SIGHT

AS I LEFT THE HOSPITAL, MY HEART WAS BROKEN INTO A ZILLION TINY PIECES. BUT I WAS GLAD THAT THAT PART OF MY LIFE WAS NOW OVER. AS I STEPPED OUT OF THE HOSPITAL GATE MY VIEW OF THE WORLD HAD CHANGED, I NOW SAW LIFE IN A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE, NOT THE SAME WAY I DID BEFORE. I LOOKED AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE GOING AROUND WITH THEIR DAILY ACTIVITIES, NO ONE CARED ABOUT WHAT I HAD DONE, NO ONE EVEN KNEW.
"BABE?" I LOOKED BACK AND STARED AT THAT HOSPITAL HARD, ESPECIALLY THE BALCONY. I LOOKED AT IT AND REMEMBERED HOW I WAS CLUTCHING MY STOMACH AND WRITHING ON THAT FLOOR LAST NIGHT DUE TO THE PAIN I FELT.
"BABE?" I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT. HOW DISGUSTED AND AFRAID I WAS.
"BABE?" I SNAPPED OUT OF MY REVERIE AND WOKE UP TO TEE CALLING ME
"YES?"
"I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU LIKE A MILLION TIMES"
"STOP EXAGGERATING BABE, I WAS JUST THINKING."
"ABOUT?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT ABOUT"
"I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT EITHER BUT FIRST YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME BREAKFAST"
"YES, AGREED, I AM STARVING" SO, WE WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND I HAD SOME TEA.
"BABE, I CAN'T STOP SEEING HIS TINY BODY AND THAT TINY FACE," I TOLD TEE
"I KNOW YOU ARE HEARTBROKEN IN WAYS I CANT IMAGINE, BUT YOU KNOW LIFE HAS TO GO ON"
"I KNOW, BUT THIS TIME IT WILL TAKE ME CENTURIES TO FORGET THAT"
"THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE IF WE HAD NOT TRIED THE FIRST TIME WE WOULD HAVE HAD HIM. BUT WHAT IF THE PILLS MESSED WITH HIS GROWTH AND ASSUMING YOU GAVE BIRTH TO HIM AND EVERY TIME HE HAD A HEALTH PROBLEM YOU WOULD WATCH HIM SUFFER AND IT WOULD REMIND YOU OF WHAT YOU DID, THAT ITS YOUR FAULT HE IS GOING THROUGH ALL THESE PROBLEMS?
COULD YOU HANDLE THAT?"
"NO"
"I KNOW IT HURTS, I FEEL BAD TOO. BUT WE WILL HAVE MORE BABIES, YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AT SOME POINT"
"I KNOW BABE, I JUST DONT KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE ME THIS TIME"
"THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT IT IS WORK IN PROGRESS, NOW, LET'S HAVE SOME BREAKFAST."
SO WE DRANK OUR TEA, TEE TRIED MAKING ME LAUGH WITH A FEW JOKES, I APPRECIATED THE EFFORT AND I DID LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. AND I GOT LOST IN MY HEAD AGAIN.

NEW DAY

I TRIED SLEEPING, ROLLING ON THE FLOOR, CLUTCHING MY STOMACH SEVERAL TIMES, BUT THE PAIN WOULDNT GO AWAY. IT CAME FOR FIVE MINUTES AND DISAPPEARED FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES, AND EVERY TIME IT CAME BACK STRONGER THAN BEFORE. THE DOCTOR HAD GIVEN ME PILLS TO INDUCE EARLY LABOUR, OF COURSE I DID NOT KNOW THAT BY THEN.
I TRIED CRYING BUT NO TEARS WOULD FALL, SO I FINALLY GOT ENOUGH OF IT, AND WENT TO LOOK FOR THE DOCTOR, SO THAT HE COULD GIVE ME SOME PAINKILLERS. I FOUND HIM HAVING SUPPER WITH ONE OF HIS ASSISTANTS AND I TOLD HIM I NEEDED SOME PAINKILLERS AND HE TOLD ME HE WOULD COME. SO I WENT BACK TO THE ROOM. I ROLLED A FEW TIMES ON THE FLOOR AS I WAITED FOR HIM. THE ROLLING STILL DID NOT WORK, I DECIDED TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO SLEEP.
I LIED ON THE BED AND WAITED FOR HIM TO COME. AS I WAS WAITING FOR HIM AND THE PAIN KEPT GETTING INTENSE, I SAW DEATH. SO I TOLD GOD, I KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE IS NOT RIGHT BUT DONT LET ME DIE IN THIS HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW, AT LEAST WAIT TILL IM OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. BUT, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH.
THE DOCTOR FINALLY CAME AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER, HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS FOR THE PAIN BUT AS SOON AS I SWALLOWED THEM, I VOMITED EVERYTHING I HAD. SO HE DECIDED TO GIVE ME AN INJECTION. HE DID SOME EXAMINATIONS AND ASSURED ME EVERYTHING WAS FINE, HAVING PAIN WAS PART OF THE PROCESS.
HE LEFT AND I WAS ALONE AGAIN. THIS TIME I DECIDED I AM GOING TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO SLEEP. AND I DID SLEEP. WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AT AROUND SIX AM AND SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY, I WAS SO GLAD AND GRATEFULL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE THE DAY LIKE I WAS THAT DAY. AFTER A FEW MINUTES MY BABY POPPED OUT. I SAW HIM, IT WAS A HIM, I COULD DEFINITELY TELL FROM THE FEATURES. I STARTED CRYING AND FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN STRANGLED. SADDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
THE DOCTOR CAME AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED THE BABY OR IF HE SHOULD DISPOSE IT, SO I CHOSE THE LATTER. TEE WAS ALREADY IN THE HOSPITAL, SO THE DOCTOR ASKED HIM TO COME IN AND HE TOLD ME THAT AS SOON AS AM READY I GO TO HIS OFFICE SO THAT WE COULD FINISH UP ON SOME PAPERWORK.
TEE HUGGED ME AND IT FELT SO GOOD. WE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER. AS SOON AS I WAS DRESSED, AND CHECKED IF I HAD ALL MY BELONGINGS WITH ME, WE WENT TO THE OFFICE, FINISHED UP THE PAPERWORK AND THE DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD GO BACK IF I EVER NEEDED CONTRACEPTIVES.
I EXPECTED THAT, BUT I KNEW I WAS NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN.
I FORGOT "NEVER SAY NEVER"

