EMOTIONS

I FELT BAD FOR LEAVING HIM BEHIND, WHAT HAD HE EVEN DONE. I WAS BEING STUPID, THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS THAT I COULD NOT CONTROL MY FEELINGS BECAUSE OF HIM. IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT THAT GIRLS LIKED HIM, I ONLY HAD TO FIND A WAY TO DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS AROUND SUCH SITUATIONS.
I WANTED TO GO BACK AND APOLOGIZE. HE HAD DONE A LOT FOR ME. THE HOUSE WE STAYED IN HE MOVED IN THERE BECAUSE OF ME, SO THAT WE WOULD HAVE A PLACE TO HANG OUT IN THAT WAS PRIVATE.
TEE HAD DROPPED OUT OF CAMPUS IN OUR FIRST YEAR. HE DID ODD JOBS TO TRY AND SURVIVE, HE DID NOT HAVE ANY SUPPORT FROM HIS PARENTS. HE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
THE PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS HE HAD BORROWED A CAMERA FROM HIS FRIEND AND HE JUST STARTED TAKING PICTURES, HE SAID THAT AT LEAST HE WOULD MAKE MONEY DOING SOMETHING THAT HE LOVED.
HE WAS ALWAYS OPEN WITH ME, I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW THE REAL HIM. MY EGO WOULD NOT LET ME GO BACK, SO I KEPT ON GOING HOME AND BOUGHT SOME WEED ON MY WAY.
AFTER GETTING HOME I DECIDED THE BEST WAY TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT I HAD DONE TO HIM WAS TO COOK. SO I BOUGHT SOME BEEF AND KALES AND SPINACH. AND COOKED FINGER LICKING FOOD AND SOME TEA TO WASH IT DOWN.
I HOPED AND PRAYED HE WOULD COME HOME, COZ USUALLY AFTER A FIGHT HE GOES OFF TO COOL DOWN AND THEN COME HOME ALL SORTED OUT. JUST AFTER I HAD FINISHED PREPARING THE MEAL, HE OPENED THE DOOR.
"HEY BABE?" HIS VOICE WAS JOVIAL
"HI"I WAS POOR AT APOLOGIZING. BUT IN LOVE, I HAD TO KEEP THE EGO ASIDE
"I SMELL SOMETHING DELICIOUS"
"MADE ESPECIALLY FOR YOU"
"WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ANGRY CHI" HE USED TO CALL ME CHI COZ OF THE ENERGY.
"SHE IS SOMEWHERE IN THERE, LET'S NOT WAKE HER UP NOW"HE KISSED ME
WE ATE ENJOYING THE MOMENT. WHEN WE WERE DONE EATING HE TOLD ME "BABE WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU SAW AT THE EVENT, I PROMISE YOU, YOU MISUNDERSTOOD, I WAS ONLY WORKING. AND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, YOU ALREADY STOLE MY HEART, ANYTIME YOU SEE ME ENTERTAINING PEOPLE, I'M DOING IT FOR OUR BUSINESS SO WE CAN HAVE THE LIFE WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT, OKAY?"
I LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID OKAY. I MEAN THIS GUY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

