TERRIBLE

WHO AM I? A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON. THAT WAS ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT IN MY MIND. I CRIED FOR LOTS OF REASONS BUT THE ONLY REASON WAS I FELT TERRIBLE AND CRYING MADE ME FEEL BETTER. THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT RELEASING YOUR ANGER THROUGH CRYING. YOU JUST FEEL UNLOADED. IT'S LIKE A SHOWER FOR THE SOUL.
THERE ARE MANY REASONS WHY I MOVED IN WITH TEE BUT THE MAIN ONE WAS I LOVED WHERE HE LIVED. THE PLACE WAS SURROUNDED BY TREES AND HILLS AND BEAUTIFUL ROCK FORMATIONS, BASICALLY IT WAS NATURE. I LOVE NATURE KEEPS ME SANE AND AT PEACE PLUS WHEN I SMOKED WEED ON TOP OF THE HILL JUST WATCHING THE SUNSET NO ONE BOTHERED ME, I COULD BE MYSELF AND GET AWAY FROM THE NOISE OF THE TOWN.
WHEN I FELT BETTER ABOUT CRYING AND MY TEARS FINALLY STOPPED ROLLING. I WENT TO MY WEED DEALER AND BOUGHT MYSELF SOME WEED. I WENT TO THE TOP OF THE HILL, SMOKED AND JUST WATCHED THE WORLD. IT WAS SO QUIET AND PEACEFULL LIKE MY TROUBLES DID NOT MEAN ANYTHING. LIFE JUST MOVED ON. THE BIRDS CHIRPED AND KEPT ON FLYING, THE WIND SWAYED THE TREES. I REALLY NEEDED THE PEACE AND I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND.
I STAYED THERE TILL SUNSET, I IGNORED ALL OF TEES' CALLS AND PUT THE PHONE ON SILENT MODE.
I FELT TERRIBLE THAT THE ABORTION PILLS FAILED AND THAT I WAS ABOUT TO GET RID OF MY BABY THE SECOND TIME. I JUST THOUGHT "YOU KNOW MY CHILD, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, DONT HATE ME FOR DOING THIS TO YOU AGAIN. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO HAVE YOU BUT WHAT IF THE PILLS MESSED WITH YOUR GROWTH AND WHEN I GIVE BIRTH TO YOU, YOU ARE FACED WITH A LOT OF HEALTH PROBLEMS. THIS IS WHY I CANT HAVE YOU. PLEASE DONT HATE ME"
EVERY TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT THE BABY I CRIED A LITTLE MORE AND SMOKED A LITTLE MORE. I KNEW TEE WOULD BE MAD COZ I LEFT WITHOUT TELLING HIM AND DID NOT PICK HIS CALLS BUT HIS ANGER WOULD SUBSIDE ONCE I TELL HIM ABOUT THE PREGNANCY.
FINALLY, IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO BACK HOME. I WAITED TILL DARKNESS MADE ITS WAY TO THE NIGHT.

TIME

THE EVENING WAS LOVELY, THERE WAS A LOT OF LAUGHTER, TEE IS SUCH A JOKER. BUT, I LOVE IT, TRUST HIM TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS UP WHEN YOU ARE DOWN. HE PREPARED SUPPER, WE ATE, WE SMOKED, WE DANCED AND WE LAUGHED A LOT. IT WAS A LOVELY EVENING.
I DECIDED THAT IT WAS NOW TIME TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, I CANT KEEP DELAYING MATTERS AND WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT BE SERIOUS THAN I THINK. I DECIDED TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL ON A TUESDAY, I DID NOT HAVE A CLASS THAT DAY AND IT JUST FELT LIKE A TUESDAY.
TEE SAID HE WOULD ACCOMPANY ME AND THIS TIME I WAS ALL ON BOARD. TUESDAY CAME AND HERE WE WERE, I WAS TO GO IN THE AFTERNOON AT AROUND 2PM AFTER I HAD LUNCH SO THAT IF THE NEWS WAS BAD I WOULD HAVE SOME ENERGY TO STRESS ABOUT IT.
BUT THEN THAT DAY I HAD ONE OF MY MOODS AND NOTHING TEE DID THAT WAS OKAY, I JUST KEPT GETTING MAD AT HIM I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO HEAR HIS VOICE, HE GOT TIRED OF MY MOOD SWINGS AND TOLD ME THAT HE WILL BE AT THE NEIGHBOURS, WHEN I WAS READY TO LIVE I SHOULD GO GET HIM. I TOLD HIM OKAY.
WHEN I WAS DONE SHOWERING AND DRESSED UP, MY MOODS GOT THE BETTER OF ME AND DECIDED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT HIM, I JUST LEFT AND DIDNT EVEN SAY A WORD.
I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL AND BOY WAS I NERVOUS ALL OF A SUDDEN. LUCKY ME THERE WAS NO QUEUE SO I JUST WENT AHEAD TO THE DOCTORS'.
"HI, I HAVE COME FOR A PREGNANCY TEST"
"OKAY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD YOUR LAST PERIODS?"
"NO"
"NO PROBLEM, THE TEST WILL TELL US HOW OLD THE PREGNANCY IS, IF YOU ARE PREGNANT"
HE EXAMINED ME AND I WAS PREGNANT, 18 WEEKS PREGNANT AND I WAS LIKE WHAT??!!. MY HEAD BEGAN SPINNING RIGHT AWAY.
"YOU WILL HAVE THE BABY SOMETIME..." I CUT HIM SHORT BEFORE HE FINISHED THE SENTENCE
"DO YOU PERFORM ABORTIONS?" HE WAS SHOCKED, BUT I COULD CARE LESS WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT ME
"YES WE DO"
"HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?" I ASKED HIM AND HE GAVE ME A FIGURE. I TOLD HIM OKAY.
"SHALL WE DO THIS NOW?" HE ASKED ME
"NO, I HAD NOT CARRIED ANY MONEY WITH ME, BUT I WILL COME LATER"
"OKAY I WILL BE WAITING"
I PAID HIM CONSULTATION FEE AND LEFT.
AS I WAS WALKING HOME, MY TEARS JUST FELL, I JUST CRIED AND WALKED, I COULD NOT RESIST THE TEARS, THE EMOTIONS,  THE FEELINGS.
PEOPLE STARED AT ME AND THEY WERE THE LEAST OF MY CONCERNS, WHATEVER THEY THOUGHT WAS WRONG WITH ME, TO MAKE ME WALK WHILE CRYING. THAT WAS THEIR PROBLEM.