MOMENT

AFTER TEE LEFT, I HAD SOMETHING TO EAT AND THEN I JUST LIED ON THE BED, THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE FROM AS FAR AS I COULD REMEMBER. IT'S FUNNY HOW ALL THOSE MOMENTS LED ME TO THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT TODAY.
THE PAIN BEGAN BEING A LITTLE BIT INTENSE BUT I COULD STILL TOLE IT. I DECIDED TO TAKE A WALK AROUND THE HOSPITAL AND SEE MY SURROUNDINGS. THE HOSPITAL WAS LOCATED JUST BESIDE A ROAD. OPPOSITE THE HOSPITAL THERE WAS A CLUB. AS I STOOD AT THE BALCONY, I SAW HOW PEOPLE WERE PARTYING AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES. IT TAUGHT ME THAT LIFE IS JUST THE MOMENTS WE SPEND TOGETHER.
I WENT BACK TO THE BED TO SEE IF I COULD GET SOME SLEEP, BUT I COULDNT. SO I BOUGHT SOME DATA AND STARTED BROWSING THE NET. WHENEVER I'M DOWN MY MAIN TOPIC OF INTEREST IS ASTROLOGY. I JUST LOVE IT, PLUS EVERYTIME I LEARN SOMETHING NEW.
AS I WAS BROWSING, AROUND 9PM, MY MUM CALLED ME, SHE ALWAYS CALLED ME TO ASK SOMETHING. IT WAS RARE FOR HER TO JUST CALL AND ASK HOW I WAS DOING. I PICKED UP THE CALL.
"HEY, CHI HOW ARE YOU DOING?" I THOUGHT TO MYSELF THIS IS STRANGE
"IM FINE MUM, HOW IS EVERYONE AT HOME?"
"THEY ARE ALL FINE, ARE YOU SICK?" SHE ASKED ME, I PANICKED AND THOUGHT HOW DID YOU KNOW, BUT, MOTHERS KNOW EVERYTHING.
"NO I AM NOT SICK, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?" OF COURSE, I HAD TO LIE, WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE TOLD HER.
"THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR VOICE"
"ITS BECAUSE WHEN YOU CALLED I WAS ALREADY ASLEEP."
"OOHH OKAY, ANYWAY HOW DO YOU SEND A PICTURE USING WHATSAPP?" I SMILED TO MYSELF AND THOUGHT YEAH, THAT MUST BE THE REASON WHY YOU CALLED. SO I TOLD HER AND WHEN WE WERE DONE, WE SAID OUR GOODBYES AND SHE HUNG UP.
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, IF I DIE IN THIS HOSPITAL TONIGHT, WHAT WOULD SHE SAY??
I PUSHED THAT THOUGHT TO THE FAR CORNER OF MY MIND AND FOCUSED ON THE PAIN, IT WAS NOW BECOMING UNBEARABLE. IT FELT LIKE DEATH WAS PINCHING ME SLOWLY.
I CONSIDER MYSELF A STRONG PERSON, I COULD TOLERATE ANYTHING, BUT THIS PAIN, IT WAS BECOMING UNBEARABLE.

