SIGHT

AS I LEFT THE HOSPITAL, MY HEART WAS BROKEN INTO A ZILLION TINY PIECES. BUT I WAS GLAD THAT THAT PART OF MY LIFE WAS NOW OVER. AS I STEPPED OUT OF THE HOSPITAL GATE MY VIEW OF THE WORLD HAD CHANGED, I NOW SAW LIFE IN A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE, NOT THE SAME WAY I DID BEFORE. I LOOKED AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE GOING AROUND WITH THEIR DAILY ACTIVITIES, NO ONE CARED ABOUT WHAT I HAD DONE, NO ONE EVEN KNEW.
"BABE?" I LOOKED BACK AND STARED AT THAT HOSPITAL HARD, ESPECIALLY THE BALCONY. I LOOKED AT IT AND REMEMBERED HOW I WAS CLUTCHING MY STOMACH AND WRITHING ON THAT FLOOR LAST NIGHT DUE TO THE PAIN I FELT.
"BABE?" I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT. HOW DISGUSTED AND AFRAID I WAS.
"BABE?" I SNAPPED OUT OF MY REVERIE AND WOKE UP TO TEE CALLING ME
"YES?"
"I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU LIKE A MILLION TIMES"
"STOP EXAGGERATING BABE, I WAS JUST THINKING."
"ABOUT?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT ABOUT"
"I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT EITHER BUT FIRST YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME BREAKFAST"
"YES, AGREED, I AM STARVING" SO, WE WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND I HAD SOME TEA.
"BABE, I CAN'T STOP SEEING HIS TINY BODY AND THAT TINY FACE," I TOLD TEE
"I KNOW YOU ARE HEARTBROKEN IN WAYS I CANT IMAGINE, BUT YOU KNOW LIFE HAS TO GO ON"
"I KNOW, BUT THIS TIME IT WILL TAKE ME CENTURIES TO FORGET THAT"
"THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE IF WE HAD NOT TRIED THE FIRST TIME WE WOULD HAVE HAD HIM. BUT WHAT IF THE PILLS MESSED WITH HIS GROWTH AND ASSUMING YOU GAVE BIRTH TO HIM AND EVERY TIME HE HAD A HEALTH PROBLEM YOU WOULD WATCH HIM SUFFER AND IT WOULD REMIND YOU OF WHAT YOU DID, THAT ITS YOUR FAULT HE IS GOING THROUGH ALL THESE PROBLEMS?
COULD YOU HANDLE THAT?"
"NO"
"I KNOW IT HURTS, I FEEL BAD TOO. BUT WE WILL HAVE MORE BABIES, YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AT SOME POINT"
"I KNOW BABE, I JUST DONT KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE ME THIS TIME"
"THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT IT IS WORK IN PROGRESS, NOW, LET'S HAVE SOME BREAKFAST."
SO WE DRANK OUR TEA, TEE TRIED MAKING ME LAUGH WITH A FEW JOKES, I APPRECIATED THE EFFORT AND I DID LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. AND I GOT LOST IN MY HEAD AGAIN.

