NEW LIFE

MY FINAL SEMESTER WAS EASY, NOT SO MUCH WORK TO DO. THE ONLY ISSUE I HAD WAS THAT I WAS BATTLING WITH MY DEPRESSION. IT GOT WORSE WHEN MY FRIEND GAVE BIRTH AND TO A BABY BOY. ALL THE EMOTIONS IT STIRRED ON ME. TEE WOULDN'T HELP BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO. I MEAN I EVEN FAILED TO HELP MYSELF, WEED WAS MY ONLY FRIEND. IT UNDERSTOOD ME AND MADE ME SEE LIFE.
AS USUAL I DID NOT ATTEND ALL MY LECTURES BUT THAT DID NOT STOP ME FROM STUDYING, STUDYING WAS NOT AN ISSUE. AROUND NOVEMBER JUST BEFORE I SAT FOR MY FINAL EXAMS, I FOUND OUT THAT I WAS PREGNANT. I WAS VERY EXCITED. AND THEN I GOT MIXED EMOTIONS BECAUSE I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A NEW CHALLENGE. BUT I SWORE TO MYSELF THAT THIS TIME, I WILL HAVE THE BABY. MY OTHER DECISIONS WERE BASED ON THE FACT THAT I WAS STILL AT SCHOOL BUT THIS TIME I WASN'T, SO I I DID NOT HAVE AN EXCUSE AS TO NOT HAVE THE BABY.
I TOLD TEE AND I CANT REMEMBER HIS REACTION, IT IS ALWAYS HARD FOR ME TO TELL HIS EMOTIONS OR WHAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT, HE IS A HARD MAN TO READ. HE ASKED WHAT WAS MY DECISION AND I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD HAVE THE BABY AND HE WAS LIKE "NOO, WE ARE NOT EVEN FINANCIALLY STABLE, WHAT IF WE FAIL TO TAKE CARE OF HIM, YES HE SAID A HIM" I TOLD HIM THAT THEN LET "HIM" BE OUR MOTIVATION TO WORK HARDER COZ EITHER WAY, THIS TIME I WILL HAVE THE BABY, SO HE TOOK ON THE CHALLENGE AND ACCEPTED. HIS BUSINESS WAS NOT DOING SO WELL LATELY AND MOST OF THE TIME WE WERE BROKE. BUT I WAS DETERMINED COME RAIN COME SUNSHINE, THEN WE WILL EXPERIENCE IT TOGETHER UNLESS LIFE HAS OTHER PLANS FOR ME.

CHANGE

MY FINAL YEAR WAS ALSO OUR THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH TEE. PEOPLE OFTEN ASKED US WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?" AND WE WOULD LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BE LIKE WE DONT REALLY HAVE AN ANNIVERSARY. THE FIRST TIME I SAW TEE IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE SAW ME, AND WE NEVER REALLY GOT FORMAL ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, HE NEVER ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND AND I NEVER ASKED HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND, I DONT THINK WE EVEN EVER DATED. WE JUST LET LIFE CARRY AS ALONG, WE WERE BASICALLY GOOD FRIENDS WHO ENJOYED EACH OTHERS COMPANY AND PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED WE WERE A COUPLE, AND I GUESS WE WERE SINCE WE WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER AND LIVED TOGETHER. SO TO GIVE PEOPLE THE ANSWER THEY NEEDED ABOUT WHEN WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY, WE DECIDED TO COME UP WITH A DATE, MOSTLY WE WOULD USE THE FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX BUT IT SEEMED SO ODD, SO WE JUST GAVE IT JANUARY 1ST.
MY FOURTH YEAR UNITS SEEMED PRETTY SIMPLE AND I WAS SO EXCITED, BUT THERE WAS THIS LECTURER I REALLY DID HATE AND IT TURNED OUT HE WAS GOING TO TEACH US ONE OF THE UNITS. I WAS SO FURIOUS I NEVER ATTENDED HIS UNIT THE WHOLE SEMESTER. I DID QUITE WELL ON MY FOURTH YEAR FIRST SEM BUT I DID FAIL ONE UNIT, THAT LECTURERS UNIT. LATER I CAME TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS REALLY SIMPLE AND IF I HAD PUT MY HATRED ASIDE I WOULD HAVE PASSED THE UNIT. SCHOOL WAS EASY FOR ME BUT EMOTIONALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICAL, MY DEMONS CAUGHT UP WITH ME THAT SEMESTER.
I WAS ALWAYS DEPRESSED I GAVE TEE A HARD TIME, I COULDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I KEPT ASKING GOD WHAT IS LIFE? WHY I'M I EVEN LIVING? AM A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING. WEED PLAYED A BIG PART IN KEEPING ME SANE THAT SEMESTER WHICH MEANS I SMOKED A LOT OF IT, I DEPENDED ON IT. I SPENT MORE TIME WITH NATURE TO TRY AND SEE IF MY MIND WOULD BE AT PEACE, BUT I FELT PEACEFULL ONLY WHEN I WAS HIGH WHEN I WAS NOT I COULD FEEL MYSELF GOING CRAZY.
THE DEPRESSION HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY CHILD. A FRIEND OF MINE GOT PREGNANT AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED, WE SPENT MOST OF THE TIME TOGETHER AND SHE WOULD SHARE ALL HER HOPES AND DREAMS WITH ME ABOUT HER CHILD. WE WENT BABY SHOPPING AND EVERY MOMENT GOT ME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. NORMALLY AM NOT ONE TO REGRET BUT THIS TIME I DID. I KEPT THINKING WHAT IF? WHAT IF? MY BABY WOULD BE HERE WITH ME RIGHT NOW, I WOULD BE HOLDING HIM IN MY ARMS. BUT THE DEED WAS DONE AND I HAD TO DEAL WITH MY DEMONS.
I DECIDED TO GO HOME AND SEE IF A CHANGE IN ENVIRONMENT WOULD HELP GET RID OF MY DEMONS BUT IT DID NOT, I EVEN FELT MORE DEPRESSED. MY DAD KEPT ASKING ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND I HAD TO COME UP WITH AN EXCUSE EVERY TIME. MY MUM TOLD ME "CHERRY YOU LOOK SO UNHAPPY, WHAT IS WRONG?" AND I WOULD BE LIKE NOTHING MUM I'M FINE. THE QUESTIONS GOT MORE INTENSE AND I DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, TO AVOID THE QUERIES.
I DID NOT WIN THE BATTLE BUT I DID A GOOD JOB IN PRETENDING TO BE SANE UNTIL THE SEMESTER WAS OVER. WHAT I DID NOT KNOW WAS THAT, THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING. LIFE HAD MORE PLANS FOR ME COME THE FOLLOWING SEMESTER.

FINAL YEAR

AFTER MY INTERNSHIP, WHICH I DID EXTREMELY WELL AND LEARNT A LOT, I WENT HOME FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS. THE HOLIDAY WAS FOR FOUR WEEKS BUT I NEEDED TWO WEEKS TO MYSELF. SO AFTER THE TWO WEEKS HOLIDAY AT HOME, I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL. MY MAIN THEME FOR THOSE TWO WEEKS BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED WAS; SMOKING A LOT OF WEED, EATING WHATEVER I WANT, SLEEPING AND WATCHING MOVIES. THAT WAS MY PLAN.
I HAD ALREADY GIVEN UP ON TEE, IT HAD BEEN THREE MONTHS AND HE STILL HAD NOT COME BACK. EVERY TIME WE TALKED HE WOULD BE LIKE, I PROMISE NEXT WEEK I WILL COME, SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN. FINALLY, I LEARNT THAT NEXT WEEK WAS NEXT MONTH AND NEXT MONTH PROBABLY NEXT YEAR.
ONE TIME WE WERE TALKING AND HE TOLD ME, I SWEAR BABE, I WILL COME TOMORROW AND I TOLD HIM, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT BUT YOUR TOMORROW NEVER COMES.
SO WE ENDED THE CONVERSATION RIGHT THERE. IT WAS AROUND 5PM, LIKE MY NORM, I WENT TO MY DEALER GOT MYSELF SOME WEED, BOUGHT SUPPER AND WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE, TO SMOKE AND COOK. THERE WAS A KNOCK AND I FROWNED BECAUSE HERE I WAS ENJOYING MY HIGH MOMENTS AND SOMEONE WANTS TO CUT THAT SHORT. SO I OPENED THE DOOR AND YES, TEE STOOD THERE JUST STARING AT ME WITH A MISCHEVIOUS SMILE.
 I MEAN IT HAD BEEN THREE MONTHS, HE EXPECTED ME TO HUG HIM AND KISS HIM AND BE OVER MYSELF WITH JOY BUT I WASNT DOING ANY OF THAT. SO WE STARED AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD 5MINUTES, THEN WE HUGGED. HE WAS LIKE
"BABE YOU DONT LOOK SO HAPPY TO SEE ME"
"OF COURSE AM NOT"
"BUT I THOUGHT YOU MISSED ME"
"WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG" WE STARED AT EACH OTHER. EVERY TIME I SAW HIM AFTER A LONG TIME IT WAS ALWAYS WEIRD, LIKE "WHAT DO WE DO NOW?"
SO I GAVE HIM SOME WEED, HE SMOKED AND WE STARTED TALKING, HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE COUNTRY AND WE LAUGHED, WE LISTENED TO MUSIC AND WE ATE.
I DIDNT REALIZE HOW MUCH EMPTY THE HOUSE WAS UNTIL WE STARTED TALKING, I MEAN I HAD MISSED HIM MORE THAN I THOUGHT. I THINK WEED SHOULD BE GIVEN ALL THE CREDIT BUT LOVE WAS ALSO IN THE AIR SO WHEN YOU COMBINE BOTH IT WAS A LOVELY EXPERIENCE.
I WAS NOW IN MY FOURTH AND FINAL YEAR IN CAMPUS, AND ONLY 1WEEK WAS REMAINING TO THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER. I STILL HAD MY RESOLUTIONS TO WORK HARD. BUT LIFE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME.

WORK

I BEGAN WORKING AT THE COLLEGE BUT GOT BORED EVEN BEFORE THE FIRST DAY WAS OVER. I TRIED TELLING THE PRINCIPAL THAT HE SHOULD UPGRADE THE SCHOOLS RESOURCES BECAUSE THERE WAS NO WAY STUDENTS WERE GOING TO BE COMPETITIVE WITH THOSE KINDS OF RESOURCES. BUT HE JUST IGNORED ME. HE THOUGHT THAT JUST COZ I HAD NOT COMPLETED SCHOOL AND I WAS YOUNG I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
I  COULD RUN THE SCHOOL BETTER THAN HIM AND EVEN IMPROVE THE TURNOUT OF THE STUDENTS. BUT AFTER TRYING TO TALK TO HIM FOR TWO DAYS I GAVE UP. THE SCHOOL WAS OF NO USE TO ME, THERE IS NOTHING NEW I WAS LEARNING THERE. SO I DECIDED TO QUIT AND GO FOLLOW UP ON THE UNIVERSITY. SO THE NEXT DAY WHICH WAS FRIDAY I NEVER SHOWED UP TO WORK AND I DIDNT GIVE HIM A NOTICE.
THE LOCAL UNIVERSITY TURNED OUT THEY HAD AN OPEN SPOT BUT I WAS TO GO TO THE MAIN CAMPUS FOR A WEEK, SO THAT THEY CAN DETERMINE WHETHER I WAS QUALIFIED FOR THE POSITION. I WAS SO HAPPY. I KNEW I WOULD PASS. BECAUSE I'M GREAT WITH REAL LIFE SITUATIONS AND PRACTICAL STUFF I JUST HATE THEORETICAL STUFF ESPECIALLY IF I'M GOING TO BE TESTED. I LIKE THEORY IF I'M READING FOR MY OWN PERSONAL REASONS.
I WENT TO THE CAMPUS FOR A WEEK, I PASSED AND THEY SAID I COULD START MY ATTACHMENT. BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I LEARNED A LOT FROM THEM. AND I ALSO GAVE THEM NEW IDEAS TO EMPLOY TO THEIR CAMPUS, WHICH TILL DATE THEY STILL USE AND EVERY TIME I SEE MY WORK I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT SUCH A LOSER.
THOSE THREE MONTHS WERE THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE, I WENT TO WORK HIGH EVERYDAY AND THEY NEVER EVEN NOTICED. GETTING HIGH HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH I MISSING TEE A LOT I MEAN IT HAD BEEN THREE MONTHS SINCE WE LAST SAW EACH OTHER AND HE WAS NOT COMING BACK ANYTIME SOON, I WAS KIND OF LONELY.
I HATE THE WORD LONELY, I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I FOUGHT WITH TEE. MIND YOU WE HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A WEEK, MEANING WE REALLY DID NOT KNOW EACH OTHER THAT WELL AND WE HAD NO LOVE INTEREST WHATSOEVER TOWARDS EACH OTHER, AND HE HAD THE GUTS TO TELL ME THAT I WAS LONELY. I GOT SO MAD THAT I DID NOT TALK TO HIM FOR TWO WEEKS. MOSTLY BECAUSE HE WAS RIGHT AND HE HAD THE COURAGE TO TELL ME THAT.
ANYWAY, MY COLLEAGUES AT WORK LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT EVEN AFTER THE ATTACHMENT THEY TOLD ME I SHOULD GO THERE ANYTIME I WANT TO, I WAS PRACTICALLY FAMILY. ANYWAY, THE END OF MY ATTACHMENT MARKED THE BEGINNING OF MY FOURTH AND FINAL YEAR IN CAMPUS. I MADE RESOLUTIONS THAT I WOULD STUDY SO HARD IN MY FINAL YEAR, I DID NOT LOOK FORWARD TO FAILING ANY UNITS.
LIFE JUST SAT UP THERE WITH A SMIRK ON ITS FACE, TELLING ME "MY DEAR CHERRY, YOU ARE IN FOR SOME BIG SURPRISES"

