Another Year

 

WOW!! I cannot believe another year is here. 2020 just went buy as if it was being blown by the wind. A lot has happened this year with Corona and so much more. On that note, I hope you are keeping safe. 

Mama G's journey continues early next year. I remember the last post like my life depended on it. Actually, I don't have a very good reason as to why I stopped writing, but deep down in my heart I actually know the reason why I stopped writing. And if you guessed it, Love was the reason.

You know, when I was a young girl, I never thought much about life and the future. I grew up in an upcountry. Growing up in the upcountry, Life was really sweet, every day was an adventure, going to the river to fetch water and to fish, going to the forest to gather some firewood, exploring the vast wildness and the forest. every day was simply an adventure. At night we would sit and gather by the fireplace and either my grandfather or my grandmother would tell us stories. we always looked forward to the stories. they were really captivating. I have to say that they were gifted in storytelling. Furthermore, in my tribe, the grandparents and the children, belong to the same age group. I think that is the reason why they understand children so well. quite a contradictory if you ask me.

Living upcountry, there was no electricity. believe me, we just heard stories about electricity. However, a shopping center was soon established nearby in the village and it had electricity. We would go there at night just to see the wonder that is electricity. However, I loved my life. Playing in the fields and stealing fruits from other people's lands, climbing trees, and many more. Moving to the city filled me with a lot of sadness. I was no longer able to watch the sky at night because of all the lights, there were no chilling forests to go for an adventure, no natural rivers to fish and swim, nothing. however, there was electricity. which made me fall in love with watching television. And since then, movies became my new passion. They still are, the only way I would cope with life was either watching a movie or writing. that was my medicine.

However, I met Tee and he showed me how to think about the future, how to think about tomorrow. He was so different from me, that I was amazed at how he viewed the world. however, our differences were the main reasons for our arguments. Personally, I don't know why people look for love and dream of being in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't fall in love, but don't look for it, it will find you when you least expect it, and be ready for your world to change. A complete change. Because from my experience, love rocked my world, it changed everything I knew and opened me up to this new world. A world that I had no idea existed. I think one of the main things that falling in love took away from me was writing. Writing has and will always be my passion. but having fallen in love, it became quite challenging to write anything. This is ironic if you ask me because I thought love is supposed to inspire. 

Tune in next year as my journey to motherhood continues.

Happy holidays and may you have a happy new year. 

New Year, New Beginnings... So they say

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

As i have said before, i don't believe in new year. To me it's an illusion. It's a timeline that people give themselves to feel connected, to celebrate life. However, i have nothing against it. I love it when people come together. Because, that is when you feel most alive. I was supposed to spend my first new year ever with Tee, because we now live together officially and my parents know about that. But he chose to do that with his friends. I was so infuriated, but he came home early on the 1st and said that instead of me being mad at him, i should be happy that he is spending the first day of the year with me. That did not make any sense to me, but i was done wasting my energy being mad, so i just let it go.
Mama G chronicles will continue this year, i will share all about my pregnancy journey. Finding out i was pregnant for the third time was a joy. But, i was scared to death. I had no idea if the pregnancy would be smooth, considering my past abortions. I also had the fear of what my parents would think if they found out and not forgetting there is the community, who always shames an unmarried girl who gets pregnant. I was scared to death but determined to carry the pregnancy to term and have the baby. There was also Tee who suggested that i abort the pregnancy after telling him that i was determined to keep it. He soon changed his mind, But, broke my heart along the way. Being a single mum has never been a thought in my mind, But, i hate having to beg for love. My pregnancy was filled with heartache and a lot of heartache. But, as life has it, everything always works out in the end.

I WISH YOU ALL A YEAR FILLED WITH LOVE.