NEW DAY

I TRIED SLEEPING, ROLLING ON THE FLOOR, CLUTCHING MY STOMACH SEVERAL TIMES, BUT THE PAIN WOULDNT GO AWAY. IT CAME FOR FIVE MINUTES AND DISAPPEARED FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES, AND EVERY TIME IT CAME BACK STRONGER THAN BEFORE. THE DOCTOR HAD GIVEN ME PILLS TO INDUCE EARLY LABOUR, OF COURSE I DID NOT KNOW THAT BY THEN.
I TRIED CRYING BUT NO TEARS WOULD FALL, SO I FINALLY GOT ENOUGH OF IT, AND WENT TO LOOK FOR THE DOCTOR, SO THAT HE COULD GIVE ME SOME PAINKILLERS. I FOUND HIM HAVING SUPPER WITH ONE OF HIS ASSISTANTS AND I TOLD HIM I NEEDED SOME PAINKILLERS AND HE TOLD ME HE WOULD COME. SO I WENT BACK TO THE ROOM. I ROLLED A FEW TIMES ON THE FLOOR AS I WAITED FOR HIM. THE ROLLING STILL DID NOT WORK, I DECIDED TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO SLEEP.
I LIED ON THE BED AND WAITED FOR HIM TO COME. AS I WAS WAITING FOR HIM AND THE PAIN KEPT GETTING INTENSE, I SAW DEATH. SO I TOLD GOD, I KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE IS NOT RIGHT BUT DONT LET ME DIE IN THIS HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW, AT LEAST WAIT TILL IM OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. BUT, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH.
THE DOCTOR FINALLY CAME AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER, HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS FOR THE PAIN BUT AS SOON AS I SWALLOWED THEM, I VOMITED EVERYTHING I HAD. SO HE DECIDED TO GIVE ME AN INJECTION. HE DID SOME EXAMINATIONS AND ASSURED ME EVERYTHING WAS FINE, HAVING PAIN WAS PART OF THE PROCESS.
HE LEFT AND I WAS ALONE AGAIN. THIS TIME I DECIDED I AM GOING TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO SLEEP. AND I DID SLEEP. WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AT AROUND SIX AM AND SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY, I WAS SO GLAD AND GRATEFULL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE THE DAY LIKE I WAS THAT DAY. AFTER A FEW MINUTES MY BABY POPPED OUT. I SAW HIM, IT WAS A HIM, I COULD DEFINITELY TELL FROM THE FEATURES. I STARTED CRYING AND FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN STRANGLED. SADDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
THE DOCTOR CAME AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED THE BABY OR IF HE SHOULD DISPOSE IT, SO I CHOSE THE LATTER. TEE WAS ALREADY IN THE HOSPITAL, SO THE DOCTOR ASKED HIM TO COME IN AND HE TOLD ME THAT AS SOON AS AM READY I GO TO HIS OFFICE SO THAT WE COULD FINISH UP ON SOME PAPERWORK.
TEE HUGGED ME AND IT FELT SO GOOD. WE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER. AS SOON AS I WAS DRESSED, AND CHECKED IF I HAD ALL MY BELONGINGS WITH ME, WE WENT TO THE OFFICE, FINISHED UP THE PAPERWORK AND THE DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD GO BACK IF I EVER NEEDED CONTRACEPTIVES.
I EXPECTED THAT, BUT I KNEW I WAS NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN.
I FORGOT "NEVER SAY NEVER"

MOMENT

AFTER TEE LEFT, I HAD SOMETHING TO EAT AND THEN I JUST LIED ON THE BED, THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE FROM AS FAR AS I COULD REMEMBER. IT'S FUNNY HOW ALL THOSE MOMENTS LED ME TO THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT TODAY.
THE PAIN BEGAN BEING A LITTLE BIT INTENSE BUT I COULD STILL TOLE IT. I DECIDED TO TAKE A WALK AROUND THE HOSPITAL AND SEE MY SURROUNDINGS. THE HOSPITAL WAS LOCATED JUST BESIDE A ROAD. OPPOSITE THE HOSPITAL THERE WAS A CLUB. AS I STOOD AT THE BALCONY, I SAW HOW PEOPLE WERE PARTYING AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES. IT TAUGHT ME THAT LIFE IS JUST THE MOMENTS WE SPEND TOGETHER.
I WENT BACK TO THE BED TO SEE IF I COULD GET SOME SLEEP, BUT I COULDNT. SO I BOUGHT SOME DATA AND STARTED BROWSING THE NET. WHENEVER I'M DOWN MY MAIN TOPIC OF INTEREST IS ASTROLOGY. I JUST LOVE IT, PLUS EVERYTIME I LEARN SOMETHING NEW.
AS I WAS BROWSING, AROUND 9PM, MY MUM CALLED ME, SHE ALWAYS CALLED ME TO ASK SOMETHING. IT WAS RARE FOR HER TO JUST CALL AND ASK HOW I WAS DOING. I PICKED UP THE CALL.
"HEY, CHI HOW ARE YOU DOING?" I THOUGHT TO MYSELF THIS IS STRANGE
"IM FINE MUM, HOW IS EVERYONE AT HOME?"
"THEY ARE ALL FINE, ARE YOU SICK?" SHE ASKED ME, I PANICKED AND THOUGHT HOW DID YOU KNOW, BUT, MOTHERS KNOW EVERYTHING.
"NO I AM NOT SICK, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?" OF COURSE, I HAD TO LIE, WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE TOLD HER.
"THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR VOICE"
"ITS BECAUSE WHEN YOU CALLED I WAS ALREADY ASLEEP."
"OOHH OKAY, ANYWAY HOW DO YOU SEND A PICTURE USING WHATSAPP?" I SMILED TO MYSELF AND THOUGHT YEAH, THAT MUST BE THE REASON WHY YOU CALLED. SO I TOLD HER AND WHEN WE WERE DONE, WE SAID OUR GOODBYES AND SHE HUNG UP.
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, IF I DIE IN THIS HOSPITAL TONIGHT, WHAT WOULD SHE SAY??
I PUSHED THAT THOUGHT TO THE FAR CORNER OF MY MIND AND FOCUSED ON THE PAIN, IT WAS NOW BECOMING UNBEARABLE. IT FELT LIKE DEATH WAS PINCHING ME SLOWLY.
I CONSIDER MYSELF A STRONG PERSON, I COULD TOLERATE ANYTHING, BUT THIS PAIN, IT WAS BECOMING UNBEARABLE.