ATTACHMENT

AFTER I SETTLED DOWN, I CALLED TEE TO INFORM HIM THAT I GOT TO SCHOOL SAFE, WE TALKED A WHILE ABOUT MISSING EACH OTHER AND SOME LOVEY DOVEY BLAHBLAHBLAH. I WAS TOO TIRED TO COOK, I JUST BOUGHT FOOD, MILK, AND WEED. I KNEW THAT AFTER HAVING A SHOWER AND SETTLING DOWN ON THE BED TO WATCH A MOVIE WHILE GETTING HIGH AND EATING, I WILL JUST PASS OUT. AND THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
THE FOLLOWING DAY, A FRIEND OF MINE HER NAME WAS WREN, WE WERE TO GO FOLLOW UP ON OUR ATTACHMENT APPLICATIONS SINCE WE HAD APPLIED AT THE SAME ORGANIZATIONS. TIME WAS RUNNING OUT AND I DINT LOOK FORWARD TO FAILING MY ATTACHMENT. AFTER A QUICK SHOWER AND SOME BREAKFAST. WE WENT TO THE RESPECTIVE ORGANIZATIONS.
THERE WAS ONE COLLEGE INSTITUTE THAT OFFERED AS A POSITION AND TOLD US TO REPORT ON WEDNESDAY, IT WAS AN OPPORTUNITY ALRIGHT BUT I DID NOT WANT TO CARRY OUT MY ATTACHMENT THERE. THE SCHOOL FACILITIES WERE OUT, OF DATE, I COULD HAVE BEEN THE PRINCIPAL AND TURN THAT PLACE AROUND. BUT AT LEAST I HAD SOMETHING BEFORE I SECURED A PLACE ON A LOCAL UNIVERSITY THAT I HAD MY EYES SET ON.
AFTER THE DAY I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO GO VISIT MY GRANDFATHER BEFORE I BEGAN MY ATTACHMENT. THE FOLLOWING DAY I TOOK A BUS, AND WITHIN 2 HOURS I WAS ALREADY THERE. HE WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE ME. I WAS NAMED AFTER HIS WIFE, WHO DIED DURING CHILDBIRTH, I NEVER GOT TO MEET HER.
BUT FROM THE STORIES GRANDPA TOLD ME, SHE WAS AN AMAZING WOMAN. I SPENT THE DAY WITH HIM AND LEFT IN THE EVENING AT AROUND 5PM. NOW I WAS CONTENT AND READY TO FACE THE WORLD.

DEAD END

THE DAY WAS FINALLY HERE, I HAD GROWN SO ATTACHED TO TEE'S VILLAGE THAT I FELT SAD LEAVING. TEE USUALLY TELLS ME THAT I GET ATTACHED TOO MUCH AND I TELL HIM "HOW ABOUT I STOP LOVING YOU RIGHT NOW" AND HE WOULD SAY THAT "YOU KNOW THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE" AND WE WOULD ARGUE UNTIL NO ONE WINS.
IT WAS A SUNDAY AND I HAD TO LEAVE EARLY TO MAKE IT BACK TO SCHOOL EARLY. STAYING AT THE COUNTRY MADE ME MISS MY GRANDFATHER SO MUCH THAT I VOWED ONCE I LEFT, I WOULD GO AND SEE HIM. THAT SUNDAY MORNING I PACKED UP MY STUFF AND IT WAS TIME TO GO. TEE, HIS BROTHER AND HIS FRIEND WERE TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE BUS STATION. HE SUGGESTED THAT WE SHOULD TAKE A MOTORCYCLE SINCE IT WAS QUITE THE DISTANCE BUT I REFUSED, I WANTED TO WALK AND TAKE IN THE SCENE FOR THE LAST TIME.
WE GOT TO THE BUS STATION, I PURCHASED MY TICKET AND AS WE WAITED, TEE SUGGESTED TO ME THAT THERE IS A PLACE HE KNEW IN TOWN WHERE WE COULD FIND AND SMOKE SOME WEED BEFORE I LEFT. WHO WAS I TO OBJECT? I TOLD HIM WE SHOULD GO. WE WENT, THE THREE OF US.
WE SMOKED AND TALKED AND LAUGHED. TEE'S BROTHER DID NOT SMOKE, BUT SINCE EVERYONE THERE WAS SMOKING HE GOT HIGH THROUGH ALL THAT SMOKE AND HE GOT REALLY TALKATIVE WHICH WAS GOOD COZ IT WAS AMAZING AND HE WAS FUNNY TOO. BY THE TIME WE WERE DONE, I FEARED THE BUS WOULD HAVE ALREADY LEFT. YOU DONT KNOW HOW TIME GOES BY WHEN HIGH. BUT HOW WAS I TO GO ON AN EMPTY STOMACH AFTER SMOKING WEED, SO WE WENT TO A HOTEL AND WE ATE. THEN THEY TOOK ME TO THE BUS STATION.
THE BUS HAD ALREADY LEFT BUT THEY TOLD ME TO GET IN THE NEXT ONE. WHICH HAD ONLY TWO REMAINING SEATS. I HUGGED THEM GOODBYE AND I DID NOT EVEN GIVE TEE A KISS. I FELT SO SAD. GOODBYES ARE SAD FOR ME, I DONT LIKE THEM. I FELT LIKE MY HEART WAS BEING RIPPED APART. I HAD GROWN SO ATTACHED THAT IT FELT SAD TO LEAVE.
THE BUS WAS FULL AND IT WAS TIME TO GO. WE LEFT, I WAVED GOODBYE AGAIN THROUGH THE WINDOW. AFTER SOME DISTANCE I CRIED, I REMEMBERED ALL THOSE MOMENTS AND I ACTUALLY CRIED. I DONT KNOW IF I WAS CRYING FOR TEE OR THE PLACE. I HAVE NEVER CRIED FOR LEAVING A PLACE BUT I DID AND THE PERSON NEXT TO ME ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG AND I SAID SOMETHING GOT IN MY EYE. WHICH WAS A WHITE LIE BECAUSE HOW COULD SO MANY TEARS BE FROM SOMETHING IN MY EYE. HE DID NOT INSIST.
ON THE WAY I SAW ONLY LOVE, ITS FUNNY HOW THE MIND REVEALS THE EXACT SAME THING YOU ARE FEELING AROUND YOU. I SAW TWO KIDS ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD A BOY AND A GIRL, THEY RAN TOWARDS EACH OTHER HUGGED AND KISSED AND THEN THEY SHIED AWAY AND STARTED RUNNING AGAIN. I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN THAT IMAGE.
I SAW A LOT OF LOVERS AND THEY MADE ME ALL THE MORE SAD BUT GLAD THAT I ALSO HAD LOVE. MY JOURNEY GOT TO AN END. I GOT TO SCHOOL JUST IN TIME, BOUGHT FOOD AND WEED AND WENT TO THE HOUSE. IT WAS GOING TO BE SO EMPTY WITHOUT TEE.

LAST NIGHT

I FINALLY FOUND OUT THAT THE REASON FOR MY MOODSWINGS WAS MY PERIODS. THE PAIN I USUALLY GOT FROM MY PERIODS I COULD HANDLE BECAUSE IT WAS ALWAYS BEARABLE, BUT AFTER THE ABORTION, THE PAIN WAS EXTREMELY INTENSE. ANYWAY, ON MY LAST DAY AT THE VILLAGE, TEE'S BROTHER AND I WENT TO THE RIVER WE HANG OUT AND TALKED A LOT, THEN HE SHOWED ME AROUND THE VILLAGE, THE PLACE WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, I MEAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.
I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT TEE WAS DOING THAT DAY BUT HE WAS NOT AROUND, SO IN THE EVENING I DECIDED TO BUY SOME ALCOHOL TO CELEBRATE MY STAY IN THE VILLAGE BEFORE THE FOLLOWING DAY CAME WHICH WAS A SUNDAY WHICH WAS WHEN I HAD TO LEAVE. I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED WEED BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GET WEED. SO I OPTED FOR ALCOHOL.
TEE'S BROTHER TOOK ME TO THE SHOPPING CENTER, I BOUGHT TWO BOTTLES, I KNEW I WOULD BARELY DRINK BUT TEE WOULD. THAT NIGHT AFTER WE ALL HAD SUPPER, TEE INVITED HIS FRIEND OVER, THE ONE WHO GAVE US WEED BUT UNFORTUNATELY THAT NIGHT HE DID NOT HAVE WEED. IT WAS A FULL MOON, THE SKYS LOOKED AMAZING, THE AIR WAS SO CALM. I FELT LIKE I COULD LIVE IN THAT MOMENT FOREVER.
WE PUT ON SOME MUSIC AND WE DRANK AND TALKED AND THE ALCOHOL DID NOT LAST THAT LONG AND NO ONE WAS DRUNK BY THE TIME THE TWO BOTTLES WERE OVER. BUT WE HAD A GREAT TIME. WE WATCHED THE STARS UNTIL AROUND 1AM, TEE'S FRIEND LEFT AND TEE WENT WITH HIM JUST TO MAKE SURE HE GOT HOME SAFELY, HIS HOUSE WAS NOT FAR AWAY FROM TEE'S.
WHEN HE CAME BACK I WAS ALREADY IN BED SO HE JOINED ME, I FOUND OUT THAT THE REASON HE HAD GONE AWAY THE WHOLE DAY WAS BECAUSE I WAS BEING ALL MOODY ON HIM AND HE DID NOT WANT TO ARGUE ON OUR LAST DAY. I SAID THAT THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE, I WAS NOTHING BUT SWEET TO HIM BUT OF COURSE WE BOTH KNEW I WAS LYING.
WE PUT ALL THAT BEHIND US AND DECIDED TO ENJOY THE NIGHT, WE TALKED INTO THE NIGHT ABOUT HOW MUCH WE WOULD MISS EACH OTHER AND WE HAD SEX. AND WE CALLED IT A NIGHT.

LOVE

THERE WAS SOME LOVE THAT NIGHT AND MY HOLIDAY WAS COMING TO AN END. MY PLAN WAS TO STAY THERE FOR A WEEK THEN GO BACK TO SCHOOL TO FOLLOW UP ON THE APPLICATIONS I HAD SENT FOR MY ATTACHMENT. I DID NOT WANT TO MISS AN ATTACHMENT. THE FOLLOWING DAY CAME, TEE, HIS BROTHER AND I EACH OF US HAD DUTIES TO DO. TEE WAS TAKING CARE OF THE COW, HIS BROTHER WAS FINISHING UP ON SOME FIELD WORK AND I WAS DOING THE UTENSILS AFTER HAVING CLEANED UP THE COMPOUND.
THE DAY WAS SUNNY, WE WERE CHATTING WITH TEE LISTENING TO THE RADIO WHEN GRANDPA SUDDENLY ENTERED THE COMPOUND. GRANDPA WAS KATES DAD, HE WAS CONSIDERABLY OLD THAT'S WHY I CALLED HIM GRANDPA, KATE WAS THE LASTBORN, HE HAD LIKE FIFTEEN CHILDREN I THINK.
SO WE GREETED HIM AND GAVE HIM A SEAT. HE CAME OVER TO TALK TO TEE, SO THEY TALKED ABOUT VARIOUS ISSUES WHILE TEES BROTHER AND I MADE THEM TEA. THE CALF WAS SICK AND GRANDPA HAD COME TO GIVE TEE ADVICE ON HOW TO TAKE CARE OF IT, BUT MONTHS LATER THE CALF PASSED AWAY.
GRANDPA WAS THERE FOR A WHILE AND WE DID NOT TALK APART FROM GREETINGS, I WAS STILL HAVING ONE OF MY MOOD SWINGS. THE DAY PASSED BY PRETTY FAST AND IN THE EVENING TEE AND I WENT TO GET SOME WEED TO SMOKE UNDER THE NIGHT SKYS. TEES BROTHER NEVER SMOKED, HE ACTUALLY DID NOT DO ANY DRUGS. I LIKED THAT ABOUT HIM, HE STOOD BY HIS PRINCIPLES.
THERE WERE ONLY TWO DAYS LEFT FOR MY DEPARTURE, I WAS TO LEAVE ON A SUNDAY.
BUT THAT NIGHT AFTER WE HAD SMOKED WEED, TEE HAD TAKEN MY LAPTOP TO KATES PLACE DURING THE DAY TO CHARGE AND I HAD NO IDEA. SO HE WENT FOR IT, AND LEFT ME WITH HIS BROTHER, WE WERE IN THE KITCHEN BY THE FIRE. HIS BROTHER AND I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME THAT EVENING CONNECTING, I DID NOT EVEN NOTICE THAT TEE WAS NOT AROUND.
BUT WHEN HE CAME BACK, IT HIT ME THAT HE HAD BEEN GONE FOR A LONG TIME, SO I SUDDENLY GOT MAD AT HIM, I STARTED THINKING THAT HE WAS WITH KATE DOING WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER.
FROM MY OBSERVATIONS THE PREVIOUS DAY, KATE ACTUALLY LIKED TEE A LOT, I COULD TELL, SHE ALWAYS HANG AROUND HIM, ALWAYS TOUCHING HIM AND SHE WOULD SIT WHERE TEE SAT. IT BOTHERED ME OF COURSE BUT I TRIED TO MAINTAIN MY EMOTIONS.  TEE TRIED TALKING TO ME BUT I JUST IGNORED HIM, I DONT KNOW WHERE THE ANGER CAME FROM ALL OF A SUDDEN, SO HE GAVE ME THE LAPTOP AND HE WENT TO BED. HIS BROTHER AND I OPENED A MOVIE TO WATCH BUT AFTER FIVE MINUTES INTO IT, I MISSED TEE AND DECIDED TO GO JOIN HIM IN BED. SO I BID HIS BROTHER GOODNIGHT.
WHEN I GOT TO BED I HELD HIM AND HE MOVED CLOSER TO ME, PUT HIS ARMS AROUND ME AND WE SLEPT. JUST SLEPT, THERE WAS NO SEX THAT NIGHT.