SUPPORT

TEE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE. HE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF IN A MAN, APART FROM A FEW SETBACKS. BUT, HEY NOBODY IS PERFECT IT IS NOT LIKE I WAS THE BEST GIRLFRIEND. BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP DID ALRIGHT.
FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS HE DID NOT ALLOW ME TO LIFT A FINGER IN CASE SUCH AN ATTACK HAPPENED AGAIN. HE ALSO INSISTED THAT WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT I REFUSED, I GUESS ITS CAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT THEY WERE GONNA TELL ME AND I HATE HOSPITALS AND THEY NEVER ALWAYS DELIVER GOOD NEWS.
THE WEEK WENT BY, AND I DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR THE PREGNANCY TEST AGAIN. SO I WENT AND BOUGHT THE KIT AND WENT BACK HOME. DEEP DOWN I KNEW WHAT THE RESULT WOULD BE BUT I JUST HOPED MY THINKING WAS WRONG. TEE WAS WITH ME OF COURSE, HE WOULD NOT LET ME BE ALONE.
I TOOK THE TEST AND WAITED, MOST EXCRUCIATING THIRTY MINUTES OF MY LIFE. I CHECKED THE RESULT AND THIS TIME IT WAS A VERY STRONG POSITIVE. IT FELT LIKE A HEART ATTACK, DESPITE MY HAVING KNOWING THE TRUTH THE REALITY WAS STILL A PAIN TO SWALLOW.
"IT'S POSITIVE, AGAIN," I TOLD TEE
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" HE ASKED ME
"IT MEANS I AM PREGNANT"
"I KNOW THAT, WHAT AM ASKING IS HOW? WE HAVENT HAD SEX SINCE..."
HE COULDNT BRING HIMSELF TO SAY THE WORD
"ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING?" I ASKED HIM
"BABE PLEASE RELAX, I THINK YOU ARE IN SHOCK. STOP JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS"
"OKAY FINE, I NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW"
"I AM NOT LEAVING YOU LIKE THIS"
"PLEASE BABE, I JUST NEED A MOMENT"
"I WILL GO GET US SOME SUPPER, IS THAT A MOMENT ENOUGH?"
"YES IT IS"
"IN CASE OF ANYTHING JUST CALL ME. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?"
"SOME FRUITS"
"I'M LEAVING AND TRY TO RELAX, DONT THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT"
"OKAY, NOW PLEASE LEAVE"
HE GAVE ME A KISS AND LEFT.
I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, I COULD NOT TELL HIM UNTIL I WAS SURE AND I WAS NOT YET READY TO FACE ANOTHER REALITY.