DAY

THE DAY WAS FINALLY HERE. I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FIRST THING I DID, WAS GET MAD FOR SLEEPING OVER, THEN I WOKE TEE UP, SO WE COULD GO HOME. MY FRIEND INSISTED THAT WE SHOULD HAVE BREAKFAST BUT I REFUSED. IN A NICE WAY OF COURSE. SO WE LEFT.
ON OUR WAY HOME I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THE PROCEDURE. I HAD HEARD SCARY STORIES ABOUT DOCTORS WHO PERFORMEABORTIONSNS AND THE MATERIALS THEY USED. I PRAYED AND HOPED THAT NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG. I KNOW ITS IRONICAL.
I WENT HOME AND SHOWERED AND HAD A GOOD SLEEP. I WOKE UP AROUND TWO IN THE AFTERNOON AD DECIDED I WOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL AROUND 5PM IN THE EVENING. SO TEE AND I TALKED AND SPENT SOME TIME TOGETHER. FINALLY, IT WAS TIME TO GO.
HE TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I NEEDED SO THAT HE COULD BUY THEM. I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS A ONE HOUR PROCEDURE, BUT HE TOLD ME I HAD TO STAY THE NIGHT. I WASNT PREPARED TO STAY BUT WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID I HAVE.
I CHANGED INTO A HOSPITAL GOWN, HE SHOWED ME MY BED AND HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS TO SWALLOW AND HE LEFT, SAID HE WOULD CHECK ON ME LATER, TO SEE IF EVERYTHING WAS GOING SMOOTHLY. I WAS GLAD THAT THERE WERE NO KNIVES BEING USED OR SHARP OBJECTS.
TIME WENT BY SO FAST. TEE WAS HOLDING MY HAND ALL THE TIME AS I LAY IN THE HOSPITAL BED. HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING AND IF IT WAS PAINFUL, I TOLD HIM I WAS FINE IT WAS NOTHING I COULD NOT HANDLE. I WAS TO FIND OUT HOW WRONG I WAS ABOUT THAT STATEMENT LATER.
WE DIDNT TALK MUCH, WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE. WHAT COULD WE SAY. BUT I COULD SEE IN HIS EYES HOW CONCERNED HE WAS, SO I KEPT ASSURING HIM THAT I WOULD BE OKAY, AND HE SAID HE KNEW THAT. SO WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE AND WE GOT LOST IN OUR OWN THOUGHTS.
AROUND 7.30PM THE DOCTOR CAME BACK, ASKED HOW I WAS FEELING AGAIN, DID SOME TESTS AND HE SAID THAT EVERYTHING SEEMS GOOD. HE TOLD TEE THAT HE COULDNT STAY HE HAD TO GO. SO HE LEFT AND I WAS LEFT ALONE. THERE WERE NO ANY OTHER PATIENTS. I WAS SCARED BUT I TOLD GOD, NOT TO LET ME DIE LIKE THAT.