SILENT NIGHT

ANOTHER DAY WAS OVER AND CAME A NEW DAY.  THE FOLLOWING DAY WE COMPLETED THE WORK IN THE FIELD AND CLEANED UP HOME. TEES BROTHER HAD SOME ERRANDS TO RAN, SO IT WAS JUST TEE AND I. NIGHT CAME PRETTY FAST. SINCE AT TEES HOME THERE WAS NO ELECTRICITY HE TOLD ME TO ACCOMPANY HIM TO KATES HOME SO THAT I WOULD CHARGE MY LAPTOP THERE. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO MEET THIS KATE BUT I WAS ALSO CURIOUS SO WE WENT.
THEY HAD A PRETTY NICE HOME, WELL TAKEN CARE OF. WE MET KATE JUST OUTSIDE THE COMPOUND AND SHE WAS PREGNANT, TEE INTRODUCED ME AS HIS COUSIN AND I SAID HI TO HER SHE MADE A JOKE THAT TEE WAS THE FATHER OF HER CHILD AND HE RAN AWAY ONCE HE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT. EVERYONE LAUGHED APART FROM ME. I DIDNT FIND IT FUNNY AND I HATED HER AT FIRST SIGHT. SHE WAS SO JUMPY AND TALKATIVE, I FOUND HER UNBEARABLE. SO TEE WENT AHEAD TO CHARGE THE LAPTOP SINCE HE KNEW HIS WAY AROUND THE HOUSE AND HE WAS WELCOME ANYTIME.
HE HAD PROMISED ME THAT I WOULD HAVE A GOOD TIME, BECAUSE GRANDPA WAS AROUND AND HE GAVE THE BEST STORIES, ABOUT THE PAST. I LOVED OLD PEOPLES STORIES. I WAS NO LONGER IN THE MOOD ONCE WE GOT THERE. MY MOODS JUST SHIFTED AND I STAYED SILENT, THE WHOLE TIME WE SPENT THERE, LIKE I LITERALLY DID NOT UTTER A SINGLE WORD NOT EVEN A SMILE OR A LAUGH. AND WE WERE THERE FOR ONE AND A HALF HOURS. EVERYONE CHATTED AWAY AND THEY WERE ALL LAUGHING, FROM MY OBSERVATIONS THEY REALLY LIKED TEE, BUT I WAS NOT SURPRISED, EVERYONE LIKED HIM, HE WAS A FRIENDLY PERSON. TEE TRIED TO MAKE ME TALK BY SUBTLE CONVERSATION, I HAD TO ANSWER WHERE I AM FROM AND HOW TEE AND I WERE RELATED. BUT APART FROM THAT, I DID NOT TALK. GRANDPA TRIED MAKING A CONVERSATION WITH ME BUT I COULD NOT HAVE IT SO HE SOON  JUST GAVE UP.
IT WAS TIME FOR US TO GO, WE BID THEM GOODBYE AND LEFT, THE AIR HAD A CALMNESS TO IT, THE STARS WERE BRIGHT AND IT WAS A BEAUTIFULL SILENT NIGHT.
"BABE ARE YOU OKAY?" TEE ASKED ME
"YES AM OKAY" I KNEW HE WOULD ASK THAT BECAUSE OF HOW SILENT I WAS
"ARE YOU SURE BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN SO QUIET EVER SINCE WE GOT TO KATES PLACE"
"BABE I'M JUST QUIET THERE IS NOTHING WRONG REALLY" I KNEW HE WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP SOON
"I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE THEM BUT THAT IS JUST WHO THEY ARE, TRY AND BEAR WITH THEM."
"IT'S OKAY I UNDERSTAND AND I HATE THAT KATE" HE SMILED
"I KNEW IT"
"DID YOU WANT ME TO LOVE HER?"
"I WOULD HAVE BEEN HURT IF YOU LIKED HER"
SO WE LAUGHED
"BABE CAN WE NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS, ITS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, THE STARS ARE SHINING, THE MOON IS OUT, WE ARE IN THE COUNTRY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS," I TOLD HIM, HE PULLED ME CLOSER TO HIM AND TOLD ME
"NO, I DONT, WHY DONT YOU TELL ME"
SO I KISSED HIM AND WE KISSED FOR A WHILE
"NOW WE HAVE TO GET BACK HOME IT'S LATE," I TOLD HIM AFTER PULLING MYSELF AWAY
"SERIOUSLY, YOU JUST SAID ITS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, WHY CAN'T WE STAY HERE A LITTLE BIT LONGER?"
"WE WOULD IF THERE WAS A BED," I TOLD HIM
"WELL THERE IS A TREE THAT SHOULD COUNT FOR SOMETHING" HAHAHA VERY FUNNY, WE LAUGHED AND WALKED BACK HOME. IT WAS A SILENT NIGHT.

COUNTRY WEED

MY MOODS CAME AND WENT, THEY WERE LIKE THE WIND, THIS TIME THEY ARE BLOWING NEXT TIME THEY ARE NON EXISTING. AM A VERY IMPULSIVE PERSON, I TRY SO HARD NOT TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT AM FEELING BUT I FAIL MOST OF THE TIMES.
TEE CAME TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG.
"HEY BABE ARE YOU OKAY, YOU JUST LEFT WITHOUT A WORD"
"I'M FINE "
"ARE YOU SURE COZ YOU DONT LOOK FINE" I DONT KNOW WHY, BUT I WAS REALLY GETTING IRRITATED WITH ALL HIS QUESTIONS
"YES I'M SURE, WHY DONT YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND"
"I'M DOING THAT RIGHT NOW" I GAVE HIM A HARD STARE THAT SAID, OH YOU THINK YOU ARE FUNNY
"C'MON BABE, SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND THAT IS MAY SHE IS KATE'S SISTER, YOU KNOW THE GIRL I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT"
"YEAH RIGHT, THAT IS WHY YOU WERE LAUGHING SO HARD TOGETHER WHILE SHE STROKED YOUR ARM"
"DONT TELL ME YOU'RE JEALOUS,  DID YOU EVEN SEE HER PROPERLY?"
"I SAW ENOUGH AND AM NOT JEALOUS"
"YOU WILL MEET HER LATER WHEN WE GO OVER TO THEIR PLACE AND YOU WILL SEE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE"
"FINE"
"NOW PLEASE SMILE, DONT MAKE ME FEEL MISERABLE" SO HE KISSED ME AND I SMILED.
IT SEEMED EVERYWHERE WE WENT, TEE KNEW SOMEONE WHO SMOKED WEED OR SOLD WEED. SO HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOME WEED AND I WAS LIKE IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION OF COURSE I WANT TO SMOKE.
SO WE WENT OVER TO HIS FRIENDS PLACE AND HE GAVE US SOME WEED, WE CAME BACK TO THE FARM AND CLIMBED THIS TREE, WE SAT THERE AND HE LIT UP THE JOINT AND WE SMOKED WHILE TALKING AND LISTENING TO MUSIC, LIFE WAS SWEET WHEN SMOKING WEED, IT WAS A LOVELY AFTERNOON.

FIELD

IT WAS A LOVELY NIGHT, AN UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT. COME MORNING, THAT PLACE WAS REALLY COLD. WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS ALONE. TEE WOKE UP EARLY TO GO MILK THE COW AND HIS BROTHER WAS IN THE KITCHEN PREPARING BREAKFAST.
I DECIDED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION AND SLEEP SOME MORE. NO ONE WAS GOING TO SCREAM AT ME TO WAKE UP LIKE MY MUM USUALLY DID.
I COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD SOME PEACEFULL SLEEP. WHEN BREAKFAST WAS READY, TEE CAME TO WAKE ME UP SO THAT I COULD JOIN THEM, IT WAS JUST THE THREE OF US. AFTER BREAKFAST I DID SOME CLEANING AROUND THE COMPOUND. IT WAS EVIDENT THAT NO ONE HAD TAKEN CARE OF THE HOME FOR A WHILE.
WHEN I WAS DONE I WAS SATISFIED WITH MY WORK. THE PLACE REALLY LOOKED BEAUTIFUL. WE HAD TO GO TO THE FIELD TO CLEAR IT OUT, I MEAN TEE AND HIS BROTHER HAD TO, BUT I JOINED THEM, I DIDN'T WANT TO STAY ALL ALONE IN THE COMPOUND. PLUS IT WAS A CHANCE FOR SOME ADVENTURE. AS WE WERE CLEARING THE FIELD WHILE TALKING, NEIGHBOURS PASSED BY AND SAID HELLO TO TEE AND HIS BROTHER, OF COURSE, THEY ASKED WHO I WAS, SO TEE INTRODUCED ME AS HIS COUSIN, I DIDN'T MIND I KNEW WHY HE DID THAT.
THEN THERE WAS THIS GIRL SHE WAS REALLY INTO TEE AND I HAD HEARD ONLY STORIES ABOUT HER FROM TEE AND HIS BROTHER, HER SISTER CAME BY AND MY HEART JUST TURNED BLACK, I COULDN'T EVEN WORK ANYMORE. IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS ACTUALLY  JEALOUS, I WATCHED TEE AND THE GIRL FROM AFAR AS THEY TALKED AND LAUGHED AND EVERY LAUGHTER JUST STABBED MY SOUL. TEE CALLED ME SO THAT HE COULD INTRODUCE ME AND I PRETENDED NOT TO HEAR HIM AND WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE.
I KNEW HE WOULD FOLLOW ME TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS WRONG. I COULDNT JUST ADMIT TO HIM THAT I WAS JEALOUS.

HOLIDAY SEX

WE SAID HI TO A FEW PEOPLE ON THE WAY WHO RECOGNISED TEE. WE FINALLY GOT TO THEIR HOME. IT WAS QUITE A BIG FARM, SURROUNDED BY TREES, NO ONE LIVED THERE AT THE MOMENT AND THEY HAD A COW AND TWO CATS, A BLACK AND A GREY ONE. THE BLACK ONE THEY CALLED IT NINJA AND THE GREY ONE CUTIE. I COULD SEE WHY THEY CALLED THE BLACK ONE NINJA, IT DISAPPEARED AND APPEARED MIRACULOUSLY, IT WAS VERY SNEAKY. CUTIE WAS VERY SHY I THINK, I RARELY SAW HER.
THE FIRST THING TEE DID WHEN WE GOT TO THEIR HOME WAS HAVE SEX WITH ME ON THE COUCH. I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX BUT I DID NOT SAY NO EITHER, I DONT KNOW WHY. ANYWAY AFTERWARD WE WENT TO THE LOCAL SHOP TO BUY SOME THINGS FOR SUPPER.
WHEN WE GOT BACK AND I WAS RESTING ON THE COUCH, NINJA JUST APPEARED FROM NOWHERE AND SCARED THE LIFE OUT OF ME. MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT. AND THEN AFTERWARDS HE WAS NICE TO ME, HE KEPT COMING WHERE I WAS AND SNUGGLING BESIDE ME, IT WAS LOVELY HE WOULDNT STAY AWAY FROM ME.
TEE TOLD ME THAT CATS DONT LIKE WICKED PEOPLE, SO THE FACT THAT NINJA LIKED ME MEANT I WAS A NICE PERSON WITH A PURE HEART. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE, I DID HAVE A PURE HEART. AROUND 6 PM TEE WENT TO MILK THE COW AND I ACCOMPANIED HIM, I TOLD HIM TO LET ME GIVE IT A TRY AND HE DID, BUT THEN I COULDN'T SEEM TO DO IT RIGHT SO I JUST GAVE UP AND GAVE HIM THE STOOL SO THAT HE WOULD CONTINUE. I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT HAVING FRESH MILK. IT HAD BEEN AGES SINCE I HAD FRESH MILK, I DRANK LIKE THREE GLASSES.
WE SAT AROUND THE FIRE AND TALKED AND TALKED AND LAUGHED. I HAD REALLY FORGOTTEN A LOT ABOUT THE COUNTRY DESPITE THE FACT THAT I WAS RAISED IN THE COUNTRY BY MY GRANDFATHER BUT LEFT WHEN I WAS STILL YOUNG TO GO LIVE WITH MY MUM AND DAD IN THE CITY. TEE REALLY ENJOYED TELLING ME THAT "BABE YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT THAT WAY, IT'S DONE THIS WAY" I HATED IT. HIM CORRECTING ME AND HE KNEW THAT HE JUST LOVED SEEING MY FACE TURN RED. THE FACT THAT I KNEW HOW TO DO THOSE THINGS MORE THAN FIFTEEN YEARS AGO MADE ME MORE MAD. I REALISED THAT THE CITY CAN REALLY CHANGE YOU A LOT. ALL IN ALL, WE HAD A GOOD TIME.
HIS BROTHER CAME AND JOINED US, WE WENT ON TALKING, COOKED SUPPER AND HANG OUT ON THE GARDEN. IT WAS A FULL MOON, THE STARS WERE SO BRIGHT AND THE QUIET AND PEACE. THE ONLY THING YOU HEARD WAS THE TREES AS THEY WERE BLOWN BY THE WIND AND SEEING SO MANY STARS THAT STRETCHED TO THE END OF UNKNOWN. IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
FINALLY, WE WENT TO SLEEP, I SLEPT WITH TEE AND IT WAS A COLD NIGHT BUT LUCKILY I HAD HIM TO KEEP ME WARM, SO WE WENT AHEAD AND HAD SOME AMAZING SEX, I WILL ADMIT IT FELT WEIRD WITH HIS BROTHER SLEEPING IN THE NEXT ROOM THOUGH WE HAD LIKE TWO ROOMS BETWEEN US. BUT ONCE WE GOT INTO IT I FORGOT ABOUT HIM.
I DOZED OFF LIKE A BABY, WITH MY SOUL PEACEFUL AND NOTHING BUT CONTENTMENT AND HAPPINESS.