ATTACK

THE WEEK WENT BY SO SLOWLY, MAYBE IT WAS FAST BUT TO ME IT WAS SO SLOW. I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THE PREGNANCY AND I EVEN WENT TO LECTURERS SO AS TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE ISSUE AND YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW THE AMOUNT OF WEED THAT I SMOKED. BUT ALL IN ALL, LIFE WAS MOVING ON. THE SUN ROSE AND SET WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.
I REMEMBER THE DAY WAS ON A SATURDAY, JUST A NORMAL SUNNY, BLUE SKIES KINDA DAY. TEE AND I CLEANED UP, GENERAL CLEANING, WE WENT AND BOUGHT SOME LUNCH AND WEED TOO AND COOKED OURSELVES A VERY HEALTHY NICE MEAL OF COURSE WITH SOME FRUITS TO WASH IT ALL DOWN.
TEE ALWAYS LIKED TO JOKE ABOUT HOW THE BODY IS NEVER SATISFIED, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT TYPE OF FOOD YOU GIVE IT BUT AFTER A FEW HOURS IT WILL NEED TO BE FED AGAIN.
FOOD WAS READY AND THE AROMA WAS SO INVITING. HE SERVED, WE ALWAYS ATE FROM THE SAME PLATE. JUST ONE OF THE THINGS THAT LOVERS DO. DONT ASK ME WHY IT JUST HAPPENS. WE DID NOT HAVE A SOFA JUST THE BED. SO WE SAT ON THE BED AND PUT ON A MOVIE TO WATCH WHILE WE ATE.
AT THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE I FELT THIRSTY AND WENT TO DRINK SOME WATER. I STARTED FEELING DIZZY AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WOKE UP TO TEE SCREAMING MY NAME AND SHAKING ME. THERE WAS FEAR IN HIS EYES. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM SO AFRAID.
WHEN I OPENED MY EYES HE ASKED ME IF I WAS OKAY AND TOLD HIM YES, HE SAT ME DOWN. HE ASKED ME IF I COULD WALK AND I SAID YES. HE TOLD ME TO GET UP SO THAT WE CAN GO SEAT UNDER A TREE.
HE WAS HOLDING ME ALL THE WAY TO THE TREE AS IF I WAS INCAPABlE OF EVEN WALKING. WERE IT NOT TO MY CONSTANT REFUSAL HE WOULD HAVE CARRIED ME.
WHEN WE GOT TO THE TREE, I ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED COZ THE LAST THING I REMEMBERED WAS FEELING DIZZY AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE JUST HEARD MY BODY AS IT HIT THE FLOOR AND HE LAID ME ON THE BED. I WAS PASSED OUT FOR A GOOD FIVE MINUTES.
HE THOUGHT THAT I PASSED OUT COZ THE ROOM WAS TOO HOT AND THAT WAS WHY HE TOOK ME UNDER THE TREE, FOR THE BREEZE AND SOME COLD AIR. WE SAT IN SILENCE AND HE HELD ME SO CLOSE.
ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THE FEAR IN HIS EYES, MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD DIE IN HIS HOUSE OR MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID OF LOSING ME.
WHATEVER THE FEAR IN HIS EYES WAS ABOUT, I NEVER ASKED HIM. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT LOOK.

PANIC

HELLO GUYS, SORRY I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG. BUT, THE JOURNEY CONTINUES.

AFTER THREE DAYS I DECIDED I WOULD NOT WAIT ANYMORE FOR THEM. SO, I WENT TO THE CHEMIST AND BOUGHT A PREGNANCY TEST. I WAS PANICKING ALL THE WAY, I KEPT TELLING MYSELF NO, I CANNOT BE PREGNANT BUT A SMALL VOICE, YOU KNOW THAT VOICE OF REASON INSIDE YOUR BEING, THE ONE THAT WE ALWAYS IGNORE BUT IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
THE VOICE TOLD ME THAT I WAS PREGNANT, AS USUAL, I FOUGHT WITH IT AND TOLD IT NO, I AM NOT. HOW CAN I BE, I MEAN I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE... OH RIGHT. NO, IT CANNOT BE. PLEASE GOD DONT LET IT BE THAT. AND THE VOICE TOLD ME, WHAT YOU ARE THINKING IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.
I WENT HOME, I WAS WITH TEE, HE ALSO WANTED TO KNOW, BUT HIS EXCUSE WAS I JUST WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU IN CASE OF ANYTHING. WHEN WE GOT HOME I TOOK THE TEST AND ONE HOUR PASSED WITHOUT ME LOOKING AT THE TEST, I WAS TOO NERVOUS AND WHEN TEE TOLD ME TO CHECK IT ON MY BEHALF I REFUSED.
FINALLY, I GOT THE COURAGE AND IT WAS POSITIVE BUT A VERY FAINT LINE, SO I TOLD MYSELF THAT IT MUST BE THE EFFECTS AND HORMONES FROM THE PREGNANCY THAT ARE MAKING THE RESULT POSITIVE AND SINCE IT WAS VERY FAINT.
I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE. TEE JUST WENT ALONG WITH WHAT I SAID COZ, WHAT ELSE WOULD HE DO. I JUST HOPED I WAS RIGHT. THE VOICE JUST LAUGHED AT ME. I KNOW THE TRUTH AND YOU DO TOO, YOU JUST WANT TO DENY IT.
I DECIDED TO WAIT ANOTHER WHOLE WEEK, TO TAKE THE TEST AGAIN AND SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. MY MIND TOLD ME THAT BY THEN THE RESULT WOULD BE NEGATIVE BUT MY BEING TOLD ME IT WOULD STILL BE POSITIVE.
A LIE IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN THE TRUTH.