ALIVE

MY TWO WEEKS WERE UP AND IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO HOME. TEE AND I SAID OUR GOODBYES AND IT WAS A SAD DAY. I HATED SAYING GOODBYE TO HIM, THOUGH HE OFTEN SAID THAT IT WAS NOT A FOREVER GOODBYE AND I SHOULD AVOID SAYING THAT WORD.
HE TOOK ME TO THE BUS STATION AND WHEN THE BUS WAS FULL, HE LEFT. I FELT SO EMOTIONAL I ACTUALLY SHED TEARS. BUT, I HAD TO LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE BUT THE ONLY BRIGHT SIDE WAS THE SUN SHINING UP IN THE SKIES.
II HAD A SAFE JOURNEY AND GOT HOME LATER IN THE AFTERNOON, EVERYONE WAS HAPPY TO SEE ME AND SO WAS I HAPPY TO SEE EVERYONE. THE LOVE JUST WARMED MY HEART, MADE ME FORGET ABOUT ANY PROBLEMS THAT I HAD.
PARENTS, MOSTLY MY MUM ENQUIRED ABOUT HOW SCHOOL WAS AND I TOLD HER IT WAS FINE, NOTHING MUCH TO TELL.
I DECIDED THAT THIS TIME I WOULD CLEANSE MY SOUL, GET RID OF ALL THE GUILT I FELT. THERE WAS A PRAYER HOUSE NEAR OUR HOME, USUALLY ON FRIDAYS. I THOUGHT I SHOULD GO THERE, ONE FRIDAY WHEN I'M READY TO CONFESS ALL MY SINS.

LIFE

ANOTHER DAY CAME, MY BODY WAS WEAK SINCE I HAD LOST A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF BLOOD. TEE TOOK CARE OF ME, HE WOULDN'T LET ME DO ANYTHING. THIS TIME THE ABORTION DID NOT MESS WITH ME THAT MUCH BUT I STILL FELT THE WEIGHT OF WHAT I HAD DONE.
WHAT WILL BE WILL BE, I TOLD MYSELF THAT MY LIFE HAD PLANNED AND I WAS MEANT TO FOLLOW THAT PATH. MY WEED ADDICTION MOVED A NOTCH HIGHER. I WAS NOT ABLE TO DO ANYTHING WITHOUT WEED.
I MEAN I WOULD DO THINGS WITHOUT WEED BUT THEY JUST SEEMED BETTER WITH WEED. ACCORDING TO ME I HAD CONTROL, I LOVED SMOKING, I REALLY DID. AND I KNEW A DAY WOULD COME WHEN I WOULD STOP, I JUST WAS NOT SURE WHEN THAT WOULD BE BUT I KNEW FOR NOW I NEEDED IT.
TEE WELL I DONT KNOW HOW HE WAS COPING BUT HE SEEMED FINE TO ME. ALTHOUGH EVERY TIME WE WENT THROUGH A SITUATION AND HE SEEMED FINE I KNEW HE WAS DYING INSIDE. HE WAS JUST A HARD MAN TO READ AND WHEN I ASKED HIM IF HE WAS DOING ALRIGHT HE WOULD MAKE JOKES TO ESCAPE THE CONVERSATION, SO I WOULD LET HIM, I KNEW THAT WHEN HE WAS READY HE WOULD TALK.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO HOME THE WEEK I HAD THE ABORTION BUT I FIRST HAD TO COPE WITH THE SITUATION AND GET WELL PHYSICALLY BEFORE I WENT HOME, SO I GAVE MYSELF TWO WEEKS AND TOLD MY PARENTS THAT, I WOULD BE HOME AFTER TWO WEEKS.
LIFE GOES ON, THAT IS WHAT IT DOES, IT DOES NOT WAIT FOR ANYONE. I HAD TO RACE AGAINST TIME OR I WOULD LOSE MYSELF.