HOLIDAY

TEES MUM BOUGHT ME SOME PAINKILLERS FOR THE STOMACH PAIN BUT THEY DID NOT WORK. SO AFTER A SHORT WHILE, I BID THEM GOODBYE AND TEE AND I TOOK A MOTORCYCLE TO TOWN. ONCE IN TOWN, THERE WAS THIS WATERFALL AND THERE WAS A PARK. TEE WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE WATERFALL BUT THE WAY I FELT I JUST WANTED TO LIE DOWN. I TOLD HIM WE SHOULD GO TO THE PARK INSTEAD SO THAT I CAN LIE DOWN.
WE DID AND WE SPENT HOURS TALKING AND LAUGHING, TO ME HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON I SAW, I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE TOO, ONLY TO TURN AROUND AND FIND PEOPLE STARING AT US. THE PAIN FINALLY SUBSIDED AND IT WAS TIME TO GO HOME OR RATHER HOME TO TEES PLACE. WE TOOK A BUS AND ALIGHTED AT THEIR STAGE.
FROM THE STAGE TO TEES PLACE IT WAS ABOUT 3KM, TEE WANTED US TO TAKE A MOTORCYCLE AGAIN BUT I WANTED TO WALK. I LOVE WALKING IT CLEARS MY MIND. PLUS HIS HOME AREA WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL SO MANY TALL TREES AND BREATHTAKING VIEWS, VERY GREEN AND VERY PEACEFULL.
TEE ASKED ME IF I WAS SURE I WANTED TO WALK SINCE IT WAS QUITE FAR AND I TOLD HIM YES. WE WENT AHEAD AND WALKED. THE PLACE WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, I FELT LIKE I WAS BORN AGAIN OR SEEING THE WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME. IT WAS COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED BY URBANISATION. REMINDED ME OF MY CHILDHOOD.
AS WE WENT HOME TEE KEPT ME ENTERTAINED TELLING ME ALL THESE STORIES ABOUT THE PLACE AND WE STOPPED ONCE IN A WHILE SO THAT HE COULD SHOW ME SOMETHING. THE JOURNEY WAS SPECTACULAR.

DAUGHTER

FINALLY, THE JOURNEY CAME TO AN END. IT TURNS OUT TEES MUM DID NOT LIVE THAT FAR FROM THE STAGE. I WAS SO NERVOUS BUT TEE WAS RIGHT. HIS MUM WAS SO WELCOMING AND TALKATIVE. I ACTUALLY DIDNT HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING. JUST LISTEN. TEE INTRODUCED ME AS HIS FRIEND. I DIDN'T MIND, I WOULD HAVE BEEN MAD IF HE HAD INTRODUCED ME AS HIS GIRLFRIEND.
WE WERE FOUR OF US, TEE, HIS YOUNGER BROTHER, HIS MUM AND I. WE HAD A GOOD TIME TALKING AND DRINKING SOME TEA AS THE FOOD GOT READY. TEE AND HIS BROTHER LEFT AND I WAS LEFT ALONE WITH HIS MUM. SO HIS MUM WENT AHEAD TO TELL ME STORIES OF HER TWO BOYS AND SHE LOVED THEM DEARLY, WE HAD A GOOD CHAT, GIRL TO GIRL. IT WAS BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.
TEE AND HIS BROTHER CAME BACK AND WE HAD LUNCH WHILE TALKING AND LOTS OF LAUGHING. SUDDENLY MY STOMACH JUST BEGAN ACHING OUT OF THE BLUES. THE PAIN WAS SO INTENSE, I LEFT THEM IN THE HOUSE AND WENT TO LIE ON THE GRASS UNDER A TREE. I KNOW ITS A COINCIDENCE THAT EVERYWHERE I GO THERE ARE ALWAYS TREES AROUND. NATURE LOVES ME AND SO DO I.
WHEN THE PAIN SUBSIDED A BIT, I WENT BACK TO THE HOUSE AND TOLD THEM THAT I HAD TO LEAVE, GO BACK HOME. ACTUALLY, THE PLAN WAS, I WAS GOING TO STAY WITH TEE AT HIS PLACE WHICH WAS A COUPLE OF KILOMETERS FROM HIS MUMS HOME, BUT HIS MUM DIDNT KNOW THAT. SHE KNEW I WAS GOING HOME. THE PAIN CAME BACK AND THIS TIME MORE INTENSE, I REALLY NEEDED TO LIE DOWN ANYWHERE, I WENT BACK OUTSIDE UNDER THE TREE. SO TEE CAME AND ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG AND I TOLD HIM.
HE WENT BACK INSIDE AND TOLD HIS MUM THAT I WAS GETTING LATE AND I HAD TO LEAVE, HIS MUM DID NOT OBJECT, SHE WENT AROUND INTRODUCING ME AS HER DAUGHTER, IT WAS ALRIGHT, I DID NOT MIND IT. TEE AND HIS BROTHER THOUGHT I WAS PRETENDING ABOUT THE STOMACH ACHE SO THAT I COULD LEAVE AND I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE PLAN WE HAD MADE.

NEW YEAR

THE DAYS WENT BY SO QUICKLY. CHRISTMAS WAS OVER AND ANOTHER YEAR WAS HERE. I DID NOT SEE ANY POINT IN CELEBRATING NEW YEARS. I MEAN TO ME; EVERY DAY WAS A NEW YEAR. EVERYDAY WAS WORTH A CELEBRATION. BUT MAJORITY ALWAYS WINS. SOMETIMES I JUST LOOK AT THE THINGS PEOPLE DO AND I CAN’T DEAL. ANYWAY, I WAS TO GO TO TEES HOME ON THE 1ST BUT I ENDED UP GOING ON THE THIRD. MY MUM WAS LIKE NO YOU CAN’T GO BACK TO SCHOOL YET ITS A NEW YEAR FOR HEAVENS SAKE.

YES, I TOLD HER THAT I WAS GOING TO SCHOOL, COZ SHE WOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN WELL TO ME GOING TO A GUYS HOME. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO TELL AN AFRICAN PARENT YOU ARE DATING. THEY WILL BEAT THE SENSE OUT OF YOU. AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE DONE WITH SCHOOL THEY WILL BE LIKE, WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED? DO YOU WANT TO DIE OLD ALONE? WE NEED GRANDCHILDREN. TO THEM EDUCATION COMES FIRST.

SO, I STAYED AND WENT TO TEES ON THE 3RD, BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAD NEVER BEEN TO THAT SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. THE WEATHER, THE HORSES, THE NATURE IT WAS LIKE SEEING THE WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME. THIS TOWN WAS ACTUALLY THE MOST LOVED BY THE COLONIZERS AND IT WAS WHERE THE UPRISING BEGAN. 

IT WAS RELIVING HISTORY. SO, WHEN I GOT TO THE TOWN, I CALLED HIM AND HE TOLD ME TO TAKE A MOTORBIKE AND GUIDED ME ON WHERE I SHOULD FIND HIM. IN MY COUNTRY IF YOU ARE TRAVELLING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A NEW PLACE, YOU ARE GOING TO PAY MORE THAN IS NECESSARY, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CHARGED. SO YES, I OVERPAID THE MOTORCYCLIST.

I KNEW HE HAD OVERCHARGED ME COZ WE DID NOT TAKE TOO LONG TO REACH WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET TEE BUT I WAS FEELING GENEROUS AND I HAD MONEY AND I WAS IN A GOOD MOOD TO START AN ARGUMENT.

 TEE WAS ALREADY THERE WAITING FOR ME, HE LOOKED DARKER THAN I REMEMBERED. AND HIS HAIR, IT SEEMED LIKE HE HAD NOT HAD A SHAVE IN A YEAR. OF COURSE, I HAD TO COMMENT ON ALL MY OBSERVATIONS WHEN I SAW HIM AND HE RETALIATED BY SAYING SOMETHING NICE ABOUT ME AND I WAS LIKE, WELL PLAYED MR. MAN.

I HAVE NEVER LIKED PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION AND TEE NEW THAT BUT HE WENT AHEAD AND GAVE ME A BRIEF KISS, I WAS SO EMBARRASSED, I MEAN THIS WAS THE COUNTRY, THE PEOPLE HERE WERE VERY RESERVED AND THEY STILL MAINTAINED THEIR CULTURE.

"BEFORE WE GO, I SHOULD WARN YOU THAT YOU WILL BE MEETING MY MUM " I WAS LIKE WHAT?

"NO NO NO, I CAN’T DO THAT, WHAT I AM I GOING TO TELL HER " I HAD NEVER MET TEES MUM, BUT I HAD MET HIS DAD A COUPLE OF TIMES, HIS DAD WAS ACTUALLY VERY FRIENDLY.

"YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, SHE IS COOL AND SHE WILL DO MOST OF THE TALKING "

"I HOPE SO " I WAS ALREADY HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL BE DONE WITH IT, PLUS I PLANNED STAYING IN HER SONS LIFE FOR A LONG TIME, SO THE EARLIER WE MET THE BETTER.

SO, WE WENT AS I REALLY ENJOYED THE PLACE, HE TOLD ME A FEW THINGS ABOUT THE PLACE AND I KEPT HOPING THAT THE JOURNEY WOULD BE LONGER BEFORE WE GOT TO HIS MUMS PLACE.

CONFESSION

ALL THIS HAPPENED WHEN I WAS IN MY THIRD YEAR. I HAD STOPPED CARING ABOUT SCHOOL, LOVE AND WEED TOOK UP ALL MY TIME. I STILL WENT TO LECTURES THOUGH NOT ALL OF THEM. MADE SURE I DID ALL MY CATS AND EXAMS. I JUST LOOKED FORWARD TO THE DAY I WILL BE DONE WITH SCHOOL. MY MUM HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME, LIKE ME PURSUING MY MASTERS AND PHD, WELL THOSE WERE HER PLANS, I HAD MY PLANS.
THE YEAR ENDED SO FAST, I BARELY HAD TIME TO CATCH A BREATH. FORTUNATELY I DID NOT FAIL ANY UNIT IN MY THIRD YEAR BUT I GOT RELATIVELY LOW GRADES. THE FOLLOWING YEAR I WAS TO GO FOR AN ATTACHMENT FOR THREE MONTHS THEN BEGIN MY FOURTH AND FINAL YEAR. I WAS NOT WORRIED ABOUT ATTACHMENT I WAS REALLY GOOD AT PRACTICAL WORK. THEORY WAS MY BOREDOM. THE DIFFICULT PART WAS GETTING AN ATTACHMENT, BUT THAT TOO I WAS NOT WORRIED ABOUT, I COULD BE CHARMING IF I WANTED TO AND GET ANYTHING I WANT.
I WAS COPING BETTER THAN I EXPECTED BUT I KNEW THE FEELINGS WOULD CATCH UP WITH ME SOONER. WEED WAS NOW MY BEST FRIEND, I SMOKED EVERY SINGLE DAY AND THE DAYS I DID NOT SMOKE WAS BECAUSE I WAS TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF BED. SEMESTER WAS DONE AND IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO BACK HOME. ANOTHER CHRISTMAS WITHOUT TEE. I COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT TWO YEARS WERE OVER SINCE I FIRST MET HIM AND WHO KNEW IN TWO YEARS TIME I WOULD BE HERE. BUT, TRUST LOVE TO GIVE YOU A ROLLER COASTER.
IT WAS NOW TIME TO GO HOME, TEE AND I SAID OUR GOODBYES AND WELL I WASN'T EXACTLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING TIME WITH MY FAMILY, BUT I LOVED THAT I WOULD CHANGE MY ENVIRONMENT AND BE AWAY FROM TEE. I NEEDED TIME AWAY FROM HIM. I GOT HOME AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE. I DECIDED BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS I WOULD CONFESS MY SINS, WHAT I HAD DONE TO MY TWO BABIES.
SO I WENT TO CHURCH AND REALLY FOUGHT WITH THE DECISION FOR ALMOST FIVE HOURS, FINALLY I DECIDED TO GO SEE THE PRIEST AND GET IT OVER WITH, I MEAN WHATS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN.
THE PRIEST KEPT SAYING THAT I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE CATHOLICS BUT ARE REFUSING TO GO FOR CONFESSION, SO BEFORE THE DAY IS OVER MAKE SURE YOU DO. I GATHERED UP MY COURAGE AND WENT, I DECIDED I WOULD START WITH THE ABORTION AND MOVE ON TWO OTHER SINS, BUT I KNEW AS SOON AS I MENTIONED THE ABORTIONS, THE PRIEST WOULD NOT HEAR ANYTHING ELSE I HAD TO SAY.
I DID, AND AS I GUESSED I WAS CORRECT, ANYWAY HE GAVE ME SOME ADVICE AND WE TALKED A BIT AND SOME PRAYERS. AS SOON AS WE WERE DONE IT BEGAN TO RAIN. IT WAS LIKE HEAVENS WERE WAITING FOR ME TO WASH MY SINS AWAY. IT FELT GOOD. BUT DEEP DOWN,  I KNEW  I HAD NOT FORGIVEN MYSELF.
CHRISTMAS CAME AND I JUST STAYED AT HOME. I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN GOING OUT AND I MISSED TEE LIKE CRAZY, HE INVITED ME NEW YEARS AT THEIR HOME AND I DECIDED I WOULD GO. I HAD NEVER BEEN TO THEIR HOME COUNTRY AND I NEEDED TO GO TO A NEW PLACE, TRAVELLING JUST CLEARED MY THOUGHTS. LIFE HAD NEW PLANS FOR ME, COME THE FOLLOWING YEAR. I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH WAS WAITING FOR ME.