DAY

THE DAY WAS FINALLY HERE. I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FIRST THING I DID, WAS GET MAD FOR SLEEPING OVER, THEN I WOKE TEE UP, SO WE COULD GO HOME. MY FRIEND INSISTED THAT WE SHOULD HAVE BREAKFAST BUT I REFUSED. IN A NICE WAY OF COURSE. SO WE LEFT.
ON OUR WAY HOME I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THE PROCEDURE. I HAD HEARD SCARY STORIES ABOUT DOCTORS WHO PERFORMEABORTIONSNS AND THE MATERIALS THEY USED. I PRAYED AND HOPED THAT NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG. I KNOW ITS IRONICAL.
I WENT HOME AND SHOWERED AND HAD A GOOD SLEEP. I WOKE UP AROUND TWO IN THE AFTERNOON AD DECIDED I WOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL AROUND 5PM IN THE EVENING. SO TEE AND I TALKED AND SPENT SOME TIME TOGETHER. FINALLY, IT WAS TIME TO GO.
HE TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I NEEDED SO THAT HE COULD BUY THEM. I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS A ONE HOUR PROCEDURE, BUT HE TOLD ME I HAD TO STAY THE NIGHT. I WASNT PREPARED TO STAY BUT WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID I HAVE.
I CHANGED INTO A HOSPITAL GOWN, HE SHOWED ME MY BED AND HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS TO SWALLOW AND HE LEFT, SAID HE WOULD CHECK ON ME LATER, TO SEE IF EVERYTHING WAS GOING SMOOTHLY. I WAS GLAD THAT THERE WERE NO KNIVES BEING USED OR SHARP OBJECTS.
TIME WENT BY SO FAST. TEE WAS HOLDING MY HAND ALL THE TIME AS I LAY IN THE HOSPITAL BED. HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING AND IF IT WAS PAINFUL, I TOLD HIM I WAS FINE IT WAS NOTHING I COULD NOT HANDLE. I WAS TO FIND OUT HOW WRONG I WAS ABOUT THAT STATEMENT LATER.
WE DIDNT TALK MUCH, WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE. WHAT COULD WE SAY. BUT I COULD SEE IN HIS EYES HOW CONCERNED HE WAS, SO I KEPT ASSURING HIM THAT I WOULD BE OKAY, AND HE SAID HE KNEW THAT. SO WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE AND WE GOT LOST IN OUR OWN THOUGHTS.
AROUND 7.30PM THE DOCTOR CAME BACK, ASKED HOW I WAS FEELING AGAIN, DID SOME TESTS AND HE SAID THAT EVERYTHING SEEMS GOOD. HE TOLD TEE THAT HE COULDNT STAY HE HAD TO GO. SO HE LEFT AND I WAS LEFT ALONE. THERE WERE NO ANY OTHER PATIENTS. I WAS SCARED BUT I TOLD GOD, NOT TO LET ME DIE LIKE THAT.

DRUNK

I HATE ALCOHOL,  I FIND IT BITTER, AND I DONT LIKE BITTER THINGS AND I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW IT HELPS. ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT I WAS DETERMINED TO DRINK AND PUT ALL MY FEELINGS ABOUT ALCOHOL ASIDE. I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND SEE IF WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ALCOHOL WAS TRUE.
I MET TEE AT THE CLUB AND I TOLD HIM I NEEDED A DRINK. HE WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT ALCOHOL. SO HE ASKED ME IF I WAS SURE AND I TOLD HIM I WOULDN'T BE ASKING IF  I WAS NOT SURE. HE ORDERED ONE, SOME LOCAL SPIRIT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER ITS NAME.
HE WAS SO SURE I WOULDNT DRINK IT BECAUSE THERE ARE SEVERAL TIMES HE ALWAYS TOLD ME TO TRY AND EVERY TIME IT GOT CLOSER TO MY MOUTH I COULDNT DO IT. BUT TONIGHT WAS DIFFERENT, I THOUGHT IF I CAN GO AHEAD WITH AN ABORTION FOR THE SECOND TIME, SURELY I CAN MASTER THE COURAGE TO SWALLOW SOME BITTER DRINK.
SO I DID, I SWALLOWED IT IN ONE GULP AND ASKED FOR ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE. TEE WAS VERY SURPRISED, HE DIDNT BELIEVE THAT I WAS THE ONE DOING THAT. THE STRANGE THING WAS THE MORE I DRUNK THE MORE I FELT LIKE I NEEDED ANOTHER DRINK. TEE HAD TO STOP ME SO THAT WE COULD NOT BE LATE FOR THE PARTY.
I DID NOT FEEL DRUNK. I WAS NOT WALKING IN A STRAIGHT LINE OF COURSE, BUT I WAS VERY CONSCIOUS OF MY BEING. I MEAN I DIDNT FORGET ANYTHING. I THOUGHT ALCOHOL MADE YOU FORGET. IT JUST GAVE ME A FULL STOMACH AND A NAUSEATING FEELING. I KEPT WISHING I HAD SOME WEED. BECAUSE THE WEED I HAD, I HAD SMOKED ALL OF IT AND IT WAS LATE. I COULDNT GO TO MY WEED DEALER TO GET SOME.
SO WE GOT TO THE PARTY, THERE WERE VERY FEW OF US, IT WASNT A LARGE PARTY. AFTER SOME SINGING FOR  THE BIRTHDAY GIRL AND WISHING HER ALL THE BEST IN LIFE. WE HAD SOME CAKE WHILE TALKING. MY BODY STARTED REACTING TO THE ALCOHOL AND I BEGAN THROWING UP, I THINK I THREW UP AROUND TEN TIMES. PEOPLE EVEN STARTED WONDERING WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, BUT I TOLD THEM I WAS FINE, IT'S JUST THAT IT WAS MY FIRST TIME DRINKING.
WHEN MY BODY WAS DONE RELEASING ALL THE ALCOHOL I HAD DRUNK, I PASSED OUT AND SLEPT FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS PLUS. WHEN I WOKE UP PEOPLE WERE STILL TALKING WITH SOME MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. TEE ASKED ME TO DANCE WITH HIM. I DINT WANT TO BUT HE WAS VERY PERSISTENT, SO I AGREED AND WE DANCED. WE WERE THE ONLY ONES AT THE DANCE FLOOR, SO THE OTHERS FOLLOWED SUIT AND IT WAS A FUN NIGHT.
WE ENDED UP SLEEPING OVER AT THE BIRTHDAY GIRLS PLACE, THOUGH THAT WAS NOT THE INTENTION.