DONE DEAL

I WENT TO BUY THE DRUGS, WITH MY HEART HEAVY BUT STILL DETERMINED TO GO THROUGH WITH THE PROCESS. IT WAS IRONICAL FOR ME TO ASK GOD FOR A SIGN THAT I WAS NOT BARREN AND YET WHEN GIVEN THE SIGN I ABORT IT.
WHATEVER WILL COME WILL COME I AM ONLY HUMAN AND THE WORLD HAS ITS OWN RULES. ALL THE EXCUSES I WAS TRYING TO GIVE MYSELF TO FEEL BETTER I KNEW THEY WERE ALL LAME.
I MET WITH THE GUY, BOUGHT THE DRUGS AND WENT BACK HOME. NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. WHEN I GOT HOME AS WAS THE ROUTINE I HAD A SMOKE AND THEN I TOOK THE PILLS AND WENT TO SLEEP TO CURE MY NERVOUSNESS AND GUILT AND ALSO SO THAT WHEN I WOKE UP THE DEED WOULD ALREADY BE DONE.
WHEN I WOKE UP, TEE HAD ALREADY COME HOME, I JUST FOUND HIM WATCHING A MOVIE. I DID NOT EVEN HERE HIM OPEN THE DOOR.
"HEY BABE, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?" HE ASKED ME.
"I'M ALIVE," I TOLD HIM
"DID YOU EXPECT TO DIE?" HE SMIRKED
"I THOUGHT ABOUT IT" I ANSWERED HIM
"GOD HAS GIVEN YOU ANOTHER CHANCE THEN"
"I'M GRATEFUL FOR IT, I JUST HOPE I WON'T MESS UP THIS TIME"
"WE BOTH SHOULD BE CAREFUL"
"OR WE SHOULD JUST BREAK UP," I TOLD HIM
"WE ALREADY TRIED THAT BUT WE DID NOT LAST A DAY"
WE BOTH LAUGHED.
"BTW BABE HAVE A HABIT OF LOCKING THE DOOR, I HAVE KEYS WHEN I GET HOME I WILL OPEN, SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL JUST COME IN HERE WITHOUT YOU NOTICING COZ YOU SLEEP LIKE THE DEAD" HE LOOKED CONCERNED
"NO ONE WOULD DO THAT" I SMILED
"KEEP ON SMILING THE DAY YOUR LAPTOP GETS STOLEN IS THE DAY YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT" HE KNEW THAT IF HE MENTIONED MY LAPTOP MY VIEW WOULD CHANGE. I LOVED THAT LAPTOP SO MUCH IT WAS LIKE MY CHILD. HE EVEN ARGUED THAT I LOVE IT MORE THAN I LOVE HIM AND I WOULD TELL HIM IT CAME TO MY LIFE BEFORE YOU, SO THE LOVE IS JUSTIFIED.
"NICE MOVE TEE, YOU HAD TO MENTION IT," I TOLD HIM
"I KNEW THAT WOULD GET YOUR ATTENTION". WE LAUGHED AND SMOKED SOME.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED WE WERE ADDICTED TO EACH OTHER. EVERYONE IN TOWN KNEW ABOUT US WHEN EITHER TEE OR I WAS FOUND ALONE THEY WOULD ASK WHERE THE OTHER WAS. I GOT IRRITATED WITH THOSE QUESTIONS AT TIMES, I WOULD WONDER IF AM HIS KEEPER. BUT, PEOPLE WILL BE PEOPLE. THEY ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW YOUR BUSINESS. BUT THEY LOVED US, WE WERE PROOF THAT TWO PEOPLE COULD STAY TOGETHER.
BUT TEE OFTEN TOLD ME THAT THEY ARE JUST WAITING FOR US TO BREAK UP AND I WOULD TELL HIM THEN THEY WILL DIE BEFORE THEY SEE US BREAK UP, AND WE WOULD LAUGH INTO THE NIGHT.
I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO COOK, SO TEE COOKED SUPPER THAT EVENING AND FED ME, AS IF I WAS ABOUT TO BREAK, I APPRECIATED HIM. I KNEW HE DID THAT COZ HE CARED.
I WAS NOW BLEEDING SO I KNEW THE DRUGS WERE WORKING. EITHER WAY I KNEW TOMORROW WAS A NEW DAY FOR NEW BEGINNINGS IF GOD WILLS ME TO SEE ANOTHER DAY.