NEW CHAPTER

AFTER HAVING BREAKFAST, THAT IS DRINKING SOME TEA. I TOLD TEE THAT I FIRST NEEDED TO SMOKE SOME WEED. THERE WAS THIS PLACE, IT WAS JUST FILLED WITH TREES, VERY QUIET AND VERY PEACEFULL, IT WAS LIKE THE WEED SMOKERS LITTLE JOINT. THE OWNERS OF THAT LAND, PLANTED AND SOLD TREES AND WELL SOME WEED. SO I TOLD TEE WE SHOULD GO THERE, ACTUALLY THE PLACE WAS CALLED THE ENVIRONMENT. I KNOW.
TEE BEING ALL COCKY OR CONCERNED I GUESS TOLD ME
"BABE, I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD BE SMOKING, YOUR BODY MUST BE WEAK FROM ALL THE BLOOD YOU LOST, WE SHOULD JUST GO HOME SO THAT YOU CAN REST" I FORESAW HIM SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BUT AT THE MOMENT I DID NOT NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
"BABE THANKS FOR THE CONCERN, BUT AM FINE AND I NEED TO SMOKE BEFORE WE GO HOME, AND IF YOU DONT WANT TO TAKE ME, THEN I WILL JUST GO BY MYSELF" I KNEW HE WOULDNT LET ME GO ALONE, SO HE AGREED TO TAKE ME.
WE WENT TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS, I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT BECAUSE MY MIND WAS HAVING ITS OWN CONVERSATION.
WE GOT TO THE PLACE, WE SMOKED SOME WEED AND IT WAS NOW TIME TO GO HOME. THE DAY BEING A SUNDAY EVERYONE WAS ALL DRESSED UP COMING FROM CHURCH. CONSIDERING WHAT I WENT THROUGH THE PREVIOUS NIGHT, I HAD STOPPED CARING WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT ME. MY EYES WERE BLOODSHOT OF COURSE FROM ALL THE WEED I HAD SMOKED, BUT I DINT GIVE A DAMN, I KEPT ON WALKING, MY HEART CONTENTED.
WE GOT HOME, IT FELT SO GOOD TO BE BACK IN THAT HOUSE. TO MY SURPRISE TEE HAD ACTUALLY CLEANED UP AND PRETTY WELL TOO. TEE KISSED ME AND ONE KISS LED TO ANOTHER AND ANOTHER, I WAS NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING ANY SEX, ANYTIME SOON. SO I STOPPED HIM. HE TOLD ME
"I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING"
I ASKED HIM "WHAT ?"
"THAT I WANT TO HAVE SEX" I LAUGHED
"AND YOU DONT?"
"NOT AT THE MOMENT" I LAUGHED AGAIN AND THIS TIME HE JOINED IN THE LAUGHTER
"YOU JUST LOOK SO SEXY AND THOSE KISSES WERE JUST TO APPRECIATE YOU AND REMIND YOU THAT I AM WITH YOU"
"HOW SWEET OF YOU"
"BABE I AM SERIOUS, STOP BEING SARCASTIC"
"OKAY, THANKS BUT I NEED A SHOWER"
HE KISSED ME AGAIN AND SAID"YOU GO DO THAT, AND BY THE TIME YOU COME BACK, FOOD WILL BE READY"
"IT BETTER BE, COZ AM GOING TO WASH ALL MY SINS AWAY, SO I WILL BE IN THERE FOR A WHILE"
"MAYBE I COULD COME, HELP YOU WITH THAT"
"VERY FUNNY"
 I LEFT AND WENT TO HAVE A SHOWER, BY THE TIME I CAME BACK FOOD WAS ALMOST READY, WE ATE AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF THAT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE IS NOW CLOSED AND TODAY A NEW CHAPTER BEGINS. LET US SEE WHAT MORE SURPRISES LIFE HAS STORED FOR ME. TEE PUT ON A MOVIE AND SOMEWHERE ALONG I DOZED OFF.

SIGHT

AS I LEFT THE HOSPITAL, MY HEART WAS BROKEN INTO A ZILLION TINY PIECES. BUT I WAS GLAD THAT THAT PART OF MY LIFE WAS NOW OVER. AS I STEPPED OUT OF THE HOSPITAL GATE MY VIEW OF THE WORLD HAD CHANGED, I NOW SAW LIFE IN A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE, NOT THE SAME WAY I DID BEFORE. I LOOKED AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE GOING AROUND WITH THEIR DAILY ACTIVITIES, NO ONE CARED ABOUT WHAT I HAD DONE, NO ONE EVEN KNEW.
"BABE?" I LOOKED BACK AND STARED AT THAT HOSPITAL HARD, ESPECIALLY THE BALCONY. I LOOKED AT IT AND REMEMBERED HOW I WAS CLUTCHING MY STOMACH AND WRITHING ON THAT FLOOR LAST NIGHT DUE TO THE PAIN I FELT.
"BABE?" I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT. HOW DISGUSTED AND AFRAID I WAS.
"BABE?" I SNAPPED OUT OF MY REVERIE AND WOKE UP TO TEE CALLING ME
"YES?"
"I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU LIKE A MILLION TIMES"
"STOP EXAGGERATING BABE, I WAS JUST THINKING."
"ABOUT?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT ABOUT"
"I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT EITHER BUT FIRST YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME BREAKFAST"
"YES, AGREED, I AM STARVING" SO, WE WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND I HAD SOME TEA.
"BABE, I CAN'T STOP SEEING HIS TINY BODY AND THAT TINY FACE," I TOLD TEE
"I KNOW YOU ARE HEARTBROKEN IN WAYS I CANT IMAGINE, BUT YOU KNOW LIFE HAS TO GO ON"
"I KNOW, BUT THIS TIME IT WILL TAKE ME CENTURIES TO FORGET THAT"
"THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE IF WE HAD NOT TRIED THE FIRST TIME WE WOULD HAVE HAD HIM. BUT WHAT IF THE PILLS MESSED WITH HIS GROWTH AND ASSUMING YOU GAVE BIRTH TO HIM AND EVERY TIME HE HAD A HEALTH PROBLEM YOU WOULD WATCH HIM SUFFER AND IT WOULD REMIND YOU OF WHAT YOU DID, THAT ITS YOUR FAULT HE IS GOING THROUGH ALL THESE PROBLEMS?
COULD YOU HANDLE THAT?"
"NO"
"I KNOW IT HURTS, I FEEL BAD TOO. BUT WE WILL HAVE MORE BABIES, YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AT SOME POINT"
"I KNOW BABE, I JUST DONT KNOW HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE ME THIS TIME"
"THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT IT IS WORK IN PROGRESS, NOW, LET'S HAVE SOME BREAKFAST."
SO WE DRANK OUR TEA, TEE TRIED MAKING ME LAUGH WITH A FEW JOKES, I APPRECIATED THE EFFORT AND I DID LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. AND I GOT LOST IN MY HEAD AGAIN.

NEW DAY

I TRIED SLEEPING, ROLLING ON THE FLOOR, CLUTCHING MY STOMACH SEVERAL TIMES, BUT THE PAIN WOULDNT GO AWAY. IT CAME FOR FIVE MINUTES AND DISAPPEARED FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES, AND EVERY TIME IT CAME BACK STRONGER THAN BEFORE. THE DOCTOR HAD GIVEN ME PILLS TO INDUCE EARLY LABOUR, OF COURSE I DID NOT KNOW THAT BY THEN.
I TRIED CRYING BUT NO TEARS WOULD FALL, SO I FINALLY GOT ENOUGH OF IT, AND WENT TO LOOK FOR THE DOCTOR, SO THAT HE COULD GIVE ME SOME PAINKILLERS. I FOUND HIM HAVING SUPPER WITH ONE OF HIS ASSISTANTS AND I TOLD HIM I NEEDED SOME PAINKILLERS AND HE TOLD ME HE WOULD COME. SO I WENT BACK TO THE ROOM. I ROLLED A FEW TIMES ON THE FLOOR AS I WAITED FOR HIM. THE ROLLING STILL DID NOT WORK, I DECIDED TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO SLEEP.
I LIED ON THE BED AND WAITED FOR HIM TO COME. AS I WAS WAITING FOR HIM AND THE PAIN KEPT GETTING INTENSE, I SAW DEATH. SO I TOLD GOD, I KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE IS NOT RIGHT BUT DONT LET ME DIE IN THIS HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW, AT LEAST WAIT TILL IM OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND I PROMISE I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. BUT, YOU ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH.
THE DOCTOR FINALLY CAME AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER, HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS FOR THE PAIN BUT AS SOON AS I SWALLOWED THEM, I VOMITED EVERYTHING I HAD. SO HE DECIDED TO GIVE ME AN INJECTION. HE DID SOME EXAMINATIONS AND ASSURED ME EVERYTHING WAS FINE, HAVING PAIN WAS PART OF THE PROCESS.
HE LEFT AND I WAS ALONE AGAIN. THIS TIME I DECIDED I AM GOING TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO SLEEP. AND I DID SLEEP. WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AT AROUND SIX AM AND SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY, I WAS SO GLAD AND GRATEFULL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE THE DAY LIKE I WAS THAT DAY. AFTER A FEW MINUTES MY BABY POPPED OUT. I SAW HIM, IT WAS A HIM, I COULD DEFINITELY TELL FROM THE FEATURES. I STARTED CRYING AND FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN STRANGLED. SADDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
THE DOCTOR CAME AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED THE BABY OR IF HE SHOULD DISPOSE IT, SO I CHOSE THE LATTER. TEE WAS ALREADY IN THE HOSPITAL, SO THE DOCTOR ASKED HIM TO COME IN AND HE TOLD ME THAT AS SOON AS AM READY I GO TO HIS OFFICE SO THAT WE COULD FINISH UP ON SOME PAPERWORK.
TEE HUGGED ME AND IT FELT SO GOOD. WE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING TO EACH OTHER. AS SOON AS I WAS DRESSED, AND CHECKED IF I HAD ALL MY BELONGINGS WITH ME, WE WENT TO THE OFFICE, FINISHED UP THE PAPERWORK AND THE DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD GO BACK IF I EVER NEEDED CONTRACEPTIVES.
I EXPECTED THAT, BUT I KNEW I WAS NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT HOSPITAL EVER AGAIN.
I FORGOT "NEVER SAY NEVER"