NEW LIFE

MY FINAL SEMESTER WAS EASY, NOT SO MUCH WORK TO DO. THE ONLY ISSUE I HAD WAS THAT I WAS BATTLING WITH MY DEPRESSION. IT GOT WORSE WHEN MY FRIEND GAVE BIRTH AND TO A BABY BOY. ALL THE EMOTIONS IT STIRRED ON ME. TEE WOULDN'T HELP BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO. I MEAN I EVEN FAILED TO HELP MYSELF, WEED WAS MY ONLY FRIEND. IT UNDERSTOOD ME AND MADE ME SEE LIFE.
AS USUAL I DID NOT ATTEND ALL MY LECTURES BUT THAT DID NOT STOP ME FROM STUDYING, STUDYING WAS NOT AN ISSUE. AROUND NOVEMBER JUST BEFORE I SAT FOR MY FINAL EXAMS, I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNANT. I WAS VERY EXCITED. AND THEN I GOT MIXED EMOTIONS BECAUSE I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A NEW CHALLENGE. BUT I SWORE TO MYSELF THAT THIS TIME, I WILL HAVE THE BABY. MY OTHER DECISIONS WERE BASED ON THE FACT THAT I WAS STILL AT SCHOOL BUT THIS TIME I WASN'T, SO I I DID NOT HAVE AN EXCUSE AS TO NOT HAVE THE BABY.
I TOLD TEE AND I CANT REMEMBER HIS REACTION, IT IS ALWAYS HARD FOR ME TO TELL HIS EMOTIONS OR WHAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT, HE IS A HARD MAN TO READ. HE ASKED WHAT WAS MY DECISION AND I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE THE BABY AND HE WAS LIKE "NOO, WE ARE NOT EVEN FINANCIALLY STABLE, WHAT IF WE FAIL TO TAKE CARE OF HIM, YES HE SAID A HIM" I TOLD HIM THAT THEN LET "HIM" BE OUR MOTIVATION TO WORK HARDER COZ EITHER WAY, THIS TIME I WILL HAVE THE BABY, SO HE TOOK ON THE CHALLENGE AND ACCEPTED. HIS BUSINESS WAS NOT DOING SO WELL LATELY AND MOST OF THE TIME WE WERE BROKE. BUT I WAS DETERMINED COME RAIN COME SUNSHINE, THEN WE WILL EXPERIENCE IT TOGETHER UNLESS LIFE HAS OTHER PLANS FOR ME.

CHANGE

MY FINAL YEAR WAS ALSO OUR THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH TEE. PEOPLE OFTEN ASKED US WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?" AND WE WOULD LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BE LIKE WE DONT REALLY HAVE AN ANNIVERSARY. THE FIRST TIME I SAW TEE IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE SAW ME, AND WE NEVER REALLY GOT FORMAL ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, HE NEVER ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND AND I NEVER ASKED HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND, I DONT THINK WE EVEN EVER DATED. WE JUST LET LIFE CARRY AS ALONG, WE WERE BASICALLY GOOD FRIENDS WHO ENJOYED EACH OTHERS COMPANY AND PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED WE WERE A COUPLE, AND I GUESS WE WERE SINCE WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER AND LIVED TOGETHER. SO TO GIVE PEOPLE THE ANSWER THEY NEEDED ABOUT WHEN WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY, WE DECIDED TO COME UP WITH A DATE, MOSTLY WE WOULD USE THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX BUT IT SEEMED SO ODD, SO WE JUST GAVE IT JANUARY 1ST.
MY FOURTH YEAR UNITS SEEMED PRETTY SIMPLE AND I WAS SO EXCITED, BUT THERE WAS THIS LECTURER I REALLY DID HATE AND IT TURNED OUT HE WAS GOING TO TEACH US ONE OF THE UNITS. I WAS SO FURIOUS I NEVER ATTENDED HIS UNIT THE WHOLE SEMESTER. I DID QUITE WELL ON MY FOURTH YEAR FIRST SEM BUT I DID FAIL ONE UNIT, THAT LECTURERS UNIT. LATER I CAME TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS REALLY SIMPLE AND IF I HAD PUT MY HATRED ASIDE I WOULD HAVE PASSED THE UNIT. SCHOOL WAS EASY FOR ME BUT EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICAL, MY DEMONS CAUGHT UP WITH ME THAT SEMESTER.
I WAS ALWAYS DEPRESSED I GAVE TEE A HARD TIME, I COULDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I KEPT ASKING GOD WHAT IS LIFE? WHY I'M I EVEN LIVING? AM A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING. WEED PLAYED A BIG PART IN KEEPING ME SANE THAT SEMESTER WHICH MEANS I SMOKED A LOT OF IT, I DEPENDED ON IT. I SPENT MORE TIME WITH NATURE TO TRY AND SEE IF MY MIND WOULD BE AT PEACE, BUT I FELT PEACEFULL ONLY WHEN I WAS HIGH WHEN I WAS NOT I COULD FEEL MYSELF GOING CRAZY.
THE DEPRESSION HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY CHILD. A FRIEND OF MINE GOT PREGNANT AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED, WE SPENT MOST OF THE TIME TOGETHER AND SHE WOULD SHARE ALL HER HOPES AND DREAMS WITH ME ABOUT HER CHILD. WE WENT BABY SHOPPING AND EVERY MOMENT GOT ME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. NORMALLY AM NOT ONE TO REGRET BUT THIS TIME I DID. I KEPT THINKING WHAT IF? WHAT IF? MY BABY WOULD BE HERE WITH ME RIGHT NOW, I WOULD BE HOLDING HIM IN MY ARMS. BUT THE DEED WAS DONE AND I HAD TO DEAL WITH MY DEMONS.
I DECIDED TO GO HOME AND SEE IF A CHANGE IN ENVIRONMENT WOULD HELP GET RID OF MY DEMONS BUT IT DID NOT, I EVEN FELT MORE DEPRESSED. MY DAD KEPT ASKING ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND I HAD TO COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE EVERY TIME. MY MUM TOLD ME "CHERRY YOU LOOK SO UNHAPPY, WHAT IS WRONG?" AND I WOULD BE LIKE NOTHING MUM I'M FINE. THE QUESTIONS GOT MORE INTENSE AND I DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, TO AVOID THE QUERIES.
I DID NOT WIN THE BATTLE BUT I DID A GOOD JOB IN PRETENDING TO BE SANE UNTIL THE SEMESTER WAS OVER. WHAT I DID NOT KNOW WAS THAT, THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING. LIFE HAD MORE PLANS FOR ME COME THE FOLLOWING SEMESTER.