PARTY

THAT NIGHT TEE AND I HAD A PRETTY DEEP CONVERSATION. THE NIGHT ENDED UP BEING LOVELY. COME FRIDAY A FRIEND OF MINE HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY. INITIALLY, I HAD NO INTENTION OF ATTENDING THE PARTY BUT DUE TO THE PREGNANCY I DECIDED I HAD TO GO AND IT WOULD BE A GOOD CHANCE FOR ME TO FORGET ALL ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.
FRIDAY CAME AND THAT MORNING TEE MADE ME BREAKFAST, HE WOKE UP RATHER EARLY SINCE HE HAD TO GO TO WORK. HE HAD MISSED WORK FOR QUITE A FEW DAYS. AFTER BREAKFAST HE LEFT AND WE AGREED THAT WE WOULD MEET AT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY INSTEAD OF HIM HAVING TO COME ALL THE WAY HOME ONLY FOR US TO LEAVE TOGETHER GOING BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM.
I SPENT THE DAY WATCHING MOVIES, SMOKING WEED, AND EATING. IT WAS A LOVELY DAY. EVENING CAME AND I DRESSED UP AND LEFT THE HOUSE. I WENT TO MY WEED DEALER AND BOUGHT SOME WEED FOR MY OWN PERSONAL USE AT THE PARTY.
WE MET WITH TEE AND WE WENT TOGETHER, IT TURNED OUT THAT A FRIEND OF OURS LIVED IN THE SAME BUILDING AS MY FRIEND WHO WAS HOLDING THE PARTY. THE THING IS, THIS MUTUAL FRIEND OF OURS TEE AND I HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS PREGNANT, SO THEY COULD NOT COME TO THE PARTY AND WE HAD TO GO SAY HI. WHICH MEANT WE HAD TO LEAVE THE PARTY.
AFTER SPENDING SOME TIME WITH THEM, MAKING A LOT OF JOKES AND LAUGHING A LOT WE WENT BACK TO THE PARTY, AND WE WERE STILL THE FIRST ONES TO ARRIVE. TEE SAID HE HAD SOME THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF AND HE WOULD BE BACK LATER.SO HE LEFT.  SEEING MY FRIEND AND HOW PREGNANT SHE WAS I FELT GUILTY AGAIN ABOUT THE PROCEDURE THAT WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE FOLLOWING DAY BUT WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE, SO I ASKED MY FRIEND IF I COULD SMOKE SOME WEED IN THEIR HOUSE AND SHE SAID IT WAS OKAY, SO I LIT UP A JOINT AND ESCAPED REALITY FOR A BIT.
TEE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO MEET SOMEONE, SO I LEFT THE PARTY. MY FRIEND AND HER TWO GIRLS WERE COOKING. THE PARTY HAD NOT YET BEGAN. TEE WAS IN A CLUB. I AM NOT A FAN OF ALCOHOL BUT THAT NIGHT I SWORE I WAS GOING TO DRINK TILL I FORGOT MY NAME.