MOMENT

AFTER TEE LEFT, I HAD SOMETHING TO EAT AND THEN I JUST LIED ON THE BED, THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE FROM AS FAR AS I COULD REMEMBER. IT'S FUNNY HOW ALL THOSE MOMENTS LED ME TO THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT TODAY.
THE PAIN BEGAN BEING A LITTLE BIT INTENSE BUT I COULD STILL TOLE IT. I DECIDED TO TAKE A WALK AROUND THE HOSPITAL AND SEE MY SURROUNDINGS. THE HOSPITAL WAS LOCATED JUST BESIDE A ROAD. OPPOSITE THE HOSPITAL THERE WAS A CLUB. AS I STOOD AT THE BALCONY, I SAW HOW PEOPLE WERE PARTYING AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES. IT TAUGHT ME THAT LIFE IS JUST THE MOMENTS WE SPEND TOGETHER.
I WENT BACK TO THE BED TO SEE IF I COULD GET SOME SLEEP, BUT I COULDNT. SO I BOUGHT SOME DATA AND STARTED BROWSING THE NET. WHENEVER I'M DOWN MY MAIN TOPIC OF INTEREST IS ASTROLOGY. I JUST LOVE IT, PLUS EVERYTIME I LEARN SOMETHING NEW.
AS I WAS BROWSING, AROUND 9PM, MY MUM CALLED ME, SHE ALWAYS CALLED ME TO ASK SOMETHING. IT WAS RARE FOR HER TO JUST CALL AND ASK HOW I WAS DOING. I PICKED UP THE CALL.
"HEY, CHI HOW ARE YOU DOING?" I THOUGHT TO MYSELF THIS IS STRANGE
"IM FINE MUM, HOW IS EVERYONE AT HOME?"
"THEY ARE ALL FINE, ARE YOU SICK?" SHE ASKED ME, I PANICKED AND THOUGHT HOW DID YOU KNOW, BUT, MOTHERS KNOW EVERYTHING.
"NO I AM NOT SICK, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?" OF COURSE, I HAD TO LIE, WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE TOLD HER.
"THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR VOICE"
"ITS BECAUSE WHEN YOU CALLED I WAS ALREADY ASLEEP."
"OOHH OKAY, ANYWAY HOW DO YOU SEND A PICTURE USING WHATSAPP?" I SMILED TO MYSELF AND THOUGHT YEAH, THAT MUST BE THE REASON WHY YOU CALLED. SO I TOLD HER AND WHEN WE WERE DONE, WE SAID OUR GOODBYES AND SHE HUNG UP.
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, IF I DIE IN THIS HOSPITAL TONIGHT, WHAT WOULD SHE SAY??
I PUSHED THAT THOUGHT TO THE FAR CORNER OF MY MIND AND FOCUSED ON THE PAIN, IT WAS NOW BECOMING UNBEARABLE. IT FELT LIKE DEATH WAS PINCHING ME SLOWLY.
I CONSIDER MYSELF A STRONG PERSON, I COULD TOLERATE ANYTHING, BUT THIS PAIN, IT WAS BECOMING UNBEARABLE.

DAY

THE DAY WAS FINALLY HERE. I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND FIRST THING I DID, WAS GET MAD FOR SLEEPING OVER, THEN I WOKE TEE UP, SO WE COULD GO HOME. MY FRIEND INSISTED THAT WE SHOULD HAVE BREAKFAST BUT I REFUSED. IN A NICE WAY OF COURSE. SO WE LEFT.
ON OUR WAY HOME I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THE PROCEDURE. I HAD HEARD SCARY STORIES ABOUT DOCTORS WHO PERFORMEABORTIONSNS AND THE MATERIALS THEY USED. I PRAYED AND HOPED THAT NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG. I KNOW ITS IRONICAL.
I WENT HOME AND SHOWERED AND HAD A GOOD SLEEP. I WOKE UP AROUND TWO IN THE AFTERNOON AD DECIDED I WOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL AROUND 5PM IN THE EVENING. SO TEE AND I TALKED AND SPENT SOME TIME TOGETHER. FINALLY, IT WAS TIME TO GO.
HE TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I NEEDED SO THAT HE COULD BUY THEM. I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS A ONE HOUR PROCEDURE, BUT HE TOLD ME I HAD TO STAY THE NIGHT. I WASNT PREPARED TO STAY BUT WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID I HAVE.
I CHANGED INTO A HOSPITAL GOWN, HE SHOWED ME MY BED AND HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS TO SWALLOW AND HE LEFT, SAID HE WOULD CHECK ON ME LATER, TO SEE IF EVERYTHING WAS GOING SMOOTHLY. I WAS GLAD THAT THERE WERE NO KNIVES BEING USED OR SHARP OBJECTS.
TIME WENT BY SO FAST. TEE WAS HOLDING MY HAND ALL THE TIME AS I LAY IN THE HOSPITAL BED. HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING AND IF IT WAS PAINFUL, I TOLD HIM I WAS FINE IT WAS NOTHING I COULD NOT HANDLE. I WAS TO FIND OUT HOW WRONG I WAS ABOUT THAT STATEMENT LATER.
WE DIDNT TALK MUCH, WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE. WHAT COULD WE SAY. BUT I COULD SEE IN HIS EYES HOW CONCERNED HE WAS, SO I KEPT ASSURING HIM THAT I WOULD BE OKAY, AND HE SAID HE KNEW THAT. SO WE JUST SAT IN SILENCE AND WE GOT LOST IN OUR OWN THOUGHTS.
AROUND 7.30PM THE DOCTOR CAME BACK, ASKED HOW I WAS FEELING AGAIN, DID SOME TESTS AND HE SAID THAT EVERYTHING SEEMS GOOD. HE TOLD TEE THAT HE COULDNT STAY HE HAD TO GO. SO HE LEFT AND I WAS LEFT ALONE. THERE WERE NO ANY OTHER PATIENTS. I WAS SCARED BUT I TOLD GOD, NOT TO LET ME DIE LIKE THAT.

DRUNK

I HATE ALCOHOL,  I FIND IT BITTER, AND I DONT LIKE BITTER THINGS AND I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW IT HELPS. ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT I WAS DETERMINED TO DRINK AND PUT ALL MY FEELINGS ABOUT ALCOHOL ASIDE. I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY AND SEE IF WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ALCOHOL WAS TRUE.
I MET TEE AT THE CLUB AND I TOLD HIM I NEEDED A DRINK. HE WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT ALCOHOL. SO HE ASKED ME IF I WAS SURE AND I TOLD HIM I WOULDN'T BE ASKING IF  I WAS NOT SURE. HE ORDERED ONE, SOME LOCAL SPIRIT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER ITS NAME.
HE WAS SO SURE I WOULDNT DRINK IT BECAUSE THERE ARE SEVERAL TIMES HE ALWAYS TOLD ME TO TRY AND EVERY TIME IT GOT CLOSER TO MY MOUTH I COULDNT DO IT. BUT TONIGHT WAS DIFFERENT, I THOUGHT IF I CAN GO AHEAD WITH AN ABORTION FOR THE SECOND TIME, SURELY I CAN MASTER THE COURAGE TO SWALLOW SOME BITTER DRINK.
SO I DID, I SWALLOWED IT IN ONE GULP AND ASKED FOR ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE. TEE WAS VERY SURPRISED, HE DIDNT BELIEVE THAT I WAS THE ONE DOING THAT. THE STRANGE THING WAS THE MORE I DRUNK THE MORE I FELT LIKE I NEEDED ANOTHER DRINK. TEE HAD TO STOP ME SO THAT WE COULD NOT BE LATE FOR THE PARTY.
I DID NOT FEEL DRUNK. I WAS NOT WALKING IN A STRAIGHT LINE OF COURSE, BUT I WAS VERY CONSCIOUS OF MY BEING. I MEAN I DIDNT FORGET ANYTHING. I THOUGHT ALCOHOL MADE YOU FORGET. IT JUST GAVE ME A FULL STOMACH AND A NAUSEATING FEELING. I KEPT WISHING I HAD SOME WEED. BECAUSE THE WEED I HAD, I HAD SMOKED ALL OF IT AND IT WAS LATE. I COULDNT GO TO MY WEED DEALER TO GET SOME.
SO WE GOT TO THE PARTY, THERE WERE VERY FEW OF US, IT WASNT A LARGE PARTY. AFTER SOME SINGING FOR  THE BIRTHDAY GIRL AND WISHING HER ALL THE BEST IN LIFE. WE HAD SOME CAKE WHILE TALKING. MY BODY STARTED REACTING TO THE ALCOHOL AND I BEGAN THROWING UP, I THINK I THREW UP AROUND TEN TIMES. PEOPLE EVEN STARTED WONDERING WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, BUT I TOLD THEM I WAS FINE, IT'S JUST THAT IT WAS MY FIRST TIME DRINKING.
WHEN MY BODY WAS DONE RELEASING ALL THE ALCOHOL I HAD DRUNK, I PASSED OUT AND SLEPT FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS PLUS. WHEN I WOKE UP PEOPLE WERE STILL TALKING WITH SOME MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. TEE ASKED ME TO DANCE WITH HIM. I DINT WANT TO BUT HE WAS VERY PERSISTENT, SO I AGREED AND WE DANCED. WE WERE THE ONLY ONES AT THE DANCE FLOOR, SO THE OTHERS FOLLOWED SUIT AND IT WAS A FUN NIGHT.
WE ENDED UP SLEEPING OVER AT THE BIRTHDAY GIRLS PLACE, THOUGH THAT WAS NOT THE INTENTION.

PARTY

THAT NIGHT TEE AND I HAD A PRETTY DEEP CONVERSATION. THE NIGHT ENDED UP BEING LOVELY. COME FRIDAY A FRIEND OF MINE HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY. INITIALLY, I HAD NO INTENTION OF ATTENDING THE PARTY BUT DUE TO THE PREGNANCY I DECIDED I HAD TO GO AND IT WOULD BE A GOOD CHANCE FOR ME TO FORGET ALL ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.
FRIDAY CAME AND THAT MORNING TEE MADE ME BREAKFAST, HE WOKE UP RATHER EARLY SINCE HE HAD TO GO TO WORK. HE HAD MISSED WORK FOR QUITE A FEW DAYS. AFTER BREAKFAST HE LEFT AND WE AGREED THAT WE WOULD MEET AT THE BIRTHDAY PARTY INSTEAD OF HIM HAVING TO COME ALL THE WAY HOME ONLY FOR US TO LEAVE TOGETHER GOING BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM.
I SPENT THE DAY WATCHING MOVIES, SMOKING WEED, AND EATING. IT WAS A LOVELY DAY. EVENING CAME AND I DRESSED UP AND LEFT THE HOUSE. I WENT TO MY WEED DEALER AND BOUGHT SOME WEED FOR MY OWN PERSONAL USE AT THE PARTY.
WE MET WITH TEE AND WE WENT TOGETHER, IT TURNED OUT THAT A FRIEND OF OURS LIVED IN THE SAME BUILDING AS MY FRIEND WHO WAS HOLDING THE PARTY. THE THING IS, THIS MUTUAL FRIEND OF OURS TEE AND I HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS PREGNANT, SO THEY COULD NOT COME TO THE PARTY AND WE HAD TO GO SAY HI. WHICH MEANT WE HAD TO LEAVE THE PARTY.
AFTER SPENDING SOME TIME WITH THEM, MAKING A LOT OF JOKES AND LAUGHING A LOT WE WENT BACK TO THE PARTY, AND WE WERE STILL THE FIRST ONES TO ARRIVE. TEE SAID HE HAD SOME THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF AND HE WOULD BE BACK LATER.SO HE LEFT.  SEEING MY FRIEND AND HOW PREGNANT SHE WAS I FELT GUILTY AGAIN ABOUT THE PROCEDURE THAT WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE FOLLOWING DAY BUT WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE, SO I ASKED MY FRIEND IF I COULD SMOKE SOME WEED IN THEIR HOUSE AND SHE SAID IT WAS OKAY, SO I LIT UP A JOINT AND ESCAPED REALITY FOR A BIT.
TEE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO MEET SOMEONE, SO I LEFT THE PARTY. MY FRIEND AND HER TWO GIRLS WERE COOKING. THE PARTY HAD NOT YET BEGAN. TEE WAS IN A CLUB. I AM NOT A FAN OF ALCOHOL BUT THAT NIGHT I SWORE I WAS GOING TO DRINK TILL I FORGOT MY NAME.