DEAD

MORNING CAME AND TEE WOKE ME UP WITH BREAKFAST.
"MORNING BABE?" HE SMILED AT ME
"MORNING" I SMILED BACK
"SLEEP WELL?"
"I SLEPT ALRIGHT" HE HELD MY HAND
"SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY, I WAS NOT SO NICE TO YOU AND TO MAKE UP FOR THAT I MADE YOU PANCAKES AND SOME EGGS, JUST THE WAY YOU LOVE THEM"
I SMILED"YOU SHOULD BE SORRY, BUT THAT WAS YESTERDAY AND TODAY IS A NEW DAY FOR NEW BEGINNINGS," I TOLD HIM
"COULD NOT AGREE MORE, NOW, HOW ABOUT YOU WAKE UP AND HAVE SOME BREAKFAST"
"I COULD JUST HAVE IT IN BED"
"NO WAKE UP"
SO, I WOKE UP AND HAD SOME DELICIOUS BREAKFAST. TEE ASKED ME IF HE COULD COME WITH ME TO GET THE PILLS AND I TOLD HIM NO, I WILL JUST GO ON MY OWN.
HE AGREED BUT NOT WITHOUT TELLING ME TO KEEP HIM UPDATED AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD. HE LEFT FOR WORK AND I WAS LEFT PREPARING MYSELF FOR THE DAY.
I CALLED THE GUY AND HE TOLD ME WHERE WE SHOULD MEET SO THAT HE COULD SELL THE PILLS TO ME.
AFTER DECIDING ON THE MEETING POINT AND THE PRICE. I TOOK A SHOWER AND ASKED GOD TO JUST FORGIVE ME BUT IF TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL DIE, I LIVED MY LIFE.

BLAME

THEY SAY WHEN YOU MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE, THEN IT IS NO LONGER A MISTAKE BUT A CHOICE. BUT, IS IT REALLY? HERE I WAS AGAIN. THE GOOD THING ABOUT BEING PREGNANT WAS GOD WAS REPEATEDLY TELLING ME, "HEY MY DEAR, AS YOU CAN SEE YOU ARE VERY FERTILE." THAT WAS A GOOD THING I DID NOT NOW HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING BARREN. I LOVE KIDS, VERY IRONICAL CO OF THE THINGS I HAD DONE.
THIS TIME I DID NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE PREGNANCY APART FROM TEE. WHEN HE GOT HOME, I TOLD HIM.
"I'M PREGNANT," I TOLD HIM AFTER WE HAD SUPPER.
"OKAY," HE TOLD ME.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'OKAY'?" I ASKED HIM
"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD USE CONDOMS OR YOU GET CONTRACEPTIVES BUT YOU REFUSED."
"I KNOW THAT AND I WILL STILL NOT USE EITHER OF THE TWO"
"THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU SHOULD HAVE DENIED ME SEX THEN" HE LOOKED AT ME
"ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU ARE BLAMING THIS ON ME, NEED I REMIND YOU, YOU WERE A WILLING PARTICIPANT IN THE CREATION OF THIS BABY" I WAS NOW GETTING FURIOUS.
"I DONT DENY THAT." HE TOLD ME
"SO?" I ASKED HIM.
"IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER I WANT THE BABY OR NOT, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT"
"I CANT HAVE THE BABY, I'M NOT READY YET"
"OKAY THEN, WILL YOU GO BACK TO THE SAME GUY OR DO YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS THIS TIME," HE ASKED ME
"STOP BEING SARCASTIC AND YES I WILL JUST GO BACK TO THE SAME GUY TO GET THE PILLS"
"OKAY. I WILL GIVE YOU THE MONEY" WE SAT IN SILENCE.
THEN HE ASKED ME "HOW OLD IS THE BABY?"
"THREE WEEKS" I ANSWERED HIM
"AFTER THIS WE WILL HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL, WE JUST CAN'T GO ON KILLING OUR UNBORN CHILDREN AND YET WE WANT TO HAVE KIDS IN FUTURE"
"I KNOW, BELIEVE ME, I DONT LIKE IT EITHER"
WE PUT ON SOME MUSIC AND WE EACH GOT LOST IN OUR THOUGHTS, AS IF NATURE HAD A MESSAGE FOR US, IT STARTED RAINING AND IT WAS A LONG AND COLD NIGHT.