HOME

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE TEE, EVERY TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM I JUST REMEMBERED ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED IN MY LIFE SINCE I MET HIM. THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD TIMES BUT AT THE MOMENT THE BAD OVERCAME THE GOOD.
I GOT TO THE HOUSE AND IT WAS SPARKLING CLEAN, I MEAN TEE HAD CLEANED UP, HE USUALLY DID THAT WHEN HE THOUGHT HE HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND I WAS MAD AT HIM. HE KNEW A CLEAN AND ORGANIZED HOUSE WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY.
I WASN'T HAPPY BUT I WAS GLAD. HE WASN'T AT THE HOUSE, HE WAS STILL AT THE NEIGHBOURS'. I JUST SAT ON THE BED AND CLOSED MY EYES FOR A MOMENT WHICH TURNED INTO HOURS ONLY TO WAKE UP AT 11P.M. TEE HAD ALREADY COOKED SUPPER AND WAS MAKING A MIXTAPE WITH THE LAPTOP. I LOVED HIS MIXTAPES COZ HIS CHOICE OF SONGS WERE JUST OVER THE TOP.
SLEEP ALWAYS MADE EVERYTHING BETTER, MY HEAD WAS LIGHT DUE TO ALL THE WEED I HAD SMOKED AND NO FOOD AND ADD SOME DEHYDRATION TO THAT, NOT FORGETTING AM PREGNANT.
"HEY BABE" TEE KISSED ME
"HEY, COULD YOU PLEASE GET ME SOME WATER," I TOLD HIM
HE SMILED AND GOT ME WATER. I KNEW THAT SMILE. THE SMILE HE GAVE ME WHEN HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAD DONE WRONG.
"I COOKED SUPPER, DO YOU WANNA EAT NOW?"
"YEAH, I'M STARVING" I DONT KNOW WHY BUT HE NEVER ATE WITHOUT ME, HE USUALLY WOKE ME UP WHEN THE FOOD WAS READY SO THAT WE COULD EAT TOGETHER, BUT THAT NIGHT HE DIDN'T WAKE ME UP.
WE ATE IN SILENCE LISTENING TO SOME MUSIC, EVERYONE LOST IN THEIR OWN THOUGHTS. HE FED ME FOOD IN THE MIDST AND WE WOULD LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE.
WHEN WE WERE DONE EATING HE ASKED ME
"BABE, DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?"
"YES"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME, I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU WERE READY YOU SHOULD TELL ME SO THAT WE COULD GO TOGETHER"
"I WASN'T FEELING LIKE IT, BESIDES YOU LEFT AND YO KNEW WE HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO"
"I LEFT COZ YOU WERE BEING ALL MOODY LIKE NOW"
"FINE, I WENT AND AM 18 WEEKS PREGNANT"
"THAT MEANS THAT THE PILLS DID NOT WORK"
"OBVIOUSLY"
"SO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF DOING?"
"I TALKED TO THE DOCTOR AND HE TOLD ME THEY DO PERFORM "TERMINATIONS" THAT WAS WHAT HE CALLED IT, SO I WILL GO ON SATURDAY"
"HOW DO YOU FEEL?" HE ASKED ME
"HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? IM DYING INSIDE, OF COURSE, WHY DID MY LIFE HAVE TO TURN OUT THIS WAY AND WHY DID I HAVE TO MEET YOU."
"THAT PART ABOUT MEETING ME I AGREE, I HAVE MADE YOUR LIFE NOTHING BUT TERRIBLE, THERE ARE MANY TIMES I WISH WE NEVER MET, NOT BECAUSE I DONT LOVE YOU BUT BECAUSE YOUR LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER WITHOUT ME." I HATED WHEN HE DID THAT, AGREE WITH ME. I LOVED IT WHEN WE ARGUED. BUT I WAS IN MY WORLD AND I HATED HIM AT THE MOMENT.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW MY LIFE WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT WITHOUT YOU IN IT?"
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS WAY, THAT IS AS MUCH AS I KNOW"
"WE WILL NEVER KNOW"
"HE MUST BE A FIGHTER, A SURVIVOR IF THE PILLS DID NOT EVEN HARM HIM"
"I THOUGHT THE SAME THING TOO, BUT YOU KNOW IT COULD BE A SHE"
"IT COULD BE, BUT MOST LIKELY ITS A HE"
TEE WAS ALL I HAD TO LEAN ON AND HE UNDERSTOOD MY SITUATION. HE HUGGED  ME AND I FELT GOOD, HOW I LOVED THAT CHEST. IT WAS SO COMFY, IT FELT LIKE HOME. I FORGET HOW MUCH I HATE HIM AND I REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM.
I CRIED AGAIN, THIS TIME IT FELT LIKE I WAS UNLOADING ALL THE BAGGAGE FROM MY PAST AS FAR AS I COULD REMEMBER.