OVER AGAIN

I AM THE JEALOUS TYPE. I DONT LIKE SHARING. WHAT IS MINE IS MINE. TEE AND I BEGAN PHOTOGRAPHY, TO HELP US BOND MORE AND IT WAS A BREAK FROM LIFE. IN ORDER TO PROMOTE THE BUSINESS WE PLANNED AN EVENT. WE INVITED FRIENDS AND PEOPLE.
UNIVERSITY STUDENTS LIKE FUN, IT WAS EASY TO GET PEOPLE TO COME TO THE EVENT. I WAS VERY VULNERABLE AND I NEEDED HIM SO MUCH I HATED IT, THE EVENT WAS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO BE AWAY FROM HIM.
HE IS A REALLY GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER, HIS PICTURES JUST WITH NATURAL LIGHT ARE THE BEST. AND AM A PERFECTIONIST SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW GOOD THE PICS REALLY ARE.
PEOPLE TURNED UP AS EXPECTED, MY FRIENDS CAME, FRIENDS OF FRIENDS. THE PLACE WAS PACKED. GOOD MUSIC TOO. TTHE EVENT WAS SUCCESSFUL AND OF COURSE, WE MADE SOME MONEY.
THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL, SHE JUST KEPT HANGING AROUND TEE, I COULD TELL SHE WAS INTERESTED IN HIM. MY DEMONS WOKE UP. SO I TOLD MY FRIEND.
"DO YOU SEE HOW THAT GIRL IS FORCING HERSELF ON TEE, I'M SO MAD AT HIM, WHY IS HE EVEN ENTERTAINING HER" I JUST KEPT STARING AT THEM.
TEE WAS VERY SOCIAL, HE GOT ALONG WITH EVERYONE, I USED TO TEASE HIM ABOUT IT. GIRLS LOVED HIM. HE WAS FUNNY, AND HIS CHEST WHEN HE HUGGED YOU, YOU COULD JUST STAY THERE FOREVER.
ALL MY FRIENDS LIKED HIM, THEY ALWAYS ASKED FOR HIM, EVERY TIME THEY SAW HIM THEIR FACES WOULD LIT UP. BECAUSE THEY KNEW THEIR DAY WAS ABOUT TO LIGHT UP.
I WOULD FEEL BAD IN MY HEART OF COURSE BUT I WOULD PUT ON A JOVIAL FACE, I WOULD ALWAYS TEASE HIM ABOUT IT, AND HE WOULD TELL ME THAT HE ONLY HAS EYES FOR ME. I WOULD BELIEVE HIM AND LOVE HIM AGAIN.
I DONT LIKE GETTING ANGRY COZ I WILL DO SOMETHING I WILL REGRET LATER SO I DONT FIGHT AND I DONT LIKE CONFRONTATIONS. THE LAST TIME I FOUGHT WITH SOMEONE I WAS NEAR TO KILLING HIM. SO I JUST TRY AND CONTROL MY ANGER.
I DID NOT ASK TEE ABOUT THE GIRL BUT I DID NOT TALK TO HIM. WHEN EVERY ONE HAD GONE HOME AND WE WERE PACKING UP TO LEAVE, IT WAS JUST THE TWO OF US.
"CHERRY WHAT'S WRONG?" HE ASKED
"YOU ARE ASKING ME WHAT'S WRONG AND YOU HAVE BEEN FLIRTING THE WHOLE DAY"
HE LAUGHED "YOU ARE JEALOUS?"
HE WAS NOT GOING TO LAUGH HIS WAY OUT OF THIS ONE."I'M VERY SERIOUS, WHAT WERE YOU AND THAT GIRL TALKING ABOUT" I ASKED
"WHICH GIRL?"
"THE ONE WHO KEPT HOVERING AROUND YOU LIKE BEES"
"I DONT KNOW WHAT GIRL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BABE, I WAS BUSY WORKING, YOU KNOW I'M DOING THIS FOR US"
WHAT A SMART ANSWER, BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GO THAT EASY.
I JUST WALKED AWAY AND LEFT HIM THERE TOLD HIM TO FIND ME HOME.

SECOND CHANCE

I HAD DECIDED NOT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN. JUST LIKE THE DAY NEEDS THE SUN, SO DID MY BODY NEED A DOSE OF ITS OWN MEDICINE. IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR ME TO GO BACK TO THE ACT. THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT SEX YOU CANT STAY AWAY FROM IT, ONCE YOU TASTE IT, YOU NEVER GO BACK.

WHEN I FIRST TOLD TEE THAT WE WOULD NOT HAVE ANY MORE SEX AFTER THE ABORTION, HE LAUGHED AND SAID, "YOU WILL COME BEGGING ME FOR SOME"

I LAUGHED TOO AND SAID, "OH WE WILL SEE WHO WILL COME BEGGING THE OTHER". WE ACTUALLY STAYED FOR TWO MONTHS WITH NO SEX, LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE AND SLEEPING ON THE SAME BED, YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE THE AGONY. AND THE BODIES BEING HOT FOR EACH OTHER THEY HAD TO BE COOLED DOWN.

ONE NIGHT WE WERE AT HOME, WITH SOME WEED, MOVIES AND OF COURSE FOOD. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WHY HE DRUNK SO MUCH AND HE OPENED UP TO ME THAT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THE ABORTION MESSED WITH AND HE WAS SORRY FOR THE WAY HE HAD BEEN BEHAVING LATELY.

AS LOVE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO STAY ANGRY, I FORGAVE HIM. HE WAS NOT ONE REALLY OPEN WITH HOW HE FELT. AND HE WAS NOT A DRUNK. SO I FELL FOR HIM ALL OVER AGAIN.  AND WE WERE BACK IN GOOD TERMS AGAIN, LAUGHING AND JOKING AND ENJOYING LIFE AND WEED OF COURSE. TEE WAS A GOOD GUY, I MEAN HE WAS THE BEST, NOT PERFECT OF COURSE HE HAD HIS OWN FAULTS, BUT IN MY HEART AND SOUL HE WAS THE LIFE.

I WAS NOW IN MY FIRST SEMESTER, THE THIRD YEAR, SCHOOL NO LONGER MEANT ANYTHING TO ME. I JUST WENT SO THAT I CAN FINISH UP MY STUDIES GET THAT CERTIFICATE AND CLOSE THAT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. I WAS FEELING AS IF I HAVE BEEN SPENDING MY WHOLE LIFE IN SCHOOL.

A COUPLE OF  MY FRIENDS WHOM WE JOINED THE SCHOOL TOGETHER HAD ALREADY DROPPED OUT, I DID NOT WANT TO DROP OUT BUT I WAS WISHING I DID SOMETHING ELSE. GETTING TO UNIVERSITY MADE ME SEE THAT PEOPLE EXAGGERATED THE SITUATION. 