DRUNK

I HATE ALCOHOL,  I FIND IT BITTER, AND I DONT LIKE BITTER THINGS AND I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW IT HELPS. ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT I WAS DETERMINED TO DRINK AND PUT ALL MY FEELINGS ABOUT ALCOHOL ASIDE. I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND SEE IF WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ALCOHOL WAS TRUE.
I MET TEE AT THE CLUB AND I TOLD HIM I NEEDED A DRINK. HE WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT ALCOHOL. SO HE ASKED ME IF I WAS SURE AND I TOLD HIM I WOULDN'T BE ASKING IF  I WAS NOT SURE. HE ORDERED ONE, SOME LOCAL SPIRIT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER ITS NAME.
HE WAS SO SURE I WOULDNT DRINK IT BECAUSE THERE ARE SEVERAL TIMES HE ALWAYS TOLD ME TO TRY AND EVERY TIME IT GOT CLOSER TO MY MOUTH I COULDNT DO IT. BUT TONIGHT WAS DIFFERENT, I THOUGHT IF I CAN GO AHEAD WITH AN ABORTION FOR THE SECOND TIME, SURELY I CAN MASTER THE COURAGE TO SWALLOW SOME BITTER DRINK.
SO I DID, I SWALLOWED IT IN ONE GULP AND ASKED FOR ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE. TEE WAS VERY SURPRISED, HE DIDNT BELIEVE THAT I WAS THE ONE DOING THAT. THE STRANGE THING WAS THE MORE I DRUNK THE MORE I FELT LIKE I NEEDED ANOTHER DRINK. TEE HAD TO STOP ME SO THAT WE COULD NOT BE LATE FOR THE PARTY.
I DID NOT FEEL DRUNK. I WAS NOT WALKING IN A STRAIGHT LINE OF COURSE, BUT I WAS VERY CONSCIOUS OF MY BEING. I MEAN I DIDNT FORGET ANYTHING. I THOUGHT ALCOHOL MADE YOU FORGET. IT JUST GAVE ME A FULL STOMACH AND A NAUSEATING FEELING. I KEPT WISHING I HAD SOME WEED. BECAUSE THE WEED I HAD, I HAD SMOKED ALL OF IT AND IT WAS LATE. I COULDNT GO TO MY WEED DEALER TO GET SOME.
SO WE GOT TO THE PARTY, THERE WERE VERY FEW OF US, IT WASNT A LARGE PARTY. AFTER SOME SINGING FOR  THE BIRTHDAY GIRL AND WISHING HER ALL THE BEST IN LIFE. WE HAD SOME CAKE WHILE TALKING. MY BODY STARTED REACTING TO THE ALCOHOL AND I BEGAN THROWING UP, I THINK I THREW UP AROUND TEN TIMES. PEOPLE EVEN STARTED WONDERING WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, BUT I TOLD THEM I WAS FINE, IT'S JUST THAT IT WAS MY FIRST TIME DRINKING.
WHEN MY BODY WAS DONE RELEASING ALL THE ALCOHOL I HAD DRUNK, I PASSED OUT AND SLEPT FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS PLUS. WHEN I WOKE UP PEOPLE WERE STILL TALKING WITH SOME MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. TEE ASKED ME TO DANCE WITH HIM. I DINT WANT TO BUT HE WAS VERY PERSISTENT, SO I AGREED AND WE DANCED. WE WERE THE ONLY ONES AT THE DANCE FLOOR, SO THE OTHERS FOLLOWED SUIT AND IT WAS A FUN NIGHT.
WE ENDED UP SLEEPING OVER AT THE BIRTHDAY GIRLS PLACE, THOUGH THAT WAS NOT THE INTENTION.