TERRIBLE

WHO AM I? A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON. THAT WAS ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT IN MY MIND. I CRIED FOR LOTS OF REASONS BUT THE ONLY REASON WAS I FELT TERRIBLE AND CRYING MADE ME FEEL BETTER. THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT RELEASING YOUR ANGER THROUGH CRYING. YOU JUST FEEL UNLOADED. IT'S LIKE A SHOWER FOR THE SOUL.
THERE ARE MANY REASONS WHY I MOVED IN WITH TEE BUT THE MAIN ONE WAS I LOVED WHERE HE LIVED. THE PLACE WAS SURROUNDED BY TREES AND HILLS AND BEAUTIFUL ROCK FORMATIONS, BASICALLY IT WAS NATURE. I LOVE NATURE KEEPS ME SANE AND AT PEACE PLUS WHEN I SMOKED WEED ON TOP OF THE HILL JUST WATCHING THE SUNSET NO ONE BOTHERED ME, I COULD BE MYSELF AND GET AWAY FROM THE NOISE OF THE TOWN.
WHEN I FELT BETTER ABOUT CRYING AND MY TEARS FINALLY STOPPED ROLLING. I WENT TO MY WEED DEALER AND BOUGHT MYSELF SOME WEED. I WENT TO THE TOP OF THE HILL, SMOKED AND JUST WATCHED THE WORLD. IT WAS SO QUIET AND PEACEFULL LIKE MY TROUBLES DID NOT MEAN ANYTHING. LIFE JUST MOVED ON. THE BIRDS CHIRPED AND KEPT ON FLYING, THE WIND SWAYED THE TREES. I REALLY NEEDED THE PEACE AND I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND.
I STAYED THERE TILL SUNSET, I IGNORED ALL OF TEES' CALLS AND PUT THE PHONE ON SILENT MODE.
I FELT TERRIBLE THAT THE ABORTION PILLS FAILED AND THAT I WAS ABOUT TO GET RID OF MY BABY THE SECOND TIME. I JUST THOUGHT "YOU KNOW MY CHILD, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, DONT HATE ME FOR DOING THIS TO YOU AGAIN. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO HAVE YOU BUT WHAT IF THE PILLS MESSED WITH YOUR GROWTH AND WHEN I GIVE BIRTH TO YOU, YOU ARE FACED WITH A LOT OF HEALTH PROBLEMS. THIS IS WHY I CANT HAVE YOU. PLEASE DONT HATE ME"
EVERY TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT THE BABY I CRIED A LITTLE MORE AND SMOKED A LITTLE MORE. I KNEW TEE WOULD BE MAD COZ I LEFT WITHOUT TELLING HIM AND DID NOT PICK HIS CALLS BUT HIS ANGER WOULD SUBSIDE ONCE I TELL HIM ABOUT THE PREGNANCY.
FINALLY, IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO BACK HOME. I WAITED TILL DARKNESS MADE ITS WAY TO THE NIGHT.

TIME

THE EVENING WAS LOVELY, THERE WAS A LOT OF LAUGHTER, TEE IS SUCH A JOKER. BUT, I LOVE IT, TRUST HIM TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS UP WHEN YOU ARE DOWN. HE PREPARED SUPPER, WE ATE, WE SMOKED, WE DANCED AND WE LAUGHED A LOT. IT WAS A LOVELY EVENING.
I DECIDED THAT IT WAS NOW TIME TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, I CANT KEEP DELAYING MATTERS AND WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT BE SERIOUS THAN I THINK. I DECIDED TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL ON A TUESDAY, I DID NOT HAVE A CLASS THAT DAY AND IT JUST FELT LIKE A TUESDAY.
TEE SAID HE WOULD ACCOMPANY ME AND THIS TIME I WAS ALL ON BOARD. TUESDAY CAME AND HERE WE WERE, I WAS TO GO IN THE AFTERNOON AT AROUND 2PM AFTER I HAD LUNCH SO THAT IF THE NEWS WAS BAD I WOULD HAVE SOME ENERGY TO STRESS ABOUT IT.
BUT THEN THAT DAY I HAD ONE OF MY MOODS AND NOTHING TEE DID THAT WAS OKAY, I JUST KEPT GETTING MAD AT HIM I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO HEAR HIS VOICE, HE GOT TIRED OF MY MOOD SWINGS AND TOLD ME THAT HE WILL BE AT THE NEIGHBOURS, WHEN I WAS READY TO LIVE I SHOULD GO GET HIM. I TOLD HIM OKAY.
WHEN I WAS DONE SHOWERING AND DRESSED UP, MY MOODS GOT THE BETTER OF ME AND DECIDED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT HIM, I JUST LEFT AND DIDNT EVEN SAY A WORD.
I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL AND BOY WAS I NERVOUS ALL OF A SUDDEN. LUCKY ME THERE WAS NO QUEUE SO I JUST WENT AHEAD TO THE DOCTORS'.
"HI, I HAVE COME FOR A PREGNANCY TEST"
"OKAY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD YOUR LAST PERIODS?"
"NO"
"NO PROBLEM, THE TEST WILL TELL US HOW OLD THE PREGNANCY IS, IF YOU ARE PREGNANT"
HE EXAMINED ME AND I WAS PREGNANT, 18 WEEKS PREGNANT AND I WAS LIKE WHAT??!!. MY HEAD BEGAN SPINNING RIGHT AWAY.
"YOU WILL HAVE THE BABY SOMETIME..." I CUT HIM SHORT BEFORE HE FINISHED THE SENTENCE
"DO YOU PERFORM ABORTIONS?" HE WAS SHOCKED, BUT I COULD CARE LESS WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT ME
"YES WE DO"
"HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?" I ASKED HIM AND HE GAVE ME A FIGURE. I TOLD HIM OKAY.
"SHALL WE DO THIS NOW?" HE ASKED ME
"NO, I HAD NOT CARRIED ANY MONEY WITH ME, BUT I WILL COME LATER"
"OKAY I WILL BE WAITING"
I PAID HIM CONSULTATION FEE AND LEFT.
AS I WAS WALKING HOME, MY TEARS JUST FELL, I JUST CRIED AND WALKED, I COULD NOT RESIST THE TEARS, THE EMOTIONS,  THE FEELINGS.
PEOPLE STARED AT ME AND THEY WERE THE LEAST OF MY CONCERNS, WHATEVER THEY THOUGHT WAS WRONG WITH ME, TO MAKE ME WALK WHILE CRYING. THAT WAS THEIR PROBLEM.