FINAL YEAR

AFTER MY INTERNSHIP, WHICH I DID EXTREMELY WELL AND LEARNT A LOT, I WENT HOME FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS. THE HOLIDAY WAS FOR FOUR WEEKS BUT I NEEDED TWO WEEKS TO MYSELF. SO AFTER THE TWO WEEKS HOLIDAY AT HOME, I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL. MY MAIN THEME FOR THOSE TWO WEEKS BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED WAS; SMOKING A LOT OF WEED, EATING WHATEVER I WANT, SLEEPING AND WATCHING MOVIES. THAT WAS MY PLAN.
I HAD ALREADY GIVEN UP ON TEE, IT HAD BEEN THREE MONTHS AND HE STILL HAD NOT COME BACK. EVERY TIME WE TALKED HE WOULD BE LIKE, I PROMISE NEXT WEEK I WILL COME, SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN. FINALLY, I LEARNT THAT NEXT WEEK WAS NEXT MONTH AND NEXT MONTH PROBABLY NEXT YEAR.
ONE TIME WE WERE TALKING AND HE TOLD ME, I SWEAR BABE, I WILL COME TOMORROW AND I TOLD HIM, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT BUT YOUR TOMORROW NEVER COMES.
SO WE ENDED THE CONVERSATION RIGHT THERE. IT WAS AROUND 5PM, LIKE MY NORM, I WENT TO MY DEALER GOT MYSELF SOME WEED, BOUGHT SUPPER AND WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE, TO SMOKE AND COOK. THERE WAS A KNOCK AND I FROWNED BECAUSE HERE I WAS ENJOYING MY HIGH MOMENTS AND SOMEONE WANTS TO CUT THAT SHORT. SO I OPENED THE DOOR AND YES, TEE STOOD THERE JUST STARING AT ME WITH A MISCHEVIOUS SMILE.
 I MEAN IT HAD BEEN THREE MONTHS, HE EXPECTED ME TO HUG HIM AND KISS HIM AND BE OVER MYSELF WITH JOY BUT I WASNT DOING ANY OF THAT. SO WE STARED AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD 5MINUTES, THEN WE HUGGED. HE WAS LIKE
"BABE YOU DONT LOOK SO HAPPY TO SEE ME"
"OF COURSE AM NOT"
"BUT I THOUGHT YOU MISSED ME"
"WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG" WE STARED AT EACH OTHER. EVERY TIME I SAW HIM AFTER A LONG TIME IT WAS ALWAYS WEIRD, LIKE "WHAT DO WE DO NOW?"
SO I GAVE HIM SOME WEED, HE SMOKED AND WE STARTED TALKING, HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE COUNTRY AND WE LAUGHED, WE LISTENED TO MUSIC AND WE ATE.
I DIDNT REALIZE HOW MUCH EMPTY THE HOUSE WAS UNTIL WE STARTED TALKING, I MEAN I HAD MISSED HIM MORE THAN I THOUGHT. I THINK WEED SHOULD BE GIVEN ALL THE CREDIT BUT LOVE WAS ALSO IN THE AIR SO WHEN YOU COMBINE BOTH IT WAS A LOVELY EXPERIENCE.
I WAS NOW IN MY FOURTH AND FINAL YEAR IN CAMPUS, AND ONLY 1WEEK WAS REMAINING TO THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER. I STILL HAD MY RESOLUTIONS TO WORK HARD. BUT LIFE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME.