BLAME

THEY SAY WHEN YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE, THEN IT IS NO LONGER A MISTAKE BUT A CHOICE. BUT, IS IT REALLY? HERE I WAS AGAIN. THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING PREGNANT WAS GOD WAS REPEATEDLY TELLING ME, "HEY MY DEAR, AS YOU CAN SEE YOU ARE VERY FERTILE." THAT WAS A GOOD THING I DID NOT NOW HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING BARREN. I LOVE KIDS, VERY IRONICAL CO OF THE THINGS I HAD DONE.
THIS TIME I DID NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE PREGNANCY APART FROM TEE. WHEN HE GOT HOME, I TOLD HIM.
"I'M PREGNANT," I TOLD HIM AFTER WE HAD SUPPER.
"OKAY," HE TOLD ME.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'OKAY'?" I ASKED HIM
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD USE CONDOMS OR YOU GET CONTRACEPTIVES BUT YOU REFUSED."
"I KNOW THAT AND I WILL STILL NOT USE EITHER OF THE TWO"
"THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU SHOULD HAVE DENIED ME SEX THEN" HE LOOKED AT ME
"ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU ARE BLAMING THIS ON ME, NEED I REMIND YOU, YOU WERE A WILLING PARTICIPANT IN THE CREATION OF THIS BABY" I WAS NOW GETTING FURIOUS.
"I DONT DENY THAT." HE TOLD ME
"SO?" I ASKED HIM.
"IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER I WANT THE BABY OR NOT, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT"
"I CANT HAVE THE BABY, I'M NOT READY YET"
"OKAY THEN, WILL YOU GO BACK TO THE SAME GUY OR DO YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS THIS TIME," HE ASKED ME
"STOP BEING SARCASTIC AND YES I WILL JUST GO BACK TO THE SAME GUY TO GET THE PILLS"
"OKAY. I WILL GIVE YOU THE MONEY" WE SAT IN SILENCE.
THEN HE ASKED ME "HOW OLD IS THE BABY?"
"THREE WEEKS" I ANSWERED HIM
"AFTER THIS WE WILL HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL, WE JUST CAN'T GO ON KILLING OUR UNBORN CHILDREN AND YET WE WANT TO HAVE KIDS IN FUTURE"
"I KNOW, BELIEVE ME, I DONT LIKE IT EITHER"
WE PUT ON SOME MUSIC AND WE EACH GOT LOST IN OUR THOUGHTS, AS IF NATURE HAD A MESSAGE FOR US, IT STARTED RAINING AND IT WAS A LONG AND COLD NIGHT.

DAMAGED

AS I WAS WALKING HOME FROM THE DOCTORS I FELT LOST. I COULD NOT NOTICE ANYTHING ON MY WAY I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEING GROWING INSIDE ME. I WAS VERY CAREFUL BUT YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL THE BODY HAS ITS OWN RULES YOU ARE JUST A HOST.
I FIRST DECIDED TO GO SMOKE SOME WEED AND SEE IF NATURE WILL GIVE ME THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION. ALTHOUGH I ALREADY KNEW WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. I JUST DID NOT WANT TO GET INTO IT RIGHT AWAY. I NEEDED TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT FIRST.
AFTER ONE JOINT, I WENT TO A RESTAURANT HAD SOMETHING TO EAT, BOUGHT SUPPER AND WENT BACK HOME. I HATED THE DECISION THAT I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE, BUT MAYBE MY LIFE HAD ALREADY BEEN PLANNED TO TAKE THIS ROUTE.
THERE IS A SAYING THAT "IF YOU WANT TO MAKE GOD LAUGH, TELL HIM YOUR PLANS."
I COOKED SOME SUPPER AND WAITED FOR TEE TO COME HOME SO THAT I COULD GIVE HIM THE NEWS.

AGAIN

AFTER THE MEETING WITH MY PARENTS, IT WAS ONLY ONE WEEK TO OPENING SCHOOL. I WAS TO JOIN MY THIRD YEAR SECOND SEMESTER. I WAS NOW USED TO SCHOOL BUT I WAS STILL NOT DOING THAT WELL.
I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL IT WAS THE SEPT-DECEMBER  SESSION. TEE AND I WERE DOING OKAY AND I MANAGED TO LEAVE HOME WITH MY PARENTS NOT KNOWING I WAS DOING WEED.
SEMESTER KICKED OFF WELL, I WAS NOW ATTENDING AT LEAST 40% OF MY CLASSES.
WE HAD MORE AND MORE SEX WITH TEE. I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS SAFE HAVING SEX ONLY ON MY SAFE DAYS BUT NATURE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME. IT WAS ABOUT TO PROVE TOME THAT MY JOURNEY HAD JUST BEGUN.
AT MID-SEMESTER I MISSED MY PERIODS AND IAT FIRST I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE THEY WERE LATE, BUT DEEP DOWN I KNEW I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN. MY PERIODS WERE NEVER LATE THEY WERE LIKE CLOCKWORK.
I GAVE THEM THREE DAYS AND WHEN THEY DID NOT SHOW UP I TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST AND IT WAS POSITIVE.  I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT SO I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND THE DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT I WAS THREE WEEKS PREGNANT.
LIFE WAS TEACHING ME A LESSON THAT I WAS NOT READY TO LEARN.