SUPPORT

TEE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE. HE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF IN A MAN, APART FROM A FEW SETBACKS. BUT, HEY NOBODY IS PERFECT IT IS NOT LIKE I WAS THE BEST GIRLFRIEND. BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP DID ALRIGHT.
FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS HE DID NOT ALLOW ME TO LIFT A FINGER IN CASE SUCH AN ATTACK HAPPENED AGAIN. HE ALSO INSISTED THAT WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT I REFUSED, I GUESS ITS CAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT THEY WERE GONNA TELL ME AND I HATE HOSPITALS AND THEY NEVER ALWAYS DELIVER GOOD NEWS.
THE WEEK WENT BY, AND I DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR THE PREGNANCY TEST AGAIN. SO I WENT AND BOUGHT THE KIT AND WENT BACK HOME. DEEP DOWN I KNEW WHAT THE RESULT WOULD BE BUT I JUST HOPED MY THINKING WAS WRONG. TEE WAS WITH ME OF COURSE, HE WOULD NOT LET ME BE ALONE.
I TOOK THE TEST AND WAITED, MOST EXCRUCIATING THIRTY MINUTES OF MY LIFE. I CHECKED THE RESULT AND THIS TIME IT WAS A VERY STRONG POSITIVE. IT FELT LIKE A HEART ATTACK, DESPITE MY HAVING KNOWING THE TRUTH THE REALITY WAS STILL A PAIN TO SWALLOW.
"IT'S POSITIVE, AGAIN," I TOLD TEE
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" HE ASKED ME
"IT MEANS I AM PREGNANT"
"I KNOW THAT, WHAT AM ASKING IS HOW? WE HAVENT HAD SEX SINCE..."
HE COULDNT BRING HIMSELF TO SAY THE WORD
"ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING?" I ASKED HIM
"BABE PLEASE RELAX, I THINK YOU ARE IN SHOCK. STOP JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS"
"OKAY FINE, I NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW"
"I AM NOT LEAVING YOU LIKE THIS"
"PLEASE BABE, I JUST NEED A MOMENT"
"I WILL GO GET US SOME SUPPER, IS THAT A MOMENT ENOUGH?"
"YES IT IS"
"IN CASE OF ANYTHING JUST CALL ME. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?"
"SOME FRUITS"
"I'M LEAVING AND TRY TO RELAX, DONT THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT"
"OKAY, NOW PLEASE LEAVE"
HE GAVE ME A KISS AND LEFT.
I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, I COULD NOT TELL HIM UNTIL I WAS SURE AND I WAS NOT YET READY TO FACE ANOTHER REALITY.