HOME

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE TEE, EVERY TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM I JUST REMEMBERED ALL THE BAD THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED IN MY LIFE SINCE I MET HIM. THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD TIMES BUT AT THE MOMENT THE BAD OVERCAME THE GOOD.
I GOT TO THE HOUSE AND IT WAS SPARKLING CLEAN, I MEAN TEE HAD CLEANED UP, HE USUALLY DID THAT WHEN HE THOUGHT HE HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND I WAS MAD AT HIM. HE KNEW A CLEAN AND ORGANIZED HOUSE WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY.
I WASN'T HAPPY BUT I WAS GLAD. HE WASN'T AT THE HOUSE, HE WAS STILL AT THE NEIGHBOURS'. I JUST SAT ON THE BED AND CLOSED MY EYES FOR A MOMENT WHICH TURNED INTO HOURS ONLY TO WAKE UP AT 11P.M. TEE HAD ALREADY COOKED SUPPER AND WAS MAKING A MIXTAPE WITH THE LAPTOP. I LOVED HIS MIXTAPES COZ HIS CHOICE OF SONGS WERE JUST OVER THE TOP.
SLEEP ALWAYS MADE EVERYTHING BETTER, MY HEAD WAS LIGHT DUE TO ALL THE WEED I HAD SMOKED AND NO FOOD AND ADD SOME DEHYDRATION TO THAT, NOT FORGETTING AM PREGNANT.
"HEY BABE" TEE KISSED ME
"HEY, COULD YOU PLEASE GET ME SOME WATER," I TOLD HIM
HE SMILED AND GOT ME WATER. I KNEW THAT SMILE. THE SMILE HE GAVE ME WHEN HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAD DONE WRONG.
"I COOKED SUPPER, DO YOU WANNA EAT NOW?"
"YEAH, I'M STARVING" I DONT KNOW WHY BUT HE NEVER ATE WITHOUT ME, HE USUALLY WOKE ME UP WHEN THE FOOD WAS READY SO THAT WE COULD EAT TOGETHER, BUT THAT NIGHT HE DIDN'T WAKE ME UP.
WE ATE IN SILENCE LISTENING TO SOME MUSIC, EVERYONE LOST IN THEIR OWN THOUGHTS. HE FED ME FOOD IN THE MIDST AND WE WOULD LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE.
WHEN WE WERE DONE EATING HE ASKED ME
"BABE, DID YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL?"
"YES"
"WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME, I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU WERE READY YOU SHOULD TELL ME SO THAT WE COULD GO TOGETHER"
"I WASN'T FEELING LIKE IT, BESIDES YOU LEFT AND YO KNEW WE HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO"
"I LEFT COZ YOU WERE BEING ALL MOODY LIKE NOW"
"FINE, I WENT AND AM 18 WEEKS PREGNANT"
"THAT MEANS THAT THE PILLS DID NOT WORK"
"OBVIOUSLY"
"SO WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF DOING?"
"I TALKED TO THE DOCTOR AND HE TOLD ME THEY DO PERFORM "TERMINATIONS" THAT WAS WHAT HE CALLED IT, SO I WILL GO ON SATURDAY"
"HOW DO YOU FEEL?" HE ASKED ME
"HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? IM DYING INSIDE, OF COURSE, WHY DID MY LIFE HAVE TO TURN OUT THIS WAY AND WHY DID I HAVE TO MEET YOU."
"THAT PART ABOUT MEETING ME I AGREE, I HAVE MADE YOUR LIFE NOTHING BUT TERRIBLE, THERE ARE MANY TIMES I WISH WE NEVER MET, NOT BECAUSE I DONT LOVE YOU BUT BECAUSE YOUR LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER WITHOUT ME." I HATED WHEN HE DID THAT, AGREE WITH ME. I LOVED IT WHEN WE ARGUED. BUT I WAS IN MY WORLD AND I HATED HIM AT THE MOMENT.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW MY LIFE WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT WITHOUT YOU IN IT?"
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS WAY, THAT IS AS MUCH AS I KNOW"
"WE WILL NEVER KNOW"
"HE MUST BE A FIGHTER, A SURVIVOR IF THE PILLS DID NOT EVEN HARM HIM"
"I THOUGHT THE SAME THING TOO, BUT YOU KNOW IT COULD BE A SHE"
"IT COULD BE, BUT MOST LIKELY ITS A HE"
TEE WAS ALL I HAD TO LEAN ON AND HE UNDERSTOOD MY SITUATION. HE HUGGED  ME AND I FELT GOOD, HOW I LOVED THAT CHEST. IT WAS SO COMFY, IT FELT LIKE HOME. I FORGET HOW MUCH I HATE HIM AND I REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM.
I CRIED AGAIN, THIS TIME IT FELT LIKE I WAS UNLOADING ALL THE BAGGAGE FROM MY PAST AS FAR AS I COULD REMEMBER.

TERRIBLE

WHO AM I? A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON. THAT WAS ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT IN MY MIND. I CRIED FOR LOTS OF REASONS BUT THE ONLY REASON WAS I FELT TERRIBLE AND CRYING MADE ME FEEL BETTER. THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT RELEASING YOUR ANGER THROUGH CRYING. YOU JUST FEEL UNLOADED. IT'S LIKE A SHOWER FOR THE SOUL.
THERE ARE MANY REASONS WHY I MOVED IN WITH TEE BUT THE MAIN ONE WAS I LOVED WHERE HE LIVED. THE PLACE WAS SURROUNDED BY TREES AND HILLS AND BEAUTIFUL ROCK FORMATIONS, BASICALLY IT WAS NATURE. I LOVE NATURE KEEPS ME SANE AND AT PEACE PLUS WHEN I SMOKED WEED ON TOP OF THE HILL JUST WATCHING THE SUNSET NO ONE BOTHERED ME, I COULD BE MYSELF AND GET AWAY FROM THE NOISE OF THE TOWN.
WHEN I FELT BETTER ABOUT CRYING AND MY TEARS FINALLY STOPPED ROLLING. I WENT TO MY WEED DEALER AND BOUGHT MYSELF SOME WEED. I WENT TO THE TOP OF THE HILL, SMOKED AND JUST WATCHED THE WORLD. IT WAS SO QUIET AND PEACEFULL LIKE MY TROUBLES DID NOT MEAN ANYTHING. LIFE JUST MOVED ON. THE BIRDS CHIRPED AND KEPT ON FLYING, THE WIND SWAYED THE TREES. I REALLY NEEDED THE PEACE AND I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND.
I STAYED THERE TILL SUNSET, I IGNORED ALL OF TEES' CALLS AND PUT THE PHONE ON SILENT MODE.
I FELT TERRIBLE THAT THE ABORTION PILLS FAILED AND THAT I WAS ABOUT TO GET RID OF MY BABY THE SECOND TIME. I JUST THOUGHT "YOU KNOW MY CHILD, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, DONT HATE ME FOR DOING THIS TO YOU AGAIN. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO HAVE YOU BUT WHAT IF THE PILLS MESSED WITH YOUR GROWTH AND WHEN I GIVE BIRTH TO YOU, YOU ARE FACED WITH A LOT OF HEALTH PROBLEMS. THIS IS WHY I CANT HAVE YOU. PLEASE DONT HATE ME"
EVERY TIME I THOUGHT ABOUT THE BABY I CRIED A LITTLE MORE AND SMOKED A LITTLE MORE. I KNEW TEE WOULD BE MAD COZ I LEFT WITHOUT TELLING HIM AND DID NOT PICK HIS CALLS BUT HIS ANGER WOULD SUBSIDE ONCE I TELL HIM ABOUT THE PREGNANCY.
FINALLY, IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO BACK HOME. I WAITED TILL DARKNESS MADE ITS WAY TO THE NIGHT.

TIME

THE EVENING WAS LOVELY, THERE WAS A LOT OF LAUGHTER, TEE IS SUCH A JOKER. BUT, I LOVE IT, TRUST HIM TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS UP WHEN YOU ARE DOWN. HE PREPARED SUPPER, WE ATE, WE SMOKED, WE DANCED AND WE LAUGHED A LOT. IT WAS A LOVELY EVENING.
I DECIDED THAT IT WAS NOW TIME TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, I CANT KEEP DELAYING MATTERS AND WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT BE SERIOUS THAN I THINK. I DECIDED TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL ON A TUESDAY, I DID NOT HAVE A CLASS THAT DAY AND IT JUST FELT LIKE A TUESDAY.
TEE SAID HE WOULD ACCOMPANY ME AND THIS TIME I WAS ALL ON BOARD. TUESDAY CAME AND HERE WE WERE, I WAS TO GO IN THE AFTERNOON AT AROUND 2PM AFTER I HAD LUNCH SO THAT IF THE NEWS WAS BAD I WOULD HAVE SOME ENERGY TO STRESS ABOUT IT.
BUT THEN THAT DAY I HAD ONE OF MY MOODS AND NOTHING TEE DID THAT WAS OKAY, I JUST KEPT GETTING MAD AT HIM I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO HEAR HIS VOICE, HE GOT TIRED OF MY MOOD SWINGS AND TOLD ME THAT HE WILL BE AT THE NEIGHBOURS, WHEN I WAS READY TO LIVE I SHOULD GO GET HIM. I TOLD HIM OKAY.
WHEN I WAS DONE SHOWERING AND DRESSED UP, MY MOODS GOT THE BETTER OF ME AND DECIDED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT HIM, I JUST LEFT AND DIDNT EVEN SAY A WORD.
I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL AND BOY WAS I NERVOUS ALL OF A SUDDEN. LUCKY ME THERE WAS NO QUEUE SO I JUST WENT AHEAD TO THE DOCTORS'.
"HI, I HAVE COME FOR A PREGNANCY TEST"
"OKAY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU HAD YOUR LAST PERIODS?"
"NO"
"NO PROBLEM, THE TEST WILL TELL US HOW OLD THE PREGNANCY IS, IF YOU ARE PREGNANT"
HE EXAMINED ME AND I WAS PREGNANT, 18 WEEKS PREGNANT AND I WAS LIKE WHAT??!!. MY HEAD BEGAN SPINNING RIGHT AWAY.
"YOU WILL HAVE THE BABY SOMETIME..." I CUT HIM SHORT BEFORE HE FINISHED THE SENTENCE
"DO YOU PERFORM ABORTIONS?" HE WAS SHOCKED, BUT I COULD CARE LESS WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT ME
"YES WE DO"
"HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?" I ASKED HIM AND HE GAVE ME A FIGURE. I TOLD HIM OKAY.
"SHALL WE DO THIS NOW?" HE ASKED ME
"NO, I HAD NOT CARRIED ANY MONEY WITH ME, BUT I WILL COME LATER"
"OKAY I WILL BE WAITING"
I PAID HIM CONSULTATION FEE AND LEFT.
AS I WAS WALKING HOME, MY TEARS JUST FELL, I JUST CRIED AND WALKED, I COULD NOT RESIST THE TEARS, THE EMOTIONS,  THE FEELINGS.
PEOPLE STARED AT ME AND THEY WERE THE LEAST OF MY CONCERNS, WHATEVER THEY THOUGHT WAS WRONG WITH ME, TO MAKE ME WALK WHILE CRYING. THAT WAS THEIR PROBLEM.

SUPPORT

TEE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE. HE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF IN A MAN, APART FROM A FEW SETBACKS. BUT, HEY NOBODY IS PERFECT IT IS NOT LIKE I WAS THE BEST GIRLFRIEND. BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP DID ALRIGHT.
FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS HE DID NOT ALLOW ME TO LIFT A FINGER IN CASE SUCH AN ATTACK HAPPENED AGAIN. HE ALSO INSISTED THAT WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT I REFUSED, I GUESS ITS CAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT THEY WERE GONNA TELL ME AND I HATE HOSPITALS AND THEY NEVER ALWAYS DELIVER GOOD NEWS.
THE WEEK WENT BY, AND I DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR THE PREGNANCY TEST AGAIN. SO I WENT AND BOUGHT THE KIT AND WENT BACK HOME. DEEP DOWN I KNEW WHAT THE RESULT WOULD BE BUT I JUST HOPED MY THINKING WAS WRONG. TEE WAS WITH ME OF COURSE, HE WOULD NOT LET ME BE ALONE.
I TOOK THE TEST AND WAITED, MOST EXCRUCIATING THIRTY MINUTES OF MY LIFE. I CHECKED THE RESULT AND THIS TIME IT WAS A VERY STRONG POSITIVE. IT FELT LIKE A HEART ATTACK, DESPITE MY HAVING KNOWING THE TRUTH THE REALITY WAS STILL A PAIN TO SWALLOW.
"IT'S POSITIVE, AGAIN," I TOLD TEE
"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" HE ASKED ME
"IT MEANS I AM PREGNANT"
"I KNOW THAT, WHAT AM ASKING IS HOW? WE HAVENT HAD SEX SINCE..."
HE COULDNT BRING HIMSELF TO SAY THE WORD
"ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING?" I ASKED HIM
"BABE PLEASE RELAX, I THINK YOU ARE IN SHOCK. STOP JUMPING INTO CONCLUSIONS"
"OKAY FINE, I NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW"
"I AM NOT LEAVING YOU LIKE THIS"
"PLEASE BABE, I JUST NEED A MOMENT"
"I WILL GO GET US SOME SUPPER, IS THAT A MOMENT ENOUGH?"
"YES IT IS"
"IN CASE OF ANYTHING JUST CALL ME. DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?"
"SOME FRUITS"
"I'M LEAVING AND TRY TO RELAX, DONT THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT"
"OKAY, NOW PLEASE LEAVE"
HE GAVE ME A KISS AND LEFT.
I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, I COULD NOT TELL HIM UNTIL I WAS SURE AND I WAS NOT YET READY TO FACE ANOTHER REALITY.