PARENT

MY MUM DID NOT SAY ANYTHING TO TEE HE JUST SAID HELLO AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. NORMALLY MY MUM DOES NOT SAY A LOT. BUT I WILL BE LEFT ANSWERING SOME QUESTIONS.
SO AFTER WE HAD SUPPER I TOLD TEE IT WAS TIME TO GO, I WAS TO TAKE HIM TO THE STAGE AND WE WENT ON TALKING, HE ASKED HOW I WAS DOING AND I TOLD HIM I COULD NOT COMPLAIN THAT LIFE WAS ALRIGHT.
JUST AS WE REACHED THE STAGE WE MET WITH MY DAD MY INITIAL THOUGHT WAS TO PRETEND THAT I HAD NOT SEEN HIM BUT I KNEW THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE.
I TOLD TEE THAT WE SHOULD GO AND SAY HELLO, SO WE WENT HE WAS AT A BUTCHERY BUYING SOME MEAT, HE ASKED TEE A LOT OF QUESTIONS AND I KNEW HE WOULD DO THAT.
TEE HANDLED THEM PRETTY WELL BUT WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DOES HE LIED AND SAID THAT HE WAS AT AN ATTACHMENT WITH SAMSUNG. I DONT KNOW IF MY DAD KNEW THAT WAS A LIE BUT IF HE DID, HE DID NOT GIVE IT AWAY.
MY MUM DOES NOT LIKE ME HOOKING UP WITH ANYONE WHO HAS NOT BEEN IN SCHOOL, SO IF HE KNEW TEE WAS A DROP OUT HE WOULD NOT HAVE LET ME HEAR THE END OF IT.
I BID TEE GOODBYE AND WENT BACK HOME WITH MY DAD. WHEN WE GOT HOME MY MUM ASKED WHO HE WAS, WHERE WE MET AND WHAT DOES HE DO. I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM APART FROM THE FACT THAT HE WAS A DROP OUT AND OF COURSE ID DID NOT TELL HER THAT HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND I JUST SAID THAT HE WAS A FRIEND.

PARENT

MY FIRST SEMESTER THIRD YEAR PASSED WITH NO ISSUES. I WAS SLOWLY LEARNING TO DEAL WITH MY SITUATION. THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS I WAS HOOKED ON WEED. BUT, I DID NOT SEE IT AS A PROBLEM ON MY PART. MY FRIEND THOUGH SHE DID, SHE KEPT PESTERING ME ABOUT IT EVERY OPPORTUNITY SHE GOT. SHE EVEN TOLD HER MUM. HER MUM KNEW ME WELL.
I WENT TO VISIT HER AT HOME AND SHE JUST ASKED ME, "CHERRY, WHY DID YOU MOVE OUT OF THE HOSTEL AND WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED?" I WAS SO EMBARRASSED I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, I JUST TOLD HER THAT I WOULD STOP, IT WAS JUST SOMETHING TO DO  FOR FUN.
MY PARENTS DID NOT KNOW I MOVED OUT, OF THE HOSTEL, THEY STILL THOUGHT I LIVED THERE, I WAS ALWAYS ON MY TOES COZ ANYTIME THEY THOUGHT OF VISITING ME THEY WOULD GO STRAIGHT TO THE HOSTEL AND FIND OUT THAT I NO LONGER LIVED THERE.
LUCKY ME THEY NEVER CAME TO VISIT AND I MADE SURE I DONT GIVE THEM A REASON TO COME, SO I WENT HOME REGULARLY.
I WENT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY BREAK AND OPENED UP TO A FRIEND OF MINE, ABOUT MY SITUATION WITH WEED. I DID NOT MENTION THE ABORTION. SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE ALSO SMOKED AND SHE COULD HOOK ME UP WITH HER DEALER.
I WAS ELATED, NOT ONLY DID I SMOKE WEED AT SCHOOL BUT NOW EVEN AT HOME. MY PARENTS DID NOT NOTICE, BUT MY SISTER DID. MY SISTER, SHE HAD THE REPUTATION OF BEING BAD, EVERYTHING BAD THAT WAS DONE AT HOME IT WAS ALWAYS HER FAULT. I WAS THE GOOD GIRL.
I BECAME CARELESS AND LEFT A JOINT THAT I HAD NOT FINISHED SMOKING INSIDE THE MATCHBOX, SO MY MUM FOUND IT AND BLAMED MY SISTER FOR IT. SHE ASKED HER WHY SHE HAD STARTED SMOKING WEED. MY SISTER DID NOT SAY ANYTHING SHE CALLED HER FRIEND AND TOLD HER TO TALK TO MY SISTER AND SHE ALSO SAID SHE WOULD TAKE HER TO THE PRIEST SO THAT SHE CAN BE PRAYED FOR.
MY SISTER ACCEPTED THE BLAME SHE DID NOT SAY THAT IT WAS NOT HERS. SO I OWED HER ONE NOW. THAT WAS HOW THE FAMILY WORKED. MY MUM WAS A STAUNCH CATHOLIC. SO YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SHOCK.
TEE CAME HOME TO VISIT ME AND MY SISTER LOVED HIM, NORMALLY SHE DOES NOT LIKE ANYONE BUT SHE SEEMED TO HIT IT OFF WITH TEE, SHE EVEN BEGAN CALLING HIM HER BIG BROTHER.
I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH THAT, AT LEAST SHE HAD SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO OTHER THAN ME SINCE WE FOUGHT A LOT.
EVENING CAME AND TEE HAD NOT YET LEFT, SO MY MUM FOUND HIM AT HOME AND OH BOY, I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. MAY YOUR YEAR BE FILLED WITH LOVE AND PEACE.