ATTACK

THE WEEK WENT BY SO SLOWLY, MAYBE IT WAS FAST BUT TO ME IT WAS SO SLOW. I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THE PREGNANCY AND I EVEN WENT TO LECTURERS SO AS TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE ISSUE AND YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW THE AMOUNT OF WEED THAT I SMOKED. BUT ALL IN ALL, LIFE WAS MOVING ON. THE SUN ROSE AND SET WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.
I REMEMBER THE DAY WAS ON A SATURDAY, JUST A NORMAL SUNNY, BLUE SKIES KINDA DAY. TEE AND I CLEANED UP, GENERAL CLEANING, WE WENT AND BOUGHT SOME LUNCH AND WEED TOO AND COOKED OURSELVES A VERY HEALTHY NICE MEAL OF COURSE WITH SOME FRUITS TO WASH IT ALL DOWN.
TEE ALWAYS LIKED TO JOKE ABOUT HOW THE BODY IS NEVER SATISFIED, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT TYPE OF FOOD YOU GIVE IT BUT AFTER A FEW HOURS IT WILL NEED TO BE FED AGAIN.
FOOD WAS READY AND THE AROMA WAS SO INVITING. HE SERVED, WE ALWAYS ATE FROM THE SAME PLATE. JUST ONE OF THE THINGS THAT LOVERS DO. DONT ASK ME WHY IT JUST HAPPENS. WE DID NOT HAVE A SOFA JUST THE BED. SO WE SAT ON THE BED AND PUT ON A MOVIE TO WATCH WHILE WE ATE.
AT THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE I FELT THIRSTY AND WENT TO DRINK SOME WATER. I STARTED FEELING DIZZY AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WOKE UP TO TEE SCREAMING MY NAME AND SHAKING ME. THERE WAS FEAR IN HIS EYES. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM SO AFRAID.
WHEN I OPENED MY EYES HE ASKED ME IF I WAS OKAY AND TOLD HIM YES, HE SAT ME DOWN. HE ASKED ME IF I COULD WALK AND I SAID YES. HE TOLD ME TO GET UP SO THAT WE CAN GO SEAT UNDER A TREE.
HE WAS HOLDING ME ALL THE WAY TO THE TREE AS IF I WAS INCAPABlE OF EVEN WALKING. WERE IT NOT TO MY CONSTANT REFUSAL HE WOULD HAVE CARRIED ME.
WHEN WE GOT TO THE TREE, I ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED COZ THE LAST THING I REMEMBERED WAS FEELING DIZZY AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE JUST HEARD MY BODY AS IT HIT THE FLOOR AND HE LAID ME ON THE BED. I WAS PASSED OUT FOR A GOOD FIVE MINUTES.
HE THOUGHT THAT I PASSED OUT COZ THE ROOM WAS TOO HOT AND THAT WAS WHY HE TOOK ME UNDER THE TREE, FOR THE BREEZE AND SOME COLD AIR. WE SAT IN SILENCE AND HE HELD ME SO CLOSE.
ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THE FEAR IN HIS EYES, MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD DIE IN HIS HOUSE OR MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID OF LOSING ME.
WHATEVER THE FEAR IN HIS EYES WAS ABOUT, I NEVER ASKED HIM. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT LOOK.

PANIC

HELLO GUYS, SORRY I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG. BUT, THE JOURNEY CONTINUES.

AFTER THREE DAYS I DECIDED I WOULD NOT WAIT ANYMORE FOR THEM. SO, I WENT TO THE CHEMIST AND BOUGHT A PREGNANCY TEST. I WAS PANICKING ALL THE WAY, I KEPT TELLING MYSELF NO, I CANNOT BE PREGNANT BUT A SMALL VOICE, YOU KNOW THAT VOICE OF REASON INSIDE YOUR BEING, THE ONE THAT WE ALWAYS IGNORE BUT IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
THE VOICE TOLD ME THAT I WAS PREGNANT, AS USUAL, I FOUGHT WITH IT AND TOLD IT NO, I AM NOT. HOW CAN I BE, I MEAN I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE... OH RIGHT. NO, IT CANNOT BE. PLEASE GOD DONT LET IT BE THAT. AND THE VOICE TOLD ME, WHAT YOU ARE THINKING IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.
I WENT HOME, I WAS WITH TEE, HE ALSO WANTED TO KNOW, BUT HIS EXCUSE WAS I JUST WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU IN CASE OF ANYTHING. WHEN WE GOT HOME I TOOK THE TEST AND ONE HOUR PASSED WITHOUT ME LOOKING AT THE TEST, I WAS TOO NERVOUS AND WHEN TEE TOLD ME TO CHECK IT ON MY BEHALF I REFUSED.
FINALLY, I GOT THE COURAGE AND IT WAS POSITIVE BUT A VERY FAINT LINE, SO I TOLD MYSELF THAT IT MUST BE THE EFFECTS AND HORMONES FROM THE PREGNANCY THAT ARE MAKING THE RESULT POSITIVE AND SINCE IT WAS VERY FAINT.
I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE. TEE JUST WENT ALONG WITH WHAT I SAID COZ, WHAT ELSE WOULD HE DO. I JUST HOPED I WAS RIGHT. THE VOICE JUST LAUGHED AT ME. I KNOW THE TRUTH AND YOU DO TOO, YOU JUST WANT TO DENY IT.
I DECIDED TO WAIT ANOTHER WHOLE WEEK, TO TAKE THE TEST AGAIN AND SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. MY MIND TOLD ME THAT BY THEN THE RESULT WOULD BE NEGATIVE BUT MY BEING TOLD ME IT WOULD STILL BE POSITIVE.
A LIE IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN THE TRUTH.