SO THAT NIGHT AFTER TALKING AND GETTING HIGH, WE JUST GOT STRAIGHT INTO THE ACT AND OOH IT FELT SO GOOD, FELT LIKE I WAS IN THE CLOUDS LOOKING DOWN AT THE EARTH. IN A HAPPY PLACE. IT WAS LIKE THE MEDICINE THAT I NEEDED. WE WERE NOW IN EACH OTHER'S GOOD GRACES. THE SEX WAS ALSO UNPROTECTED AGAIN. BUT I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT AGAIN THAT NIGHT. THAT NIGHT I JUST WANTED TO ENJOY THE NIGHT LIKE I WAS NEVER GOING TO LIVE AGAIN.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS WITH LOVE.

LIFE GOES ON

SO, LIFE WENT ON, BUT NOT IN MY WORLD. MY WORLD WAS ALREADY CRUSHED BUT HEY I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT NO ONE FORCED ME TO DO WHAT I DID, I CHOSE IT MYSELF. THAT YEAR IN CAMPUS I FAILED ONE OF MY UNITS AND I THOUGHT, OH MY, THIS LECTURER MUST REALLY HATE ME, BUT IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT, I DUG MY OWN GRAVE.
SINCE WEED WAS NOW MY BEST FRIEND AND I SMOKED UP TO 5 BLUNTS A DAY, MY FRIENDS NOTICED, AND THEY WERE LIKE.
"HEY CHERRY, YOU GOTTA STOP SMOKING WEED"
 I TOLD THEM "YEAH SURE, WHAT DO YOU GUYS EVEN KNOW ABOUT MY LIFE."
"THEN TELL US WHAT IS WRONG, YOU WERE NEVER LIKE THIS"
"NO ONE IS THE SAME, EVEN THE DAYS ARE DIFFERENT AND THE SUN ALSO HIDES ITSELF BEHIND THE CLOUDS SOMETIMES"
THEY LAUGHED AND I KNEW, THANK GOD, YOU GUYS won't PRESSURE ME ABOUT THIS ISSUE AGAIN. WE MOVED ON TO OTHER TOPICS. I KNEW THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO STOP SMOKING WEED ANYTIME SOON, UNTIL I'M COMPLETELY HEALED, THOUGH I DIDNT KNOW WHEN THAT WOULD BE.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TEE WAS ON ANOTHER LEVEL, IT WAS OUR SECOND YEAR AND WE WERE ALREADY GETTING USED TO EACH OTHER AND WE LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE, SO THAT WAS INEVITABLE.
THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS HE STARTED DRINKING AND HE CAME HOME SO DRUNK AND LATER THAN USUAL. WHEN WE FIRST MET I LOVED IT WHEN HE WAS DRUNK COZ HE WOULD TALK NON STOP AND REVEAL THINGS THAT HE WOULD NOT SAY IN HIS NORMAL STATE. HE WAS ALSO VERY FUNNY WHEN HE WAS DRUNK, THAT WAS AN ADVANTAGE, WE WOULD LAUGH TILL OUR CHESTS ACHED.
I DID NOT THINK HOW THE ABORTION HAD AFFECTED HIM, HE WAS NOT ONE OPEN WITH HIS FEELINGS, ANOTHER THING I LOVED ABOUT HIM. ALCOHOL WAS HIS ONLY WAY OUT TO DEAL WITH THE ACHE, AT LEAST THAT WAS WHAT I THOUGHT.
WHEN THE DRINKING BECAME MORE USUAL AND THE HOURS AND SOMETIMES HE WOULD NOT EVEN COME HOME. I FELT AGITATED. I LOATHED HIM. I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP AND ASKED GOD WHY DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE.
BUT WHAT DID I KNOW?

THE FIRST TIME I KNEW I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM WAS ON CHRISTMAS EVE. THAT NIGHT WE TALKED FOR SIX HOURS NON STOP ON PHONE SINCE WE WERE BOTH WITH OUR FAMILIES.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEOPLE, SHARE LOVE THIS FESTIVE SEASON, SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY. 

DOWNHILL

on our second year into dating, i was beginning my second year second semester. luckily for me, the body was only weak, i did not have any complications. i was devastated, the fact that i had killed my child made me go crazy. to limit my craziness i smoked a lot of weed. now weed was my best friend, when i smoked it, everything made sense.

tee and i had not yet fought but after that abortion, we fought and argued all the time and the fact that we lived in the same house did not help. i blamed him for the abortion, coz i kept thinking that if i had not met him, i would still be a virgin, i would not have had sex and hence i would not have killed my baby.

he never complained he just let me rant all i want, i kept telling him that he has a heart of stone. how could he not feel the weight of what we had done. all he said was the deed was done and life has to go on. 

luckily for me i think he understood that i was going through a tough time.  my grades at the university were not doing any better. especially, with the abortion messing with my mind.

i couldn't even leave the house, the only time i left the house was to guy buy and smoke weed, i tried attending a couple of classes but things were never the same again. my social life was now non existence. my friends new something was up but they couldn't tell what, they just kept saying that since i moved in with tee i was different, i was not the same anymore. i could not tell them what i was going through or what i had done, i couldnt bear the judgement, the criticism.

my only luck was that tee was supportive, he kept me sane, tried to make me laugh and somehow when i laughed life made sense again, i told myself that i was meant to go through that journey. it was part of my story in life.