ATTACK

THE WEEK WENT BY SO SLOWLY, MAYBE IT WAS FAST BUT TO ME IT WAS SO SLOW. I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THE PREGNANCY AND I EVEN WENT TO LECTURERS SO AS TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE ISSUE AND YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW THE AMOUNT OF WEED THAT I SMOKED. BUT ALL IN ALL, LIFE WAS MOVING ON. THE SUN ROSE AND SET WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.
I REMEMBER THE DAY WAS ON A SATURDAY, JUST A NORMAL SUNNY, BLUE SKIES KINDA DAY. TEE AND I CLEANED UP, GENERAL CLEANING, WE WENT AND BOUGHT SOME LUNCH AND WEED TOO AND COOKED OURSELVES A VERY HEALTHY NICE MEAL OF COURSE WITH SOME FRUITS TO WASH IT ALL DOWN.
TEE ALWAYS LIKED TO JOKE ABOUT HOW THE BODY IS NEVER SATISFIED, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT TYPE OF FOOD YOU GIVE IT BUT AFTER A FEW HOURS IT WILL NEED TO BE FED AGAIN.
FOOD WAS READY AND THE AROMA WAS SO INVITING. HE SERVED, WE ALWAYS ATE FROM THE SAME PLATE. JUST ONE OF THE THINGS THAT LOVERS DO. DONT ASK ME WHY IT JUST HAPPENS. WE DID NOT HAVE A SOFA JUST THE BED. SO WE SAT ON THE BED AND PUT ON A MOVIE TO WATCH WHILE WE ATE.
AT THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE I FELT THIRSTY AND WENT TO DRINK SOME WATER. I STARTED FEELING DIZZY AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WOKE UP TO TEE SCREAMING MY NAME AND SHAKING ME. THERE WAS FEAR IN HIS EYES. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM SO AFRAID.
WHEN I OPENED MY EYES HE ASKED ME IF I WAS OKAY AND TOLD HIM YES, HE SAT ME DOWN. HE ASKED ME IF I COULD WALK AND I SAID YES. HE TOLD ME TO GET UP SO THAT WE CAN GO SEAT UNDER A TREE.
HE WAS HOLDING ME ALL THE WAY TO THE TREE AS IF I WAS INCAPABlE OF EVEN WALKING. WERE IT NOT TO MY CONSTANT REFUSAL HE WOULD HAVE CARRIED ME.
WHEN WE GOT TO THE TREE, I ASKED HIM WHAT HAPPENED COZ THE LAST THING I REMEMBERED WAS FEELING DIZZY AND HE TOLD ME THAT HE JUST HEARD MY BODY AS IT HIT THE FLOOR AND HE LAID ME ON THE BED. I WAS PASSED OUT FOR A GOOD FIVE MINUTES.
HE THOUGHT THAT I PASSED OUT COZ THE ROOM WAS TOO HOT AND THAT WAS WHY HE TOOK ME UNDER THE TREE, FOR THE BREEZE AND SOME COLD AIR. WE SAT IN SILENCE AND HE HELD ME SO CLOSE.
ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THE FEAR IN HIS EYES, MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD DIE IN HIS HOUSE OR MAYBE HE WAS AFRAID OF LOSING ME.
WHATEVER THE FEAR IN HIS EYES WAS ABOUT, I NEVER ASKED HIM. BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT LOOK.

PANIC

HELLO GUYS, SORRY I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG. BUT, THE JOURNEY CONTINUES.

AFTER THREE DAYS I DECIDED I WOULD NOT WAIT ANYMORE FOR THEM. SO, I WENT TO THE CHEMIST AND BOUGHT A PREGNANCY TEST. I WAS PANICKING ALL THE WAY, I KEPT TELLING MYSELF NO, I CANNOT BE PREGNANT BUT A SMALL VOICE, YOU KNOW THAT VOICE OF REASON INSIDE YOUR BEING, THE ONE THAT WE ALWAYS IGNORE BUT IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
THE VOICE TOLD ME THAT I WAS PREGNANT, AS USUAL, I FOUGHT WITH IT AND TOLD IT NO, I AM NOT. HOW CAN I BE, I MEAN I HAVEN'T HAD SEX SINCE... OH RIGHT. NO, IT CANNOT BE. PLEASE GOD DONT LET IT BE THAT. AND THE VOICE TOLD ME, WHAT YOU ARE THINKING IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.
I WENT HOME, I WAS WITH TEE, HE ALSO WANTED TO KNOW, BUT HIS EXCUSE WAS I JUST WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU IN CASE OF ANYTHING. WHEN WE GOT HOME I TOOK THE TEST AND ONE HOUR PASSED WITHOUT ME LOOKING AT THE TEST, I WAS TOO NERVOUS AND WHEN TEE TOLD ME TO CHECK IT ON MY BEHALF I REFUSED.
FINALLY, I GOT THE COURAGE AND IT WAS POSITIVE BUT A VERY FAINT LINE, SO I TOLD MYSELF THAT IT MUST BE THE EFFECTS AND HORMONES FROM THE PREGNANCY THAT ARE MAKING THE RESULT POSITIVE AND SINCE IT WAS VERY FAINT.
I DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE. TEE JUST WENT ALONG WITH WHAT I SAID COZ, WHAT ELSE WOULD HE DO. I JUST HOPED I WAS RIGHT. THE VOICE JUST LAUGHED AT ME. I KNOW THE TRUTH AND YOU DO TOO, YOU JUST WANT TO DENY IT.
I DECIDED TO WAIT ANOTHER WHOLE WEEK, TO TAKE THE TEST AGAIN AND SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. MY MIND TOLD ME THAT BY THEN THE RESULT WOULD BE NEGATIVE BUT MY BEING TOLD ME IT WOULD STILL BE POSITIVE.
A LIE IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN THE TRUTH.

MISSING

LIFE WAS LOVELY, MY SOCIAL LIFE WAS BACK ON TRACK, PEOPLE HAD MISSED ME. TEE AND I WERE DOING BETTER THAN BEFORE. I HAD NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. LIFE WAS GOOD TO ME.
SCHOOL AND I WERE NOW BEST FRIENDS I EVEN FOUND OUT THAT IF I CONCENTRATED THE UNITS WERE NOT EVEN HARD. OUR PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS WAS GROWING AND TEE WAS A REALLY WONDERFUL PHOTOGRAPHER. HE WAS EVEN OPENING A CYBER CAFE NOW.
WHEN LIFE IS TOO GOOD TO YOU, KNOW THAT THERE IS SOME HEARTBREAK COMING YOUR WAY. THAT WAS MY CASE. EVER SINCE THE SECOND ABORTION TEE AND I HAD NOT YET HAD SEX. ONE, I WAS GIVING MY BODY TIME TO HEAL AND I WAS NOT YET READY EMOTIONALLY TO HAVE ANY SEX. HE WAS ALSO IN NO HURRY.
MY WEED LIFE WAS ALSO ON TRACK, I LOVED WEED AND NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME QUIT EXCEPT MYSELF WHEN I DECIDED TO QUIT. I HATED ALCOHOL, I DONT LIKE BITTER TASTE.
WEED WAS MY LIFE PAUSE. TO MEDITATE AND TAKE A BREAK TO APPRECIATE LIFE AND THE UNIVERSE, PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WHO SOLD OR SMOKED WEED, KNEW ME. BUT, NO ONE JUDGED. EVERYONE WITH THEIR OWN LIFE.
THEN CAME END MONTH AND MY PERIODS WERE MISSING, THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT ABOUT WAS THAT, THE ABORTION PILLS MESSED WITH   MY CYCLE BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD BE PREGNANT WHEN I HAD NOT HAD SEX. I MEAN, I AM NOT MARY AND JESUS WAS ALREADY BORN. SO I DECIDED TO WAIT FOR THEM.

HEARTBREAK

I SPENT TWO WEEKS ALONE, THE FIRST WEEK I WAS HAPPY BUT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SECOND WEEK I WAS ALREADY DYING FROM MISSING TEE AND HE TOOK HIS TIME COZ HE CAME THE THIRD WEEK.
I WAS FEELING SO GOOD, THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH MY BODY, I DID NOT KNOW WHAT. MY BODY WAS GLOWING. MY FRIENDS JOKED THAT I WAS HAVING TOO MUCH SEX HENCE THE GLOW, AND I WOULD TELL THEM THAT SEX IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ONE GLOW.
I WAS LOVING THE ME, SCHOOL WAS STILL NOT ONE OF MY FAVORITES BUT I DID NOT WANT TO DISSAPOINT MY PARENTS PLUS I WAS NOT READY FOR THE ENDLESS NOISE THAT I WOULD HEAR FROM MY MUM AND THE CRITICISM FROM MY DAD. SO I TRIED TO FOCUS.
THE THIRD WEEK CAME AND FINALLY, TEE WAS HERE, THAT NIGHT WE TALKED AND LAUGHED AND SMOKED WEED TILL MORNING. THE NEIGHBORS WOULD COMPLAIN THAT WE WERE LAUGHING TOO LOUD AND THAT THE MUSIC WAS LOUD. EVEN IF WE TRIED TO TONE IT DOWN WE COULDN'T.
I EVEN TOLD TEE AT ONE POINT THAT HE SHOULD NOT MAKE ANY MORE JOKES, I DONT WANT TO DIE FROM LAUGHTER THOUGH IT IS A PRETTY NICE WAY TO DIE.
THE UNIVERSE HAD OTHER PLANS FOR ME, IT WAS AS IF IT WAS TELLING ME TO LAUGH WHILE I CAN COZ SOON I WON'T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY.

SCHOOLED

MY HOLIDAY WAS NOW OVER, IT FELT SO SAD, I NEVER FELT SAD LEAVING HOME, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I KNEW I WOULD BE MEETING UP WITH TEE AND I WOULD GET A BREAK FROM ALL THE FAMILY CRITICISM. BUT THIS TIME AROUND I WAS SAD, IT WAS LIKE THOSE FOUR WEEKS I GOT TOO ATTACHED TO THE PLACE AND FOR SOME REASON EVERYONE WAS SO NICE.
I PACKED SOME STUFF FROM HOME ON THE DAY I WAS SET TO GO BACK, MY MOTHER WISHED ME A SAFE JOURNEY, AND I TOLD HER I WAS GONNA MISS THEM SO MUCH. SHE SMILED AND TOLD ME NOT TO FORGET TO STUDY. IF ONLY SHE KNEW HOW I WAS PERFORMING.
I WAS GOOD AT PRACTICAL STUFF BUT THEORY ALWAYS TIED ME DOWN. I GOT BORED JUST READING ALL THAT STUFF BUT LOVED READING NOVELS, I STILL DO. A GOOD BOOK ANYTIME.
WHEN I GOT TO SCHOOL TEE WAS NOT THERE, HE HAD GONE TO VISIT HIS FAMILY TOO. I WAS GLAD THAT I WOULD HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF FOR AT LEAST A WEEK. LIVING WITH HIM WAS FUN BUT I LOVED ALSO HAVING A LITTLE TIME TO MYSELF.
THAT NIGHT I REMINISCED ABOUT MY LIFE BEFORE I MET TEE AND HOW DRASTICALLY IT HAD CHANGED. I COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT TWO YEARS WERE OVER SINCE I HAD MET HIM. WHO KNEW THAT IN TWO YEARS TIME I WOULD HAVE HAD TWO ABORTIONS FROM THE MAN THAT I LOVE THE MOST IN THIS WORLD. THE INTENSITY THAT I LOVED HIM WITH SCARED ME AT TIMES.
ALTHOUGH I KNEW THAT WHEN IF I EVER FELL IN LOVE IT WOULD BE DEEP.

FAIR

THEY SAY THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP. BUT OURS WAS, SURE WE FOUGHT ARGUED AND EVEN INVITED SILENCE INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP BUT WE ALWAYS MANAGED TO GET BACK UP. A LOT OF THINGS THAT WOULD HAVE BROKE US JUST KEPT US GOING STRONGER.
MY TIME AT HOME WAS FAIR, MY BODY WAS GLOWING, I MEAN I LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL, I EVEN FELT GOOD TOO AND FOR A MOMENT I FORGOT ABOUT MY GUILT AND MY MISTAKES. I MISSED TEE A LOT BUT AS THEY SAY, DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER.
YES, WE GREW JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER AT TIMES BUT WE WERE NEVER WORRIED ABOUT THE OTHER PARTY CHEATING WHENEVER WE WERE AWAY. WE WOULD JUST TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT LOVERS TALK ABOUT AND LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING EACH OTHER.
MY TRIP TO CHURCH TO CONFESS MY SINS NEVER HAPPENED, YES I DID GO TO CHURCH BUT I DID NOT GO TO CONFESSION, MY HEART JUST WOULDN'T LET ME. MY HEART RULES ME MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT. ACTUALLY, EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE IS BECAUSE THE HEART WANTED IT.
ITS SAFE TO SAY THAT MY EMOTIONS RULE ME, I AM VERY IMPULSIVE. TEE ALWAYS SAYS THAT I CAN CONTROL MY EMOTIONS IF I DECIDE TO, BUT HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. HE IS THE VERY OPPOSITE. HE IS RULED BY HIS MIND. WHICH IS WHY HE DOES NOT SHOW A LOT OF EMOTIONS, WHICH IS ALSO WHY I TELL HIM THAT HE HAS A HEART OF ROCK.
ACCORDING TO ASTROLOGY, WE ARE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER COZ WE ARE OPPOSITES AND OPPOSITE ATTRACT. HE IS AQUARIUS AND AM A LEO. IF ONLY HALF THE THINGS THAT ASTROLOGY TALKS ABOUT ARE TRUE. WELL AM A LEO SO I DO BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY AND BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT NATURE. AND WHAT ARE WE IF NOT ONE WITH THE WORLD?
TEE HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY HE SAYS THAT THEY NEVER GIVE BAD NEWS, THEY JUST SAY WHAT ONE WANTS TO HEAR. ASTROLOGY IS ONE OF THOSE TOPICS THAT WE NEVER COME TO AN AGREEMENT WE ARGUE UNTIL WE HAVE NO MORE STRENGTH, HE DOESNT LIKE TO LOSE AN ARGUMENT AND NEITHER DO I. BUT IT IS FUN.
TO CUT THE LONG STORY SHORT MY TIME AT HOME WAS WONDERFULL, AND I WAS NOW SET TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I ACTUALLY FELT SAD TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL COZ OF HOW I WAS GOING TO MISS MY FAMILY.
FAMILY CAN BE UNBEARABLE AT TIMES BUT STILL, BLOOD IS THICKER AND THEY KNOW YOU BETTER.